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HUMP DAY PUMP UP ABOUT LEONARD.

Jeezus, I haven't PUMPED (much less blogged AT ALL) since before Thanksgiving?!?!

Ouch.

My bad, sorry dudes! So what is new? How if life? Is your job still going well? No? Aw shit man, sorry to hear that. Are you still workin' at... oh. Whoops, sore subject, sorry I didn't mean...ah, alright, we'll talk about something else...

Actually no we won't, nevermind. So you think your job sucks balls, eh? You think you've got it bad? YOU THINK IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE THAN YOUR SHITTY 9 to 5 HORSESHIT JOB??!?!? IS YOUR JOB HORSESHIT??!!


Ok, sit down, get comfortable, I'm a gunna tell ya a little tale. No frills this week, no stupid pics, just a tale from the vault.


There's this family friend, who... well, I wouldn't even consider a friend, but maybe he's somehow related to my family? I don't know, whatever, but anyway, there's this guy, let's call him Leonard, who was always at some of the bigger family get-togethers when I was a child. Leonard was about 50 or 60 years old (which reminds me, I'm really bad at judging old people's ages...AND young people's... is that kid 5 or 2??? I dunno, I'm bad at that shit!) and to me seemed a few bricks short of a load, if ya know what I'm saying? Like, Leonard wasn't all there. But a nice fellow nonetheless. Always smiling, always seeming to take whatever life threw at him. I distinctly remember that he was missing a few of his teeth, so you'd see these black holes in his grin every time one of the grandparents told a joke. I think he wore suspenders too, but I might have made that up. But not the teeth part, that is absolutely true.


Anyhoo, every year where Leonard lived, there is a little towny parade during the summer. And I'm talking SMALL TOWN here. If you know where I'M from, (small town Wisconsin), think SMALLER. And if you know Wisconsin, it's AUGUSTA. Fuck that town. Anyway yeah, they have this little parade in Augusta every summer, during the BEAN AND BACON DAYS celebration (How Wisconsin is THAT?! But other than the naming of the towny fest after the two best food groups, that town seriously does SUCK) and EVERY YEAR that I could remember when I was a kid, say from like age 5 to...age 10? (I told you I'm bad with kid numbers) this guy would be IN the Augusta parade. Why was Leonard in the Bean and Bacon Days Parade you may ask? And what does this have to do with YOUR SHITTY HORSESHIT JOB??? YOU DID SAY YOUR JOB WAS HORSESHIT, DIDN'T YOU?!?!


Well my friends, every year for the parade Leonard was honored with the celebrated job of dressing in a full clown costume, carrying around a giant shovel, and following the horses around all day, scooping up their feces. Yes. Not only did he have the lowly honor of picking up horse shit all day, but the parade committee had the nerve to take measures and absolutely make sure Leonard could be differentiated from the town's other common-folk by dressing him in full CLOWN attire. Red nose. Big shoes. Big shovel. I shit you not.

(Possible overheard conversation at parade) "Leonard? Who's Leonar...OH, YOU MEAN THE OLD GUY WITH THE MISSING TEETH, DRESSED IN THE CLOWN SUIT, SCOOPING FUCKING HORSESHIT ALL DAY. Yeah, I know Leonard. For a minute there I thought you were talking about someone else..."


Now THAT my friends, is a truly, completely, absolutely HORSESHIT JOB.


This memory from my childhood seems burned into my brain. Every year we'd check out the parade, and every year Leonard would be there, in the parade, doing his thing. I even think he received some sort of small pride from this deed. Yeah, now that I think about it, he had to be getting SOMETHING out of it, right? This guy did it like 3 or 4 years that I can remember!


So years and years pass by since... it's probably been about 15 years since I last attended the Augusta Bean and Bacon Days parade (yes, a link! To prove the validity of this shitty event. And yes, that shitty website is a good summary of shitty Augusta). I come back home to Wisconsin to attend my Grandma's 80th B-day Par-tay at the golf club. We eat, have cake, then after the usual small talk with old relatives and friends I haven't seen in a while, I decide to head to the club bar with a few of my cousins to have a beer. As we're all sitting there, reminiscing at the bar, WHO sits down next to us?? Well it just happened to be our dear old friend, the shit-scooping clown guy, Leonard.

