PUMP, PUMP, PUMP IT UP!!! FRIDAY NIGHT WHOOO!!!

Alright, listen up dudes and dude-lovers!!! Still need more pumpage this week?? Wonderin' what to do with your oh so important Friday night?? AAAHHHHHHHH jeezus man I can't even finish this intro, I'm so frickin' PUMPPPPPPED RIGHT NOW AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Seriously seriously, I can't contain the pump, it's just freakin' out akdjfljadskjflal!!!!DSJLFJD!!!PUMP!!!!SJDFKDSAFJ!!!

Ok, settle down! Here's what's goin down tonight. My good friends have a band. They are playin' tonight at the RED SEA BAR in mpls. YOU'RE GOING. I'M NOT ASKING, I'M TELLING YOU. I can GUARANTEE you the following:

1) Face-melting jamz.

2) FREE MUSTACHES. SERIOUSLY.

3) I will buy a beer.*

4) Friends with bonerz.

5) We will be doing multiple "TEEEEAM DRINKS"!!! If you don't know what that is, well, come find out. Also, the "shoulder shrug" dance might come out (thanks heckyeahman).

6) I will be giving out hugs like nobody's business. If you would like one Official PUDDING BATH sponsored HUG, come n' git it!

7) We're going to get awesome. We're going to get weird. We will be living out LOUD. Just good goddamn vibes and friends and fun all night!!!

*No, I won't buy YOU a beer, but I promise I will buy a beer, and drink it with YOU.

COME HAVE SOME FUN TONIGHT!!!! DOORS 9:30PM, MUSIC 10PM.

HUGS. BOOZE. JAMZ. FRIENDSHIP. PUMPAGE. MEAT. HIGH FIVES. SLOW-MOTION SPLIT KICKS IN MID-AIR. SHOTS. PIGGY BACK RIDES. LOVE. EXCITEMENT. PUMP!!!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!

Yo, welcome back! Sorry for the lack of PUMP last Wednesday, I know some of you were depending on the PUMP to get you through your mediocre day, and I failed you. Don't worry, judging by the abundance of verbal abuse, hate mail, and burning crosses in my yard, I'd say you're ready to be PUMPED UP once again, and I'm here for you.

So come on in, take a seat, get settled, and welcome to Wednesday. Nope. Change of plans, stand up. Backwards kick that chair as hard as you freegin' can. Rip yer shirt off. Yell at yer boss. Stand on your desk. Pour a cup of coffee on yer chest. NOW you're ready. This is the greatest Wednesday of your life (so far). HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!

Why are we here? It's simple. We're here to help you rise up from the gigantic shit-ball that is your 9 to 5. In a few mere minutes, you will be jumpkicking Wednesday in the teeth, grabbing your wang or clam with one hand, while simultaneously raising a defiant middle finger to "the man" with the other. Get jacked up, feel the pump in your soul, and let's get right to it!!!

PUMP - THE KFC DOUBLE DOWN!!

How I have not yet commented on this absurd "sandwich" is beyond me. I mean, dear god. I first read about it on some blog, and although I did have a lil' chuckle, I denied it's actual existence. Then came the billboards and TV ads for this ridiculous KFC monstrosity. Wow. I mean, I thought it was just an awesome joke, but KFC actually said "fuckit, lets just put it out there, see what happens..."

First of all, the "bun" is meat. Read that again. The "BUN" is MEAT. Two pieces of fried chicken, to be exact. Wedged between those greasy patties of

chicken-like product is 2 slices of cheese (why not?), two slices of bacon (essential), and then some of The Colonel's goo slathered on for good measure. What crazy Wisconsin scientist came up with this one? Really America? We've lowered our standards enough to actually ingest this stack of garbage? KFC isn't even hiding behind a mysterious slogan or clever ploy, either. They're flat out encouraging you to UNTHINK. That literally means DO NOT THINK. Turn off your brain for a minute and suck down one of these heart-stopping calorie heaps ASAP.

Welp, gotta admit, it's pretty meaty, and definitely just mind-boggingly stupid, so I vote yes. PUMP. And I thought the KFC Famous Bowls couldn't be topped...

ART PUMP!!

