HEY DUDES AND DUDE-LOVERS

HEY DUDES, DON'T HAVE TIME FOR MUCH TODAY, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO GUIDE YOU TO THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN (TODAY).

http://24oz.blogspot.com/


JUST DO IT! I'M NOT ASKING, I'M TELLING YOU. AND IF YOU WERE BORN AFTER 1986, KINDLY FUCK OFF. JK... KINDA.

HUMP DAY BRETT FAVRE NOT A VIKING PUMP UP!!!

HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA OH VIKINGS FANS, YOU SHOULD SEE THE LOOKS ON YOUR PITIFUL FACES RIGHT NOW! IT'S SO PRICELESS!! LOL HAHAHHAAHHAHAHHAHA, SUCKERS!!
























Ya fell for the ol' Favre Switcharoo, eh?? "I'm retiring. Wait, no I'm not. Yes I am. I am not." Man, how I just LOVED coming into the office every day to hear your pathetic jeering; "Who's got Favre now, huh??" Thank you so much for the past 17 years of constantly commenting that the Packers and Brett Favre suck, even when we were too busy going to playoffs and Super Bowls while you sat and cried in your room with your Chris Carter and/or Adrian Peterson jerseys on. It's funny how you were so quick to criticize our top quarterback, then flippity-flopped and began getting pumped at the smallest chance you'd actually acquire said quarterback. Hahaha. REVERSE PUMP!



















I'm glad Favre could give you 'Queens fans the slightest glimmer of hope, only to stomp on your dreams and crush the thought of the Vikings ever being able to assemble a solid team. Thank you Brad Childress for trying to coax Brett over to your side, while at the same time alienating your other two incumbent quarterbacks, Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels. Also, thanks Childress for looking like my creepy Uncle. PUMP.













Childress Before.














Childress After, with a tan.




But no hard feelings, right Vikes? We'll have just as much fun whippin' yer asses with A-Rodge at the helm. So long Favre, thanks for not making a scene on yer way out, and so long to the desperate hopes of purple-wearing morons in the great state of Minnesota (especially the goons in my office). PUMPED!!!


















BRETT FAVRE: FUCKING THE VIKINGS OVER SINCE 1992.



Oh, and for the rest of you (all of you) who really couldn't give a shit and just want a goddamn good ol' fashion HUMP DAY PUMP UP, here's a kid eating shit...



HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP EVERYBODY!!!!

FRIDAY FREAKOUT!!!

Uh... I dunno.

SUPER SURGE HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!

Okay okay, I get it!! You guys need to git yer PUMP ON!!! I had a busy morning, mmmkay?? Jeezus, lay off me! Sorry. I apologize for the delay, now let's take a lil' trip down memory pump lane...

You guys remember SURGE??!!??!! This shit was awesome!!!! It was a delicious, delicious soda treat that was energy-glow green in color, loaded with essential sugars and caffeines, and freakin' tasted like a roundhouse kick to the face (not sure what that means)!!! Anyhoo, here's a few of my fondest SURGE memories....
























*One time SURGE sponsors came to our school, and held a muthafuckin' SURGE PEP RALLY!!! Dudes were just throwin' cans of SURGE into the crowd, there was a SURGE freegin' DRINKING CONTEST... Dear god man, this would shit would NEVER fly today! It's a battle just to keep pop machines in schools these days... a goddamn PEP RALLY for soda??? Unheard of. Makes me feel old. PUMP!


*At aforementioned SURGE RALLY, Mitchell Fremstad won a neon green SURGE t-shirt. Don't know why i remember that, but I KNOW he did. That shirt was ugly as hell. I wonder if he still has it? PUMP!



*My best friend and I would stay up all night, just BUZZIN' offa SURGE. We'd get pumped and play Nirvana cassettes and just ROCK OUT with our beaded necklaces on, it ruled. PUMP!


*The SURGE gods somehow got my address, and I was sent a TOTALLY KICK ASS SURGE CD!! It was just this random promo, but I distinctly remember Jimmy Eat World's 'Seventeen' on there, and this punk-ish song called 'Vitamins' that got me ALL JACKED UP when I'd be drinkin' my SURGE! DOUBLE PUMP!!










*Years after the sad departure of SURGE, my friend and I found cans of it on Ebay. We almost forked out the $20 or whatever ridiculous price it was... not for the nostalgia value of owning the can, but to ACTUALLY CRACK THAT BAD BOY OPEN AND TASTE THE SOUL-QUENCHING NECTAR OF THE GODS ONE LAST TIME!!!!


*Holy shit, there's a website dedicated to SAVING SURGE!! http://www.savesurge.org/
PA-PA-PUMP!!


