HUMP DAY PUMP UP ABOUT LEONARD.

Jeezus, I haven't PUMPED (much less blogged AT ALL) since before Thanksgiving?!?!

Ouch.

My bad, sorry dudes! So what is new? How if life? Is your job still going well? No? Aw shit man, sorry to hear that. Are you still workin' at... oh. Whoops, sore subject, sorry I didn't mean...ah, alright, we'll talk about something else...

Actually no we won't, nevermind. So you think your job sucks balls, eh? You think you've got it bad? YOU THINK IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE THAN YOUR SHITTY 9 to 5 HORSESHIT JOB??!?!? IS YOUR JOB HORSESHIT??!!


Ok, sit down, get comfortable, I'm a gunna tell ya a little tale. No frills this week, no stupid pics, just a tale from the vault.


There's this family friend, who... well, I wouldn't even consider a friend, but maybe he's somehow related to my family? I don't know, whatever, but anyway, there's this guy, let's call him Leonard, who was always at some of the bigger family get-togethers when I was a child. Leonard was about 50 or 60 years old (which reminds me, I'm really bad at judging old people's ages...AND young people's... is that kid 5 or 2??? I dunno, I'm bad at that shit!) and to me seemed a few bricks short of a load, if ya know what I'm saying? Like, Leonard wasn't all there. But a nice fellow nonetheless. Always smiling, always seeming to take whatever life threw at him. I distinctly remember that he was missing a few of his teeth, so you'd see these black holes in his grin every time one of the grandparents told a joke. I think he wore suspenders too, but I might have made that up. But not the teeth part, that is absolutely true.


Anyhoo, every year where Leonard lived, there is a little towny parade during the summer. And I'm talking SMALL TOWN here. If you know where I'M from, (small town Wisconsin), think SMALLER. And if you know Wisconsin, it's AUGUSTA. Fuck that town. Anyway yeah, they have this little parade in Augusta every summer, during the BEAN AND BACON DAYS celebration (How Wisconsin is THAT?! But other than the naming of the towny fest after the two best food groups, that town seriously does SUCK) and EVERY YEAR that I could remember when I was a kid, say from like age 5 to...age 10? (I told you I'm bad with kid numbers) this guy would be IN the Augusta parade. Why was Leonard in the Bean and Bacon Days Parade you may ask? And what does this have to do with YOUR SHITTY HORSESHIT JOB??? YOU DID SAY YOUR JOB WAS HORSESHIT, DIDN'T YOU?!?!


Well my friends, every year for the parade Leonard was honored with the celebrated job of dressing in a full clown costume, carrying around a giant shovel, and following the horses around all day, scooping up their feces. Yes. Not only did he have the lowly honor of picking up horse shit all day, but the parade committee had the nerve to take measures and absolutely make sure Leonard could be differentiated from the town's other common-folk by dressing him in full CLOWN attire. Red nose. Big shoes. Big shovel. I shit you not.

(Possible overheard conversation at parade) "Leonard? Who's Leonar...OH, YOU MEAN THE OLD GUY WITH THE MISSING TEETH, DRESSED IN THE CLOWN SUIT, SCOOPING FUCKING HORSESHIT ALL DAY. Yeah, I know Leonard. For a minute there I thought you were talking about someone else..."


Now THAT my friends, is a truly, completely, absolutely HORSESHIT JOB.


This memory from my childhood seems burned into my brain. Every year we'd check out the parade, and every year Leonard would be there, in the parade, doing his thing. I even think he received some sort of small pride from this deed. Yeah, now that I think about it, he had to be getting SOMETHING out of it, right? This guy did it like 3 or 4 years that I can remember!


So years and years pass by since... it's probably been about 15 years since I last attended the Augusta Bean and Bacon Days parade (yes, a link! To prove the validity of this shitty event. And yes, that shitty website is a good summary of shitty Augusta). I come back home to Wisconsin to attend my Grandma's 80th B-day Par-tay at the golf club. We eat, have cake, then after the usual small talk with old relatives and friends I haven't seen in a while, I decide to head to the club bar with a few of my cousins to have a beer. As we're all sitting there, reminiscing at the bar, WHO sits down next to us?? Well it just happened to be our dear old friend, the shit-scooping clown guy, Leonard.

Haha, he has a beer and we do the awkward small-talk thing (Where do ya live now? How bout that weather? I mean, what the hell do you talk about with someone who you only recall as a dude who cleaned up horse waste in full clown garb when you were a kid?). Then the inevitable topic pops up. My cousin blurts out, "Remember when we were kids Leonard, and you were in the parade as the clown with the shovel???" And wouldn't ya know it? With a chuckle, Leonard responds...

"Oh yeah of course I remember! I still do that every year!"



Wow.





EVERY YEAR.








STILL.

CLEANING.

SHIT.


















IN A GODDAMN CLOWN SUIT.













So my dear friends, the moral of the story is, no matter HOW BAD you've got it, no matter HOW MANY times you've put on the same tie or sent the same email or pounded the same nail or stood behind the same gas station counter or had the same meeting or kissed the same ass or WHATEVER... please keep in mind,


YOU ARE NOT DRESSED UP LIKE A COMPLETE JACKASS, MINDLESSLY CLEANING UP SOMEONE ELSE'S SHIT FOR YEARS.