No, this is not a joke. I actually went to the Minneapolis Institute of Arts the other day, and uh, well, I looked at art. It was generally a relaxing, soothing experience, but one piece of art got me freegin' PUMPED.

I mean, how PUMPED are these dudes? Look at those grins. This piece intrigued me, so I went to the artist, Yue Minjun's website. Turns out there are armies of these grinnin' Chinamen. It's all pretty rad. Also, for you Minneapolis peeps, check out the 'Until Now' exhibition goin' on at MIA right now. It's completely FREE on every third post-Hump Day (aka Thursday), from 5 to 9, or free with college ID, or 8 bucks for you other schmucks. Art Pump.

Oh, sidenote, do you remember that classic episode of Saved by the Bell, in which Lisa Turtle ponders, "What is art? Are we art? Is art art?" Bold questions indeed Lisa, I wish I had all the answers. Moving on...

INTERRACIAL PUMP!!

Speaking of Lisa, when I was younger I realized that Lisa Turtle was the first African American girl that I would totally go to the Bone Zone with. Now I'm not trying to ruffle any feathers with that statement, it's just the truth. Think about it... right? Rawt?!? That episode where Zach hooked up with her... I mean, I was totally hopin' he'd ultimately get wit Kelly, but man, knockin' boots with Lisa was a pretty hot change of pace. PUMP!

WOOT.COM PUMP!!

Today, it's a Woot-off. If you don't know what that is, you're missing out. You can catch all the action HERE. If you didn't just click that link, you're missing out. If it is no longer Wednesday, April 28th, then you missed out. This is a timely pump.

NINJA TURTLE CHILD CARE PUMP!!

I really, uh, dunno what to say here. At least the baby looks... happy?

DRUNK GIRLS PUMP!!!

I leave you today with this clip. This song is rad. This video is retardedly amazing. Watch it. Seriously, watch it. If this doesn't pump you up today, I will give you a full refund. Just do it. Don't think. Unthink. Let's party. PUMP!!!

GET PUMPED, STAY PUMPED!!!!

Orangy

So there's this neighborhood cat that just kinda walks around the block, chillin'. It's friendly as hell, nice and big and soft, and I'd like to believe the cat belongs to the neighbors next door, as it's always generally clean and not looking like a hobo-cat.

(Sidenote: typin' 'hobo-cat made me think of 'robo-cat', which made me think of this.)

Anyhoo, this orange feline sometimes strolls into our yard, usually when I'm outside stretching before I go on a nice long run (around the block). My roommates and I have taken a liking to the cat, and decided to name him Orangy. Orangy is generally awesome, and it's always a nice treat to get a surprise visit from Orangy. Oh, also, the cat is orange. Not sure if I mentioned that.

The other night, a friend and I were outside in the backyard when we spotted Orangy in the alleyway. It was dark out, so we just saw the cat-like profile, a dark figure of a cat just sitting on the edge of the yard. Assuming it was the one and only beloved Orangy, we both started to call for Orangy, to get Orangy to come closer and hang with us.

"Orangy! Here Orangy!"

I really like saying, "Orangy". Let me make sure you're getting it right... it's like, if you were to bite into an actual orange, what would you say it tastes like? That's right, Orangy. I just wasn't sure if that was how you would spell "Orangy", but that's what I've already gone with, so I guess we're good.

ANYHOO, Orangy starts to approach us as we lure him closer with our cat-calls. Wait, are cat-calls something else? I think so, but I'm just sayin' we were calling the cat to come closer.

ANYHOO, Orangy walks up to us, and I run my hand over Orangy's head, then slowly down his neck. As I am petting him, my hand moves over a huge, hard lump on Orangy's back. "EHH!!!", I immediately pull my hand away.

"WTF, there's like a hard, disgusting lump-like deformity on Orangy's back!!" (I said something like that, I don't remember)

We decide not to pet Orangy anymore, but he still sorta keeps hangin' around us. My friend and I go on talking about something else, ignoring Orangy who is sitting behind us. After a while my friend decides to pay some attention to Orangy again, then notices the hard lumps on Orangy's back.

"Oh gross, you were totally right. I think this cat is like dirty, it's hair is all clumpy and weird. Don't touch it, it might have mites."