Haha, he has a beer and we do the awkward small-talk thing (Where do ya live now? How bout that weather? I mean, what the hell do you talk about with someone who you only recall as a dude who cleaned up horse waste in full clown garb when you were a kid?). Then the inevitable topic pops up. My cousin blurts out, "Remember when we were kids Leonard, and you were in the parade as the clown with the shovel???" And wouldn't ya know it? With a chuckle, Leonard responds...

"Oh yeah of course I remember! I still do that every year!"



Wow.





EVERY YEAR.








STILL.

CLEANING.

SHIT.


















IN A GODDAMN CLOWN SUIT.













So my dear friends, the moral of the story is, no matter HOW BAD you've got it, no matter HOW MANY times you've put on the same tie or sent the same email or pounded the same nail or stood behind the same gas station counter or had the same meeting or kissed the same ass or WHATEVER... please keep in mind,


YOU ARE NOT DRESSED UP LIKE A COMPLETE JACKASS, MINDLESSLY CLEANING UP SOMEONE ELSE'S SHIT FOR YEARS.



(Or ARE you??)



Here's to makin' it through one more Wednesday! Sometimes you have to see the negative, opposite side of being pumped to actually get pumped. Sometimes you have to take some shit in order to see the bliss in life. And I hope all of you can appreciate the shit-scoopers out there. I encourage you all to hug a Leonard today. Good luck to you all!

PRE-THANKSGIVING HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!

FIRST OF ALL,

There is just WAAAAAY too much stuff to be pumped about today. It's Wednesday. And normally that would mean that we're at the oh-so-precious midway point in the week. Normally that would mean your work week is half-complete, yet half-unfinished. Normally you would be kinda excited you made it this far, yet still a little bummed that you have a few more days of the 'same ol' same ol' left. Well I've got news for you...

TODAY IS NOT NORMAL.

Oh no, my friends, today is not just any day. Well yeah, sure, it's HUMP DAY PUMP UP, but we are also on the verge of Thanksgiving. Ladies and gentlefolk, I'd like to unveil a lil' something I'd like to call the HUMP DAY PUMP DAY TURKEY DAY PRE-PUMP!!! I'll say it again, THE HUMP DAY PUMP DAY TURKEY DAY PRE-PUMP!!!


We all know what's comin' tomorrow, and we're all gettin' considerably PUMPED I'm sure. Let me just boost your PUMP LEVELS today by providing you with a small taste of what is yet to come tomorrow, a little preview if you will, of one of the most ridiculous(ly awesome) holidays of all time...

(Sorry for this pic... do people really pray like this? It looks like a séance or something...)
















So just close your eyes and imagine (okay, you can open your eyes I guess, you know... to read this) you're sitting at the dining room table at xxxxxx's house with all the relatives, trying hard to explain exactly what it is you do at your job to your Uncle from xxxxxxxx, while the TV is on in the background with the xxxxxxs vs. xxxxs game on. Then Grandma appears with the holiest, meatiest, most tastiest of birds ever known to man (not counting chicken). TURKEY PUMP!!!




















OH DEAR GOD just look at that buttery delicious meat masterpiece, all juicy and hot and turkey-smelling. MMMMMM. Sure, no one's turkey actually looks like that, it's a goddamn internet picture, but hey, the thought is in yer head now, innit?? And what about all the fixins??? HUMP DAY PUMP DAY TURKEY DAY PRE-PUMP ROLL CALL:


STUFFING? PUMP.

MASHED POTATOES? PUMP.

CRANBERRY STUFF? PUMP.

GRAVY? PA-PA-PA PUMP.

CARELESSLY COVERING EVERYTHING ON YOUR PLATE IN GRAVY?? MEGA-BONUS PUMP!

PUMPKIN PIE?? PUMPKIN PIE WITH A DOLLOP OF WHIPPED CREAM??? WAIT, NO, MOM'S PUMPKIN PIE CHEESECAKE?!?!?! SUPER-BONER-INDUCING-ABSURDLY-AWESOME PUMP!!!