(Or ARE you??)



Here's to makin' it through one more Wednesday! Sometimes you have to see the negative, opposite side of being pumped to actually get pumped. Sometimes you have to take some shit in order to see the bliss in life. And I hope all of you can appreciate the shit-scoopers out there. I encourage you all to hug a Leonard today. Good luck to you all!

PRE-THANKSGIVING HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!

FIRST OF ALL,

There is just WAAAAAY too much stuff to be pumped about today. It's Wednesday. And normally that would mean that we're at the oh-so-precious midway point in the week. Normally that would mean your work week is half-complete, yet half-unfinished. Normally you would be kinda excited you made it this far, yet still a little bummed that you have a few more days of the 'same ol' same ol' left. Well I've got news for you...

TODAY IS NOT NORMAL.

Oh no, my friends, today is not just any day. Well yeah, sure, it's HUMP DAY PUMP UP, but we are also on the verge of Thanksgiving. Ladies and gentlefolk, I'd like to unveil a lil' something I'd like to call the HUMP DAY PUMP DAY TURKEY DAY PRE-PUMP!!! I'll say it again, THE HUMP DAY PUMP DAY TURKEY DAY PRE-PUMP!!!


We all know what's comin' tomorrow, and we're all gettin' considerably PUMPED I'm sure. Let me just boost your PUMP LEVELS today by providing you with a small taste of what is yet to come tomorrow, a little preview if you will, of one of the most ridiculous(ly awesome) holidays of all time...

(Sorry for this pic... do people really pray like this? It looks like a séance or something...)
















So just close your eyes and imagine (okay, you can open your eyes I guess, you know... to read this) you're sitting at the dining room table at xxxxxx's house with all the relatives, trying hard to explain exactly what it is you do at your job to your Uncle from xxxxxxxx, while the TV is on in the background with the xxxxxxs vs. xxxxs game on. Then Grandma appears with the holiest, meatiest, most tastiest of birds ever known to man (not counting chicken). TURKEY PUMP!!!




















OH DEAR GOD just look at that buttery delicious meat masterpiece, all juicy and hot and turkey-smelling. MMMMMM. Sure, no one's turkey actually looks like that, it's a goddamn internet picture, but hey, the thought is in yer head now, innit?? And what about all the fixins??? HUMP DAY PUMP DAY TURKEY DAY PRE-PUMP ROLL CALL:


STUFFING? PUMP.

MASHED POTATOES? PUMP.

CRANBERRY STUFF? PUMP.

GRAVY? PA-PA-PA PUMP.

CARELESSLY COVERING EVERYTHING ON YOUR PLATE IN GRAVY?? MEGA-BONUS PUMP!

PUMPKIN PIE?? PUMPKIN PIE WITH A DOLLOP OF WHIPPED CREAM??? WAIT, NO, MOM'S PUMPKIN PIE CHEESECAKE?!?!?! SUPER-BONER-INDUCING-ABSURDLY-AWESOME PUMP!!!














After I've gorged myself on that Thanksgiving feast, it's time to hunker down in the living room (heads up, get there early to get a good seat!) and watch the Packer game! Un-buckle the ol' belt, kick your feet up, and watch the Pack trounce the Lions. Ah, life is good. FOOD/SPORTS COMBO-PUMP!!!



















And of course, right on cue, ol' uncle Roger dozes off around halftime and begins a snorin'...

Everyone laughs at first, but then the Tryptophan kicks in, and within a half an hour EVERYONE in the living room is zonked. We have now ventured into that sleepy time, post dinner haze... FAMILY TEAM-SLEEP PUMP!!!








































After all the relatives begin to wake up again, it's time for the next phase of our lil' tradition. Now what would Thanksgiving be without a nice, friendly family GRAVY WRESTLING MATCH out in the backyard?? Here's a pic from last year's match, where uncle Bob finally got his revenge and put the hurtin' on uncle Roger after he stole his favorite living room seat during the Packer game... RELIEVING-AWKWARD-FAMILY-TENSION PUMP!!!


















After the dust clears and the cousins start headin' home, tinfoil-wrapped leftovers in hand, it's time to head to the local bar to spend some quality time with the "second family", the good friends who are ready to pump the jukebox full of money, share some laughs, and tell a good holiday tale over a cold one. Maybe they'll even buy ya a shot or two...and you thought there'd be no more TURKEY???....

























HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE, STAY PUMPED, GET AWESOME, EAT, DRINK, SLEEP, GET UP, GET AWESOME AGAIN, SAY HI TO THE FAM FOR ME!!!!

Cokie The Clown

NOFX | MySpace Music Videos

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!

SHIZZAM! And just like that, we're at Wednesday! You know what that means... "CALLING ALL PEOPLE WHO NEED TO GET PUMPED!!!" This week has been a doozy already, so let's get right to it...