I felt a little bit offended that my friend would consider Orangy a "dirty cat", as Orangy has traditionally always been clean and well kept, but it was at that very moment when I looked into Orangy's eyes. Both eyes were surrounded by a dark black goo, and the cat's eyes were burning with pure malice and hatred. I think they were bloodshot even. That cat looked like a zombie. And that zombie cat was piercing my soul with those devilish eyes.

THIS WAS NO FUGGIN' ORANGY.

"THIS IS NO FUGGIN' ORANGY!" I yelled. "Ahhhhh!!!!!" my friend screamed, then immediately started crying and peeing, then ran for the house. The devil cat gave me one last look, then leaped away into the night. I'll never forget the terror I felt upon looking into that cat's eyes. Those eyes were dead. That cat was not from this earth.

After we had calmed down a bit and my friend changed into some drier clothes, we realized what we had been dealing with. "It was a freaky, Pet Cemetery Version of Orangy!" I stammered, heart still pounding intensely.

I have since yet to see Orangy, or the freakishly hideous dead cat that looked like Orangy since it walked into our yard that night. I pray that the real Orangy is alive and healthy, and hasn't been reincarnated as a soul-sucking devil cat from hell.

In other news, Bret Michaels, former Poison singer, star of Rock Of Love with Bret Michaels, and all around celebrity douchebag, is suffering from a brain hemorrhage right now and will most likely die. Probably because of this:

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!! - S.U.M.M.E.R.

Yo, straight up, to my Midwest peeps, get pumped. Now get SUPER PUMPED. Now concentrate real hard and GET THOSE PUMP LEVELS THROUGH THE FREEGIN' ROOF. What's the occasion you ask? Well, besides it being WEDNESDAY, it's also one other special thing...

SUMMER.

Yes my friends, I am officially calling it. Now before you go yelling at me, let me just assure you, it is summer. I've made the call, I'm sticking with it. I understand that we skipped Spring this year. I understand that the lake's not warm enough to dive in quite yet. I understand that there was that one year where I called Summer, then it snowed 3 more times. I've made mistakes in the past, but I'm fully confident in my decision now. It is SUMMER.

Why should this PUMP you up??? Let me count the ways...

PUMP ONE : GRILLING OUT.

I don't know how I even begin to explain how awesomely amazing grilling out is. You know when I most want to grill out? When I am just drivin' along on a nice day, windows down, mindin' my own bidness, when all of a sudden WHAMMO!, my nostrils are filled with the sweet scent of a flamin' grill somewhere off in the distance. Immediately my mind is filled with bratwursts and burgers and shish kabobs and perfectly seared steaks. It's like there are grill marks on my brain. Anytime that delicious aroma wafts in my direction, I get a FOOD BONER instantly. Bust out the charcoal, let's do this.

And the best part is you can grill any day, with anything - if it's made out of food, you can grill it. Feel free to get weird with it, it's totally cool. Chicken? Pork? Beef? Veggies? yepyepyepyep. Pizza? Let's give er a whirl! PUMP!

PUMP TWO: BASEBALL.

America certainly did get it right when they claimed this as our pastime. Nothing like havin' a few brews in the sun, nom noming on a hotdog, hearin' the crack of the bat, just enjoying THE sport of summer.

PUMP THREE : SAND.

Anytime sand is involved, in anything, it's a party. The beach? Hell yes. Fill a cooler and go run around in the sand. Get home and empty the sand out of your shoes - a sure indicator that summer is in full swing. Get one of those hourglasses with the sand in it - well, uh that has nothing to do with anything. But I'm pretty sure sand and summer go hand in hand.

PUMP FOUR: SANDALS.

...and if you've got sand, you bet yer ass you've got sandals. Ah, the feeling of not giving two shits about socks or shoes, slippin' into a comfy pair of sandals. You go from walkin around the house barefoot to out the door and good-to-go in 2 seconds. So easy. Kudos to Jesse Von Sandalton III, who invented the classic footwear. I made that up. One thing to note on sandals: Don't let foreigners fuck wit your sandals, especially while drinkin' milk, or this will happen:

PUMP FIVE: SUNBURNS.

Sunburns just freegin' rule. Ok, they do suck and hurt pretty bad, not really that pumpy of a thing, but hey, what an awesome reminder of a great summer day. A sunburn means that you were having so much fun doing whatever it was you were doing in the sweet summer sunshine that you just couldn't resist an hour or two more outside, baking in the glorious heat. Slap on some aloe vera gel and call it a day, cause you my friend got lobsterized. PUMP!