After I've gorged myself on that Thanksgiving feast, it's time to hunker down in the living room (heads up, get there early to get a good seat!) and watch the Packer game! Un-buckle the ol' belt, kick your feet up, and watch the Pack trounce the Lions. Ah, life is good. FOOD/SPORTS COMBO-PUMP!!!



















And of course, right on cue, ol' uncle Roger dozes off around halftime and begins a snorin'...

Everyone laughs at first, but then the Tryptophan kicks in, and within a half an hour EVERYONE in the living room is zonked. We have now ventured into that sleepy time, post dinner haze... FAMILY TEAM-SLEEP PUMP!!!








































After all the relatives begin to wake up again, it's time for the next phase of our lil' tradition. Now what would Thanksgiving be without a nice, friendly family GRAVY WRESTLING MATCH out in the backyard?? Here's a pic from last year's match, where uncle Bob finally got his revenge and put the hurtin' on uncle Roger after he stole his favorite living room seat during the Packer game... RELIEVING-AWKWARD-FAMILY-TENSION PUMP!!!


















After the dust clears and the cousins start headin' home, tinfoil-wrapped leftovers in hand, it's time to head to the local bar to spend some quality time with the "second family", the good friends who are ready to pump the jukebox full of money, share some laughs, and tell a good holiday tale over a cold one. Maybe they'll even buy ya a shot or two...and you thought there'd be no more TURKEY???....

























HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE, STAY PUMPED, GET AWESOME, EAT, DRINK, SLEEP, GET UP, GET AWESOME AGAIN, SAY HI TO THE FAM FOR ME!!!!

Cokie The Clown

NOFX | MySpace Music Videos

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!

SHIZZAM! And just like that, we're at Wednesday! You know what that means... "CALLING ALL PEOPLE WHO NEED TO GET PUMPED!!!" This week has been a doozy already, so let's get right to it...

First off... you all know how I just GOTS ta have my McPUMP on a HUMP DAY! I'm talkin bout a ridiculously Large sized Iced Coffee, yo. Nothing gets those energy levels a-risin' and those bowels a-movin' like these McCafe drinks!

BUT HOLD THE PHONE... BONUS PUMP!!! As I was just enjoying my too-large-for comfort caffeine treat, I stumbled across this on the interwebz...

Tell McDonalds McCafe your coffee story and you could be in to win!

Ever had anything truly strange, mindblowing, life-changing happen over a cup of coffee? Ever drunk a coffee in an amazing place? Or shared some beans with someone really famous?

Tell us your best coffee story by emailing coffee@tvnz.co.nz

The Breakfast crew will choose three winners each week until December 11, who will each take away a $50 McCafe voucher.

WHOA! "Ever had anything truly strange, mindblowing, life-changing happen over a cup of coffee? "... How about EVERY GODDAMN WEDNESDAY?!?! I think it's about time the fine pump-creators at McDonalds hear about HDPU. I just know it will jack them up beyond belief to the point where they will just keep sending me vouchers for McCafe shit, and I in turn will just keep gettin' more PUMPED, and they'll keep sending MORE coupons, and... FULL PUMP CYCLE!!!


Ok, whew. The thought of winning all that pumpage just got me so damn pumped. Let's move on. LOLz I love this random pic, so creepy strange. WTF PUMP!!!























Actually let's keep the WTF pumps goin' with this kid, gently nuzzled up next to a giant old man-seal thing. DEAR GOD, this freaks the shit outta me, but regardless, it gets me AMPED just the same! MANatee PUMP!!!




















Finally, what would Wenesday be without GRAVY?? Well, uh, you don't have to answer that, I was just trying to intro this next clip, and really didn't have any good ideas. Sorry about that, please don't let it affect your PUMP.




Oh Oh Oh, I almost forgot, IT'S VETERAN'S DAY, so be sure to honor and pay tribute to anyone you may know (or not know) who's served our country, the most PUMPED UP country in the world, the US of A! Wave that freedom flag high today my friends, let that American pride surge through your veins, and KEEP ON PUMPIN' ON!!!

PAVEMENT TO HEADLINE SASQUATCH MUSIC FESTIVAL 2010!!