First off... you all know how I just GOTS ta have my McPUMP on a HUMP DAY! I'm talkin bout a ridiculously Large sized Iced Coffee, yo. Nothing gets those energy levels a-risin' and those bowels a-movin' like these McCafe drinks!

BUT HOLD THE PHONE... BONUS PUMP!!! As I was just enjoying my too-large-for comfort caffeine treat, I stumbled across this on the interwebz...

Tell McDonalds McCafe your coffee story and you could be in to win!

Ever had anything truly strange, mindblowing, life-changing happen over a cup of coffee? Ever drunk a coffee in an amazing place? Or shared some beans with someone really famous?

Tell us your best coffee story by emailing coffee@tvnz.co.nz

The Breakfast crew will choose three winners each week until December 11, who will each take away a $50 McCafe voucher.

WHOA! "Ever had anything truly strange, mindblowing, life-changing happen over a cup of coffee? "... How about EVERY GODDAMN WEDNESDAY?!?! I think it's about time the fine pump-creators at McDonalds hear about HDPU. I just know it will jack them up beyond belief to the point where they will just keep sending me vouchers for McCafe shit, and I in turn will just keep gettin' more PUMPED, and they'll keep sending MORE coupons, and... FULL PUMP CYCLE!!!


Ok, whew. The thought of winning all that pumpage just got me so damn pumped. Let's move on. LOLz I love this random pic, so creepy strange. WTF PUMP!!!























Actually let's keep the WTF pumps goin' with this kid, gently nuzzled up next to a giant old man-seal thing. DEAR GOD, this freaks the shit outta me, but regardless, it gets me AMPED just the same! MANatee PUMP!!!




















Finally, what would Wenesday be without GRAVY?? Well, uh, you don't have to answer that, I was just trying to intro this next clip, and really didn't have any good ideas. Sorry about that, please don't let it affect your PUMP.




Oh Oh Oh, I almost forgot, IT'S VETERAN'S DAY, so be sure to honor and pay tribute to anyone you may know (or not know) who's served our country, the most PUMPED UP country in the world, the US of A! Wave that freedom flag high today my friends, let that American pride surge through your veins, and KEEP ON PUMPIN' ON!!!

PAVEMENT TO HEADLINE SASQUATCH MUSIC FESTIVAL 2010!!

HOLY CRAP I'm so stoked. Just read this, got such a largey right now! As some of you may know, I love this band, and have always said that should the stars align and they get back together someday, I'm there. Well, the time has come my friends. And what better place than in beautiful Quincy, WA at The Gorge!














Sweet vid of The Gorge that pumps me up

I was just there this summer, and can say it was the most beautiful place I've ever seen a show, ever. Who wants to go on a roadtrip??? Memorial Day Weekend, May 29th - 31st, 2010. Tickets HERE. Sasquatch site HERE. The full lineup doesn't come out til Feb. 16th, but just something to think about! I say we pack some cars with some good friends, head West, camp, eat, jam, laugh,, etc etc etc etc etc!!!!

HOTTIE OF THE WEEK

Flo, the Progressive Girl




















Flo is the name of a fictional cashier on TV commercials and web banners for Progressive Insurance. She is played by actress and comedienne Stephanie Courtney and has been cited in news articles as having a sizable fan base on social networks like Facebook.

The character has appeared in several commercials since her 2008 debut. She is recognized by her extremely enthusiastic persona, heavy Rockabilly-style makeup, and retro hairstyle which Courtney has said takes about two hours to complete.

In October 2009, the Boston Herald referred to Flo as "the commercial break’s new sweetheart," and said that Courtney was "attaining TV ad icon status."

Also, she's really hot.

BIG CARROTS

So I'm bringin' back big carrots. No more of this pussy baby-carrot bullshit. I'm rockin' MAN-CARROTS. You know, whole, un-peeled, maybe even a bit dirty... Bugs Bunny style. Everyone in the office is always runnin' around with those little baby carrots, it's bullshit. So I decided I'm going to walk around, eating BIG CARROTS.





















First of all, they're way more fun to eat. The crisp SNAP you get when you bite off a hunk, man, it's so satisfying. And you can hear a grown man eating a BIG CARROT from a mile away. "CRRRUNNCHH!!" Then when you eat most of the BIG CARROT and you get towards the end, it's like a little game...how close can you get to the gross end of the carrot? Can you get one more bite in before you've reached that dirty gross stalk knobby part??


Second, for some reason they remind me of a better time. I don't know, it just feels more organic, natural... like pulling a fresh carrot out from the ground in Grandma's garden when I was a kid. There are things to reminisce whilst eating a BIG CARROT, and ya just don't get that from those smooth, slimy lil' baby carrots. Seriously, try it. Get a big ol' carrot and snap off a bite, see where your mind wanders...


Thirdly, um... I really don't have any more reasons to eat BIG CARROTS. I don't even know why I started this post. Jeezus, big carrots?!?! What the hell am I even talkin' about?

Nevermind, BIG CARROTS RULE. FOREVER. AMEN.
Please do your part today in assisting in the BIG CARROT REVOLUTION. Spread the word, tell your coworkers...we're bringin' BIG CARROTS back for good.



Oh, also, I found this pic...