PUMP SIX: KITES.

When's the last time you flew a kite? Seriously. Go to Super Target, fork out $4, get a kite. Then ya know what you do with that sucker?? You get a nice windy day, find a nice open space outside, preferably next to a nice lake, and you nicely throw that thing up into the beautiful nice blue sky. Nice! Now you're winning. PUMP.

Ok, I just realized that I cannot fully represent the ahmazingness of Summer in just one blog post. It would probably take, um, all Summer to properly discuss Summer. So on to the speed round... I'll just post some more summery fun topics, with a picture to represent...

PUMP: POOL PARTIES.

PUMP: BONFIRES.

PUMP: WATERMELON EATING CONTESTS.

PUMP: SWIMMING.

PUMP: CAMPING.

S.U.M.M.E.R. ---> SUPER. UNBELIEVABLE. MELTY. MAGNIFICENT. ENDLESS. RECREATION.

THAT IS SUMMER.

Now I know you're just sittin' there in your cubicle, the most un-summerlike hell on earth, but just focus on all of the glorious things to come, as mentioned above. Trust me, those things wouldn't be half as fun unless you went through those miserable work days, pushin pencils and givin' in to the man. So GET PUMPED, you've got another KICK ASS SUMMER to look forward to, make this one count. Let's make this the PUMPIEST SUMMER OF ALL TIME. SUMMER OF THE PUMP!!!

Tips for surviving Predator 2

Tips for surviving Predator 2:

1. When you've got Predator on the ground, appearing dead, and you're holding a shotgun, DO NOT just quietly walk up to Predator and poke him in the chest with the shotgun. YOU BLAST THAT MUTHA FUCKA!!! Stupid Danny Glover.

2. Do NOT rely on Gary Busey to save your ass in the end, when all he's been doing the whole movie is making snide comments and generally be a cocky prick. Busey will die, most certainly.

3. If you think you'll swear your way out of this one, think again: Spike TV has edited the curse words. So for those of you considering calling Predator "one ugly mother..." well, get a new game plan pal.

4. When Predator screams, it's loud as f**k (edited for television), waking up all the old ladies in the apartment building. If you hear a beastly scream, GET THE EFF OUT!!

5. Remember, if you happen to get the upper hand in the ultimate Predator battle, note that he always likes to just give up and self-destruct. I know, it sucks, but just get ready for it. Also, don't try to figure out those little red blips on Predator's self-destruct wrist thingy, cause by the time you do, you'll be all blowed up.

6. If something's a-gunna explode, don't just stand there; dramatically jump out of the way just in time, as stuffs blowin' up just behind you. Whew, that was a close one.

7. All else fails, refer to Predator 1.

Selling Out to the Man

So we've made some slight modifications around the ol' pBath. Don't worry, all of the meaningless content you've grown to love is still there (occasionally). But one thing I have added is the obtrusive advertisement thingy on the right side of the page. Don't worry, it won't affect anything, and I'm sure you won't click on it, it just means that I've sold my soul to Google. In return, they will be sending me checks for 14 cents every month. Gotta pay dem bills somehow, right? Oh, and whatever cheap product they are advertising right now, you probably need to click on that ad and get. NOW!

LOL I just realized that the ads are tailored to the content of the blog, so unless you are in need of some HYDRAULIC HEAT PUMPS, you might not be clicking on that ad any time soon.

Also, I added a nifty hit counter, just for fun. Now I can somewhat gauge just how many of you are out there, but not really. It pretty much just counts how many times I click on my own blog. Pretty useless, but it might be fun to make that number go up and give this blog the illusion that people other than me are actually reading it.

I wonder if they could make a counter that counts a certain word on your blog? I'm thinking a PUMP COUNTER might come in handy for Wednesdays, just to gauge Pump Levels? Hmm..

Change we can believe in! Thanks for reading!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - NINTENDO!!!