HOLY CRAP I'm so stoked. Just read this, got such a largey right now! As some of you may know, I love this band, and have always said that should the stars align and they get back together someday, I'm there. Well, the time has come my friends. And what better place than in beautiful Quincy, WA at The Gorge!














Sweet vid of The Gorge that pumps me up

I was just there this summer, and can say it was the most beautiful place I've ever seen a show, ever. Who wants to go on a roadtrip??? Memorial Day Weekend, May 29th - 31st, 2010. Tickets HERE. Sasquatch site HERE. The full lineup doesn't come out til Feb. 16th, but just something to think about! I say we pack some cars with some good friends, head West, camp, eat, jam, laugh,, etc etc etc etc etc!!!!

HOTTIE OF THE WEEK

Flo, the Progressive Girl




















Flo is the name of a fictional cashier on TV commercials and web banners for Progressive Insurance. She is played by actress and comedienne Stephanie Courtney and has been cited in news articles as having a sizable fan base on social networks like Facebook.

The character has appeared in several commercials since her 2008 debut. She is recognized by her extremely enthusiastic persona, heavy Rockabilly-style makeup, and retro hairstyle which Courtney has said takes about two hours to complete.

In October 2009, the Boston Herald referred to Flo as "the commercial break’s new sweetheart," and said that Courtney was "attaining TV ad icon status."

Also, she's really hot.

BIG CARROTS

So I'm bringin' back big carrots. No more of this pussy baby-carrot bullshit. I'm rockin' MAN-CARROTS. You know, whole, un-peeled, maybe even a bit dirty... Bugs Bunny style. Everyone in the office is always runnin' around with those little baby carrots, it's bullshit. So I decided I'm going to walk around, eating BIG CARROTS.





















First of all, they're way more fun to eat. The crisp SNAP you get when you bite off a hunk, man, it's so satisfying. And you can hear a grown man eating a BIG CARROT from a mile away. "CRRRUNNCHH!!" Then when you eat most of the BIG CARROT and you get towards the end, it's like a little game...how close can you get to the gross end of the carrot? Can you get one more bite in before you've reached that dirty gross stalk knobby part??


Second, for some reason they remind me of a better time. I don't know, it just feels more organic, natural... like pulling a fresh carrot out from the ground in Grandma's garden when I was a kid. There are things to reminisce whilst eating a BIG CARROT, and ya just don't get that from those smooth, slimy lil' baby carrots. Seriously, try it. Get a big ol' carrot and snap off a bite, see where your mind wanders...


Thirdly, um... I really don't have any more reasons to eat BIG CARROTS. I don't even know why I started this post. Jeezus, big carrots?!?! What the hell am I even talkin' about?

Nevermind, BIG CARROTS RULE. FOREVER. AMEN.
Please do your part today in assisting in the BIG CARROT REVOLUTION. Spread the word, tell your coworkers...we're bringin' BIG CARROTS back for good.



Oh, also, I found this pic...

HOTTIE OF THE WEEK!

Julie Nelson

Julie Nelson joined KARE-11 in September of 2003, after working at KSTP-TV. Months after arriving at KSTP she was named "Best Newcomer" by Mpls/St. Paul magazine. In 2000 she won a regional Emmy for anchoring. Julie's also twice been named "Best Anchor" by City Pages. Julie received bachelor's degrees in journalism and history from Indiana University in Bloomington, Indiana.

Also, she's extremely hot.

Apology Pump

Sorry dudes for the lack of the PUMP UP yesterday, I busted up my blog-maker. More pump soon...

Lunch in the Office, Kanye style.

Hat Stickers.

I always wondered why homies be leavin' their stickers on their caps. Some people think it's "cool", but I thought it was cause they planned on returning their hats to the "Lids" store in the mall the next day when their team didn't do so hot. I remember a friend and I pulling a similar move once in junior high when we bought expensive dress shirts and wore them to the Homecoming Dance, with the tags cleverly scotch-taped inside. Next day, we went back to the Expensive Shirt Store and got our moneys back. Bonus.

Next time you see that dude who always wears all those sweet hats, ask him if he has the receipt. Cause he does.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!

WHOAAAA!!