BONUS PUMP!!!

I'll let all you SURGE aficionados in on a little known secret... SURGE STILL EXISTS!!! Coca Cola just decided to slap a different label on it... VAULT. But trust me, VAULT IS SURGE!!! VAULT IS SURGE!!!!!! Enjoy. Happy Pump Day!

DIET WEEK.

So I wanted to start a diet this week, but c'mon people, I hate that word, "DIET". F that noize. So I thought maybe I'll just sorta watch what I eat this week, you know, to be semi-healthy or whatever. I wanted to keep you updated on my progress, but I figured you wouldn't give 2 shits about every single item of food I'd eaten this week so I've narrowed it down to some of the highlights. DIET, WEEK ONE:



SUNDAY DINNER (at movie theater) = 1 Large popcorn, butter, and 3 good shakes each of every kind of popcorn flavor shake-stuff they had (Cheddar, Sour Cream and Chive, White Cheddar, Salt). 1 Large Coca-Cola. Finished before I was 20 mins into the movie.

MONDAY LUNCH = 1 double cheeseburger-in-a-bag, gas-station style. 1 Bag of Chips. 1 16oz Monster energy drink.


WEDNESDAY BREAKFAST = 1 McDonalds Sausage Egg and Cheese McMuffin. 1 Large McCafe iced vanilla coffee. 1 Five Hour energy shot drink.

WEDNESDAY PRE-DINNER = 3 Large beers.

WEDNESDAY DINNER = 1 Big-ass Turkey/Spinach Artichoke sandwich. Large portion of sweet potato french fries. 3 Large Pale Ales.

WEDNESDAY AFTER-DINNER = 6 games beer pong worth of beer (approx. 7-9 beers)


THURSDAY LUNCH = 1 Buffalo chicken wrap. Side Coleslaw. 1 Gigantic Fishbowl full of booze.

FRIDAY LUNCH = 1 All You Can Eat Pizza Buffet meal - 13 slices varied pizza. 1 small sub sandwich. 3 donut-like things covered in sugar and cinnamon. 1 plop of cottage cheese. 1 small salad.

SATURDAY - SUNDAY (predicted) = 2.5 to 3 gallons of varied beers and liquors. 3 to 5 pounds varied meats. 1 to 2 pounds varied cheeses. 5 buns. Some kind of vegetable product mixed in there somewhere.



So far, so good! If I could offer any advice to the fellow Puddingbathers looking to drop a few pounds this summer, remember this: Set a goal, and stick to it!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!

Oh lord I just had a very Large McCafe vanilla iced coffee bullshit thingy, and I am JACKED, friends! You know what time it is, let's GET PUMPED!!!

















First off, dig this lil' jam, it'll get ya right in that SUMMER TIME PUMP-UP MOOD!! Check out those friggin' mutton chops, holy LOL!!!





Next up, let's get a WEIRD WTF PUMP in here... holy shit, is that Phil Collins? AND Mask? PUMP.


























Had a little PUMP CHAT with a co-worker today...




























BONUS ALL-AMERICAN PUMP UP QUOTE (courtesy of Charlie, from 'It's Always Sunny...')

"I’m gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ASS. Gonna kick some ASS in the USA. Gonna climb a MOUNTAIN, gonna sew a FLAG, gonna fly on an EAGLE. I’m gonna kick some BUTT, gonna drive a big TRUCK. I’m gonna rule this world. I’m gonna kick some ASS. I’m gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE!!!!"









HAVE A GREAT WEDNESDAY EVERYBODY, KEEP THOSE PUMPED LEVELS UP, IT'S ALMOST THE WEEKEND!! AND REMEMBER, PLEASE PUMP RESPONSIBLY!!!!

Let's Get Weird.

Hey friends, go here, now.

http://camus.ytmnd.com/

It's fine, you can leave the puddingbath today, I really got nuthin' to say anyway. But please, just watch this for oh, i don't know, at least 9 minutes. It's strangely hypnotic.

Seriously, don't talk to me until you've endured at least 9 mins of this.

The Meatiest Sandwich.

So I just finished a delicious delicious scrum-didily-umptious masterpiece called the FOOTLONG MEATBALL MARINARA SUB from the fine establishment of Subway. But hold the phone friends, this wasn't just any tasty treat. Oh no sir! I've had my share of meaty subs, but this one TAKES THE CAKE. AND THE MEAT. It takes all the meat, and all the cake; it was THAT GOOD. Lemme explain.