Ok dudes and dudettes, I've got a pretty big PUMP-ON today for one of my absolute favorite things in life (No, not meat. Or beer. Or boobs, or cheese. Oh, and not bonfires. I just realized those are pretty rad too. You know how you could just stare into a fire for like, ever? And you see something different every time? And the next day when you smell your clothes? Oh man, that smell, it's so good, it's li... ok I'm gettin' sidetracked)

Today, let's get JACKED for one of the greatest inventions known to man, THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM. And oh how that system certainly did entertain!!!

Let's take a look at the mighty ways that this simple machine gets me ABSOLUTELY FREEGIN' PUMPED!!! (ABSO-PUMPIN-LUTELY?!?!)

PUMP ONE: THE GAMES.

Oh those glorious 8 bit games. I remember back in the day there were kids with a SHIT TON of games, I'm talking 50 to 100, and that didn't even scratch the surface. There are now 145,376 NES games in the world. I made that up. But there's a lot.

Rad kid, livin' hard, 1988.

PUMP TWO: THE GAME.

Yes, there were many amazing NES games, but you've got to be fistin' me if you don't agree that SUPER MARIO BROS 3 is the greatest Nintendo ga NO NO, THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME EVER MADE. PERIOD. I specifically remember hearing the news through the grapevine (my older cousins) once they had experienced the sheer awesomeness of Mario 3. In three simple words...

MARIO. CAN. FLY.

This is the game that effed up everything, it was so bad-ass. Nothing would ever top it, for like, uh, a couple months or so. But the effect of that game has lasted a lifetime. I don't even sound like a complete mega-nerd yet, cause I know for DAMN CERTAIN that you yourself have played Mario 3. I KNOW you have. It's just like, life man. If you are tryin' to tell me you've never played a game of Mario 3, just do me a favor and skip on down to PUMP EIGHT. Ok, movin' right along...

PUMP THREE: THE INVINCIBLE CONTROLLER.

As a Nintendo player, you've played Nintendo, and you've gotten angry. Every time I experience a particularly shitty point in a game, my go-to move is to violently slam the controller against the floor or across the room. Chuckin' that controller against a wall and yelling obscenities is a such a stress reliever, so fun. But guess how many NES controllers I've broken in my lifetime??? That's right: ZERO. Why? Cause those things don't break. They're an incredible piece of Japanese hardware, impervious to even the strongest 12 year old's tortures.

If you've ever had to buy another Nintendo controller, it is because you've lost yours or your cousin Greg stole it or you bought a 2 player game or your mom accidentally sold it in a thrift sale. It is NOT because you broke it, because that sir, is impossible.

PUMP FOUR: BEATING RECORDS.

Nothing like crushing your buddy's confidence by beating their top scores, no matter how long it takes you. (Suck it, Ben.)

PUMP FIVE: NINTENDO BLOWS.

There's nothing like a Nintendo not properly playing your games. And the end all remedy, known to kids around the world? Blow into the game. I've almost come to believe that that is half the fun, blowin' into the games (to supposedly clean the dust out of the cartridge)? It's almost like the ultimate rewarding moment once you get that game title screen to come up without errors on your TV. And there was always that one kid who claimed to have "the blow" haha.

"Oh hey guys, I've got this, works every time, I swear." Phhhhhuuuhhhhffff!!!

Man, I think for every hour of a Nintendo game I've played, I've spent 15 minutes blowing into the game, then into the console, just trying to get that sucka to work.

PUMP SIX: THE WIZARD.

Classic Nintendo movie not only starring a young and dreamy Fred Savage, the unveiling of Super Mario Bros 3, and a hot Jenny Lewis (of Rilo Kiley fame), this classic film also featured one of the most mysterious items of Nintendo lore, The Power Glove.

Favorite Quote from "The Wizard": "I love the Power Glove. It's so bad." - Lucas

Second favorite quote: "California." - Jimmy

PUMP SEVEN: THE POWER GLOVE.

Holy shit, this thing looked so bad ass! Do you remember this? A Nintendo GLOVE, covered in fancy buttons and stuff, the ultimate weapon in gaming!! I remember getting really PUMPED about this... til 17 years later I realized that I had yet to ever see one of these things. I think they only made like 4 of them. Plus I'm betting they, uh, didn't work worth a crap. But CHECK OUT THE VID BELOW, (NOW!!!) then kick a coworker in the teeth, you'll be so goddamn MEGA-PUMPED!!! Who knew they invented the Wii in 1990??!

