HUMP DAY PUMP UP - NINTENDO!!!

Ok dudes and dudettes, I've got a pretty big PUMP-ON today for one of my absolute favorite things in life (No, not meat. Or beer. Or boobs, or cheese. Oh, and not bonfires. I just realized those are pretty rad too. You know how you could just stare into a fire for like, ever? And you see something different every time? And the next day when you smell your clothes? Oh man, that smell, it's so good, it's li... ok I'm gettin' sidetracked)

Today, let's get JACKED for one of the greatest inventions known to man, THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM. And oh how that system certainly did entertain!!!

Let's take a look at the mighty ways that this simple machine gets me ABSOLUTELY FREEGIN' PUMPED!!! (ABSO-PUMPIN-LUTELY?!?!)

PUMP ONE: THE GAMES.

Oh those glorious 8 bit games. I remember back in the day there were kids with a SHIT TON of games, I'm talking 50 to 100, and that didn't even scratch the surface. There are now 145,376 NES games in the world. I made that up. But there's a lot.

Rad kid, livin' hard, 1988.

PUMP TWO: THE GAME.

Yes, there were many amazing NES games, but you've got to be fistin' me if you don't agree that SUPER MARIO BROS 3 is the greatest Nintendo ga NO NO, THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME EVER MADE. PERIOD. I specifically remember hearing the news through the grapevine (my older cousins) once they had experienced the sheer awesomeness of Mario 3. In three simple words...

MARIO. CAN. FLY.

This is the game that effed up everything, it was so bad-ass. Nothing would ever top it, for like, uh, a couple months or so. But the effect of that game has lasted a lifetime. I don't even sound like a complete mega-nerd yet, cause I know for DAMN CERTAIN that you yourself have played Mario 3. I KNOW you have. It's just like, life man. If you are tryin' to tell me you've never played a game of Mario 3, just do me a favor and skip on down to PUMP EIGHT. Ok, movin' right along...

PUMP THREE: THE INVINCIBLE CONTROLLER.

As a Nintendo player, you've played Nintendo, and you've gotten angry. Every time I experience a particularly shitty point in a game, my go-to move is to violently slam the controller against the floor or across the room. Chuckin' that controller against a wall and yelling obscenities is a such a stress reliever, so fun. But guess how many NES controllers I've broken in my lifetime??? That's right: ZERO. Why? Cause those things don't break. They're an incredible piece of Japanese hardware, impervious to even the strongest 12 year old's tortures.

If you've ever had to buy another Nintendo controller, it is because you've lost yours or your cousin Greg stole it or you bought a 2 player game or your mom accidentally sold it in a thrift sale. It is NOT because you broke it, because that sir, is impossible.

PUMP FOUR: BEATING RECORDS.

Nothing like crushing your buddy's confidence by beating their top scores, no matter how long it takes you. (Suck it, Ben.)

PUMP FIVE: NINTENDO BLOWS.

There's nothing like a Nintendo not properly playing your games. And the end all remedy, known to kids around the world? Blow into the game. I've almost come to believe that that is half the fun, blowin' into the games (to supposedly clean the dust out of the cartridge)? It's almost like the ultimate rewarding moment once you get that game title screen to come up without errors on your TV. And there was always that one kid who claimed to have "the blow" haha.

"Oh hey guys, I've got this, works every time, I swear." Phhhhhuuuhhhhffff!!!

Man, I think for every hour of a Nintendo game I've played, I've spent 15 minutes blowing into the game, then into the console, just trying to get that sucka to work.

PUMP SIX: THE WIZARD.

Classic Nintendo movie not only starring a young and dreamy Fred Savage, the unveiling of Super Mario Bros 3, and a hot Jenny Lewis (of Rilo Kiley fame), this classic film also featured one of the most mysterious items of Nintendo lore, The Power Glove.

Favorite Quote from "The Wizard": "I love the Power Glove. It's so bad." - Lucas

Second favorite quote: "California." - Jimmy

PUMP SEVEN: THE POWER GLOVE.

Holy shit, this thing looked so bad ass! Do you remember this? A Nintendo GLOVE, covered in fancy buttons and stuff, the ultimate weapon in gaming!! I remember getting really PUMPED about this... til 17 years later I realized that I had yet to ever see one of these things. I think they only made like 4 of them. Plus I'm betting they, uh, didn't work worth a crap. But CHECK OUT THE VID BELOW, (NOW!!!) then kick a coworker in the teeth, you'll be so goddamn MEGA-PUMPED!!! Who knew they invented the Wii in 1990??!

PUMP EIGHT: THE REAL LOSERS.

Whew, what a pumpy subject for HDPU today, eh?! Now I'm going to predict that there's some REAL nerds out there that are sorta, oh I dunno, un-pumped for all this Nintendo talk. As if there was possibly a chance that Nintendo wouldn't pump you up. I usually don't cater to assholes like you, but just in case there are a few of you out there who don't care for the above, here's something un-nintendo-y to pump you up - An awesome pic of a man who bought a kiddy pool, filled it completely with pudding, then took a bath in it. Scroll down and enjoy, haters.

OH SNAP!! I lied, it's just a guy in a PENIS SUIT. My bad. Oh, it may be too late but I forgot to mention, this pic is NSFW, suckas!! In yo face. Get a life. And a Nintendo.

So to all my PUMPY friends, today let's raise a glass (of coffee for those of us at work, tequila for those of us who are not) to the greatest technological invention known to man (and sometimes women, but they generally suck at nintendo [prove me otherwise ladies!].) CHEERS TO NINTENDO!!! 1-2-3- Teeeeaaaaam DRINK!!!!

Keep each other pumped out there!!! And remember, life is not an 8-bit game. It's more like 1 gajillion-bits, but it is a game, so remember to play it hard, do your best, don't cheat (but sometimes get assistance, from let's say a Game Genie), and HAVE FUN!! Stay pumped.