You see, as I entered Subway on this beautiful summer night, my first thought was, "Dammit, bad timing", as I noticed the horde of hungry people lined up for tasty tasty meat treats that can only come from Subway. I really hate waiting in line, but when you're paying 5 measly dollars for a tube of bread loaded with balls of meat, sweet zesty sauce, and fresh, crunchy fixins, what can ya do? So I waited. And waited. Really lady? You don't know what kind of bread you want, yet you've been standing in line 10 minutes? C'mon!

So it's finally my turn to order, and I decide to rock a footlong meatball on Monterey Cheddar. Sounds perfect, right? Well my friends, all was not right in the Subway world this fine evening. As I placed my order with Luis the Mexican Sandwich Artist (I call him that, cause employees there are known as 'sandwich artists'... and he was a Mexican), I watched in horror as Luis (pronounced 'lew-eece') dug around the hot bin with his scooper-thingy, only to pull out an empty tub where those delicious meatballs usually dwell. My heart sank as I watched Luis scramble to the back, reappearing with a new tub of cold meatballs. A tear almost emerged from my eye as I see Luis hit '8 minutes' on the microwave. 8 more minutes before my beatiful sub sandwich creation is even close to completion! Ugggghhh.















Well, what could I do? I felt my stomach grumbling in complaint as I helplessly let 3 other people by me in line - giving them a free pass right to the "fixin's zone", as I like to call it. Finally the microwave went off, the meatballs were DONE! THE MEATBALLS WERE DONE! My mouth was watering intensely at this point as Luis quickly pulled the meatballs from the microwave and began urgently dumping meat onto my sub. But whoa, something was happening. Holy shit, I couldn't believe my eyes...

As Luis, the Mexican Sandwich Magician proceeded to place the designated 8 meatballs on my sub, I watched in amazement as he KEPT GOING!!! Yes indeedy fellow puddingbathers, he kept on truckin' to 12 MEATBALLS! I shit you NOT, TWELVE MUTHA FUCKIN' MEATBALLS!!! That has just got to be against some Subway policy, or maybe Luis had just had a hard day and was starting to lose it, I dunno man, but there were 12 beautiful, glistening meat chunks on my sandwich. Ok, it might have been 10, but it was still SO meatful, I was freakin' out, hard.




















"Sorry for wait" says Luis.

No need to apologize Luis, you are the fuckin' man! Gettin' absolutely crazy wit dem meatballs, son! OMG to the MAX!

My pumped levels were off the charts. I carried my heavy meat-sack home in excitement, then ripped that bad boy open and enjoyed what I will now label the BEST goddamn Subway sandwich I've ever had, EVER. I mean, MEAT BITE after MEAT BITE. I had meatballs just rollin' outta my sandwich. It was messy, it was beautiful, it was an epic meal. Say what you will about Subway... sure, it's no Quizno's... or even Jimmy Johns, but I'll be DAMNED if I ever get the same glorius meaty experience as I did at Subway today.

Thank you Luis, and thank you Subway, for making dreams come true.

HUMP DAY BACON PUMP UP!!!

Welcome all of you meaty people to a super bacon-infused version of HUMP DAY PUMP UP! There are few things in this world that get my PUMPED levels risin' like the thought of succulent, greasy BACON just a-sizzlin' away in the fryin' pan! So as you read this, sitting at your cubicle, dead-center in the middle of a semi-boring week, just close yer eyes and imagine the smoky, luscious aroma of tasty tasty BACON drifting through the office air.

Bacon Tat! Pumped!

Nothin' like washing down a basket of bacon with a PBR tallboy. Good on the stomach, AND the wallet. Bacon Wallet. PUMPED!

If a girl took off her shirt to reveal a sweet bacon bra, I might just lose it. HORNY HUNGER PUMP!!

And one more classic clip, on the philosophy of our favorite meat. BONUS PUMP!

The Winner.

Thank you all for your submissions to the 'Name My New Alarm Clock' contest! All entries were taken into careful consideration by our highly esteemed panel of judges (me). After much heated discussion, I think we've finally settled on a winner... From now on, for the rest of my life, or until this super alarm clock dies, (future blog contest? Who will die first, me or the clock? Place yer bets..) I will be be waking up to...

LISSA!!!


Now, to explain my selection a little further, let's give you some back-story. Obviously one of my all time favorite films is KRULL. For those of you who haven't seen it (all of you), the clip below depicts a Prince awakening after some old dude rubs some goo on him. His first words upon waking... well, you know the rest. Enjoy. (Sidenote: I couldn't find the clip on the interwebz, so its a shitty vid i took with my camera, but PLEASE WATCH nonetheless).





I can't wait to wake up every morning, shouting "LISSA!!!" to the world. Congrats to Ben Julson, I will contact you shortly regarding the $100 prize. Thank you all for participating!