PUMP EIGHT: THE REAL LOSERS.

Whew, what a pumpy subject for HDPU today, eh?! Now I'm going to predict that there's some REAL nerds out there that are sorta, oh I dunno, un-pumped for all this Nintendo talk. As if there was possibly a chance that Nintendo wouldn't pump you up. I usually don't cater to assholes like you, but just in case there are a few of you out there who don't care for the above, here's something un-nintendo-y to pump you up - An awesome pic of a man who bought a kiddy pool, filled it completely with pudding, then took a bath in it. Scroll down and enjoy, haters.

OH SNAP!! I lied, it's just a guy in a PENIS SUIT. My bad. Oh, it may be too late but I forgot to mention, this pic is NSFW, suckas!! In yo face. Get a life. And a Nintendo.

So to all my PUMPY friends, today let's raise a glass (of coffee for those of us at work, tequila for those of us who are not) to the greatest technological invention known to man (and sometimes women, but they generally suck at nintendo [prove me otherwise ladies!].) CHEERS TO NINTENDO!!! 1-2-3- Teeeeaaaaam DRINK!!!!

Keep each other pumped out there!!! And remember, life is not an 8-bit game. It's more like 1 gajillion-bits, but it is a game, so remember to play it hard, do your best, don't cheat (but sometimes get assistance, from let's say a Game Genie), and HAVE FUN!! Stay pumped.

Funny Bones.

Thoughts on bones.

1. When you bang the shit out of your elbow, aka "hit yer funny bone", there is absolutely nothing goddamn funny about it. It sucks, it is a stinging, sharp pain that seemingly hits you right in the soul. Why some idiot would go and label the smashing of this bone as "funny" is beyond me.

2. The TRUE funniest bone is, inevitably, the boner.

3. Boner died. He's that dude from Growing Pains, Mike Sever's friend, who was always gettin' into some kind of, er, predicament. That's one Boner we're certainly going to miss.

4. Similar to all of this (?) is the term "Bone-head". If you are an idiot or jackass, like the guy who invented the term "funny bone", you are considered a "Bone-head". In reality, all of our heads are comprised of bone, so all of you out there reading this, you are all Bone-heads.

5. Back to boners for a sec, never wear gym shorts to work on Casual Fridays, unless you are me and there are no hotties to be found within your entire office space. I be wearin' gym shorts to work all the time, no boners to be had there. (*Update: part of this statement is no longer true)

6. When you gain knowledge that a friend/coworker/your parents/Kim Kardashian/anyone is about to GET IT ON with another person, you shall from this day forward refer to that as going to "THE BONE ZONE". This magical place known as "THE BONE ZONE" can be referenced in many different ways, including the following examples:

"Hey man, you were really hittin' it off with that Mindy chick at the party last night. You kinda disappeared too. Did you guys go to THE BONE ZONE???"

OR

"Dude, total bummer - she told me she had a boyfriend. I thought I was in fo sho, but turns out I was a hundred miles away from THE BZ."


7. There's a show on Fox called "Bones". Never seen it, but I'm guessing it's about two detectives who solve mysteries by looking at, erm, bones or something. This couple's relationship might also be teetering on the verge of romantic, with a "will they/won't they", Jim/Pam thing goin' on to pique the audience's interest. That's just my guess. Also, I'm guessing you can throw this show into the shit pile with all the other crap on that network (House, Fringe, 24). Make no bones about it, this show probably sucks.

(Ok ok, I guess 24 gets some street cred out there, I dunno, I don't watch any of that garbage. I was really just trying to talk about more "bones" stuff. My big qualm with 24 [again, i know nothing about the show, so settle down]: I THOUGHT THERE WERE JUST 24 HOURS TO DIFFUSE THE BOMB/STOP THE TERRORISTS/SAVE THE WORLD/WHATEVER IT IS JACK BAUER IS DOING?! I mean, what's goin' on there? Haven't there been like 5 seasons of that crap? Shouldn't they have set the bar a lil' higher when starting out the show by naming it, oh, i don't know, 192? That way you've got a guaranteed 8 seasons to finish up being a hero or whatever. I'm sure America has already been filled in on this, but I'm oblivious. Can someone set me straight on that one? In the meantime, I'll just go on hating it.)