Seriously, today I am PUMPED like WOW. I don't know what it is, but I have a feeling today's pump-levels are going to be SKY HIGH...I've just got a good goddamn feeling! The future's so bright I gotta wear shades. But not today, cause it's raining out and if you wore shades you'd just look like a jackass, and does anyone really remember that song anyway...ah shit, I'm rambling. This PUMP is gettin' the best of me, gettin' too JACKED UP! Gotta focus. Ok. Deep breaths.

It's hard to describe in words just how pumped I really truly am right now, so I guess I'll try to describe my PUMP levels with some poor quality pics...


First off, if it's raining, and maybe you've been battling being sick all week, but not like swine-flu sick, just kinda stuffy, sore-throat sick, AND you wanna get pumped while battling the common cold, well, this will fix ya right up!! COMBO-PUMP!


























Next, do something you wouldn't usually do... say, punch your best friends in the face. Do it. IT WILL PUMP YOU UP. POW! PUMP-PUNCH!


















I've probably posted this photo on the Pbath before, but I'm just too lazy to go back and see if I really did or not. But anyhoo, it PUMPS ME UP. So it's fourth grade. You're about to make the game-winning shot in a playoff basketball game against the rival school. You'd want your parents there to see you in all your glory, right?? pump. But if Phil Collins and Mask show up?!?! BONUS PUMP!!!

































By this time you're probably so JACKED that you'd just like to sit it out and watch some other dudes get JACKED pumpin' iron, right? Then this clip is for you. LOLz at the end, where Arnold gets blazed. BODY-PUMP!







Wow, what a day. I bet you'd probably like to see just how PUMPED you were today, right? RAWT?!?! Go ahead and make a PUMP-GRAPH in your office. Don't worry, the boss won't mind. Chartin' the PUMP-PROGRESS!















































HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP, PUMP SAFELY!!

EMO CONTEST

So The Get Up Kids are playing the Varsity Theater tonight, and my friend challenged me to a little contest...

"First dude to cry tonight during the show wins. EMO CONTEST!"


At first I thought this was kinda funny in a "haha, yeah, cool" sort of way, but then I thought harder about it... maybe this dude is serious?? Maybe I'll just have to take him up on his little challenge? This dude thinks he's gonna out-cry me?!? IT'S ON. I'm going to muster up all of the emo feelings in the pit of my soul in order to squirt some genuine tears and WIN THIS FUGGIN' CONTEST!

Okay, sorry to keep this short, but I gotta go get psyched up to cry tonight. Must think emo thoughts... high school, girls on the track team, Dashboard Confessional, tight jeans...

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!

Sit down and get comfortable children, as I tell you just one of the many legendary tales in the ongoing saga that is... HUMP DAY PUMP UP.


So I strolled into the office the other morning, with my Large McCafe Coffee in hand, and I immediately started just pounding my fist on everyone's desks. HOLY BEJEEZUS I was so AMPED that day! Not only did Mickey D's provide me with the usual liquid pumpage, but it's now MONOPOLY season, son!!! That rare time of the year where everyone in the office agrees to consume 25% more McDonalds products in hopes of collecting game pieces that will surely lead to THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN PRIZES, or, inevitably, a ONE WAY TICKET OUTTA HERE. haha, WISHFUL THINKING PUMP!!!








































Anyway some bro-dudes I work with happened to notice my display of sheer PUMPAGE goin' on, and they immediately started gettin' absolutely JACKED UP as well! High-fives were just a flyin', the PUMP was SPREADING... BRO-PUMP!























Holy crap, our office was rockin' out so hard, the PUMP VIBES could be felt miles away! In fact, there were these two girls in a rock club 13.5 miles away that felt the HUMP DAY PUMP UP vibes wash over them, and of course they immediately broke down and became giddy as little school girls. THIS PUMP WAS POWERFUL.
























The PUMP was gainin' momentum, and FAST. People throughout the land were getting so DAMN PUMPED, but of course not everyone could handle the PUMPAGE. Some dudes got so PUMPED they just started eating random shit, and FREAKING OUT...



(LOL at 0:32)


Some dudes got so PUMPED their heads just went ahead and friggin' EXPLODED! Bam. TOO PUMPED.


















Some dudes' heads didn't quite explode, they just flat out started falling off. I shit you not, this PUMP UP was making dudes' heads fall off!! But the chicks throughout the land were so damn PUMPED that they didn't even notice. If anything, the ladies became even MORE attracted to the headless dudes...
























Finally the PUMP started slowing down, and eventually came to an end. Another Wednesday had come and gone, and Thursday was upon us. After the dust had cleared, everything slowly returned back to normal. Well, almost everything...















GAGA PUMP!



And thus ends our tale for today. Good luck to you all as you struggle through that mid-week hump!

HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!

Gaslight Anthem at the Cabooze

A few awesome friends and I went to this show last week at the PACKED Cabooze in MPLS, and needless to say, it was quite amazing. Whiskey shots, TEAM DRINK chants, hugs, laughs, good music, great times!!! Such a completely kick ass night, and Gaslight was quite worth all the hype they've received as well. By far the BEST part of their set however came as a cover of Hot Water Music's "Trusty Chords", which about 10 people in the crowd seemed to recognize. LOVED it.

Oh, sorry Crista and Condor, you guys were chillin' outside during this I believe, haha, but here's what ya missed...

The Gaslight Anthem - "Trusty Chords" (cover)

Minneapolis, MN - 10/3/09

Out of Office Auto Reply

So I sent an email to a customer yesterday at work, and received one of those "Out of Office" auto-reply thingies. The message was as follows:


I am afraid I am out of the office. I will be out of the office the remainder of the day, returning Thursday.


Looking at these words, I realized they don't make sense to my brain at all. "I am afraid I am out of the office."

You're "afraid" you're out of the office? What are you afraid of? Do you like being IN the office so much that the thought of being OUT of the office scares the shit out of you?? What if this dude actually was out of office, (which he was). This guy must be just FREAKING OUT. "Holy shit, my greatest fear just came true, I'm out of the freegin' office!! AHHH! What the fuck am I gonna do?? I always feared this would happen!!"

I am afraid I am out of the office. Why is FEAR playing a factor in this thing at all? It's cool man, I understand if you're just not in the office today, we've all been there. But there's nothing to fear dude. Grow a pair and quit worrying.


I then decided I would go to lunch, so I set my email "Out of Office" auto-reply message to the following:

"I am afraid I am out of the office. I am afraid I am eating a sandwich from Subway. I am afraid that they will put too much Southwest Chipotle sauce on it. I am also afraid of bee stings, toilet paper sticking to my shoe as I walk out of the bathroom, and the movie E.T."

In hindsight, I guess I should have also included "I am afraid my boss will see this away message while I'm at lunch and call me into their office to have a talk."

LUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!

IT'S A SUPER SPECIAL LUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!

Let's get right to the PUMPIN'... LUMPIN' STYLE!!!



LUMPS!


























More serious LUMPAGE! PUMPED!


















LUMP PUMP! I can feel the PUMP levels risin'...




















How PUMPED is this woman?! Oh those lovely Lady-Lumps!



























HOLY GRANDMA'S LUMPY GRAVY PUMP!




















Awww shit, did someone say GRAVY? Watch out for that GRAVY MAN...















(I seriously don't know what the fuck that was about. Sorry, I got carried away. I don't know what's goin on.)



How bout this classic from 1995 by The Presidents of the United States of America?! Jeezus I'm gettin' pretty effin' PUMPED right now!






So I was chillin' in Seattle the other day, and totally had a Wisconsin flashback when I was at the market and saw this old lady in a window. What was she doing??! Well my friends, this crazy vat of goo she was stirrin' was soon to become CHEESE CURDS!! In this pic, you can see they're JUST GETTIN' LUMPY!! Pah-Pah-Pah-PUMP!!!




















On another day I was driving and saw some douche with a big-ass truck, driving around in the city. Pretty sure you don't need that EXTRA-LARGE, EXTRA-DOUCHEY PICKUP TRUCK in downtown Minneapolis. Then he passed me, and I noticed his truck's testicles hangin' from below his rear bumper. Okay, you're a douche, but your truck LUMPS just got me PUMPED!!!

















Hope these LUMPS have kept you PUMPED. HAPPY HUMP DAY LUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!