My Apologies.

Sorry I haven't gotten back to you, I know it's been a while, but I've been busy swallowing whiskey, waking up at 3 in the afternoon, and eating meatballs all day. This is my "vacation"; endless partying in my hometown. It really did cross my mind to go on a real trip, you know, outside of the Wisconsin border, but fuck it man, it's just too fun to get wrecked at the towny bars 6 nights in a row, reminiscing until morning with people you haven't seen since high school. So there, that's my apology. Sorry I haven't responded to your 132 work emails, sorry I peed on your favorite plant, sorry i made your girlfriend puke off that last shot of jameson, sorry we put your car in the ditch saturday night, sorry mom for throwing a rager at yer house while you were gone, sorry for butchering "Boy Named Sue" at the karaoke bar, sorry for making you stay open until 2 on a Sunday night so we could finish our drunk Pictionary game, sorry for that vagina comment, sorry for new years (in advance). Please accept my apology.

Stomach Full, iPod Empty.

So I go to jam to some tunes on my ipizzle, and guess what? It's fuckin' wiped clean. Artists - none. Songs - none. Playlists I never use- none. 60 gigs of jams, completely gone. I have no idea how this occurred. Funny thing is, I was just having a convo with my buddy about how I should really start backing up everything, cause shit man, wouldn't that just suck so hard if i happened to lose years worth of music? Haha, then BLAMMO, my ipod decides to pull a Regarding Henry.

And ya know, I guess I didn't freak out as hard as I expected I would. Whatevs... music can be replaced. Getting music isn't like it used to be... I remember as a kid I would save up some cash, make the trip with Ma up to the Best Buy 20 miles away, and buy ONE ALBUM. (And by album i mean record, and by record I don't mean a piece of vinyl, I mean one complete, um, collection of musical recordings released on a given date... as in Michael Jackson's Thril...fuckit, you get it... an album.) I mean I would buy one single cassette tape or CD. I'd listen the shit outta that album, too. I'd know every lyric, every song inside and out. I'd lay on my bed and actually look at the cover art. I'd know the band member's names. I'd actually give two shits; the album was a sacred thing.

Nowadays? The true album experience is gone. "No, I've actually never gotten around to owning Dylan's Blood on the Tracks, but I'll just download that quick here... ah yep, got it. Deerhunter? Haven't heard 'em, but I'll illegally download their discography, listen to a few tracks, then leave it on my ipod to later be lost. You wanna get some burgers? Okay." Eazy-peezy, japaneezy. Worthless music...endless, meaningless mp3's...torrents, rips, burning, stealing... it's all too simple, and it's killing the fun of owning and treasuring a real album.

On another note, my buddy was at the mall and saw a girl with two heads. Rad.

Things I'm stoked about today.

All in all it was a pretty legit day. 7.5 outta 10. Aside from the never-ending distraction I call "work", these things got me jazzed today:

-BREAKFAST. kick ass burrito to start the day off right. it was perfectly lukewarm.

-PARKING. got a spot today, no hassle.

-STOLEN MUSIC. just loaded the ipizzle with 9 new albums. new jams are good. sorry your band can't afford to eat, i'll try to catch your show when you come around.

-BUYIN' ONE, GETTIN' ONE. met a good friend of mine for pizza lunch, BOGO style.

-HEAT SACKS. someone gave me some of those HotHand little sack things that warm up when you smack em around a bit. see, i sit by this large window that makes my workspace a fuckin' arctic hell zone, and my hands are freakishly frigid all day long no matter how hard i type on my keyboard or slap high fives with other twenty-somethings around the office. warm hands = best present. ever (today).

-RANDOM SONG HEARD AT WORK. hell yes I'm a wisconsinite, and hell yes I get pumped when someone at work decides to crank Todd Rundgren's "I don't wanna work, I just wanna bang on the drum all day!!", the same song that echoes throughout lambeau field when the packers score a TD.

-DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING. seeing co-workers jammin' hard at their desk with headphones on, unaware that i'm observing their furious foot-tapping, head-bobbing, and air-drumming-with-pen skillz. puts a big grin on my face.

-SHOWS/DRINKS. Lawrence arms playin the triple rock tomorrow/heavy boozing. what a great thursday it is, when you just know that your friday is gonna rock so much harder.

100 Things I Love.

So recently I've noticed a lot of my fellow blogging friends have been putting up a list of the 100 things they love. This may seem like an easy task, but the catch is you're supposed to really narrow it down to the utmost things you absolutely, unconditionally love the most in your life. I thought I'd join in, but I figured 100 was a lil' unnecessary. So here we go...

1. meat.
2. sleeping.

Jan. 22. Minneapolis, MN. Pantages Theatre.

Dog School.

If I were to open a Dog Obedience School, like some kind of Doggie-College, I would name it
Harfvard!

(As in, like a dog barking, saying 'arf', and the college, Harvard.)
I guess I can't really describe the genius of this idea in words, there would have to be a commercial or something. I'd probably get the dog in this movie below to act it out...

Are these people real? Unfortunately, yes. Yes they are real.

Are you having a bad day? Has your job got you down? Maybe your girlfriend/guyfriend recently dumped you? Is life just miserable for you? Consider this: You are not a 37 year old man wearing a wizard cloak your mother made you, playing live action role-playing games in the woods, wondering what the embrace of a woman is like. Enjoy your day.

"I'm So Hungry, I Could Eat a Horse."

A comment I heard from a co-worker at the office today. Really? A horse? That's completely ridiculous. Why would you even say such a stupid... ugh! I'm so upset right now. So you're telling me that if I had some frozen USDA grade A horse-meat in the trunk of my car right now, you'd eat that? I doubt it, man. You're probably just trying to impress our department. I saw you checking out the new intern. Also, you're an idiot because there is a Subway right down the block. What a moron. Is this the hungriest you've ever been, hungry man? Or would you just settle for some Sun Chips, ya stupid dummy? A horse. Come on. There's no way you're going to find a horse in the city at this hour. And how the heck would you kill a horse, hot-shot? I bet you'd have to get a gun or a large shovel or something, and by the time you've found a horse, killed it, prepared it, and eaten it, your lunch break would be waaaay over. No way, Jose. The prep time alone would take more than half an hour. What a show-off. I'd bet five bucks that you wouldn't even eat it, but I don't have any cash on me right now. I really wish people would think before they opened their stupid hungry mouths.

Stay Together for the Kids.

I'm not sure of the motives behind the slew of bands who decide to call it "un-quitsies" and reunite, but for the most part I'm stoked on the idea. I mean, why not, right? If people paid attention to bands in their early days/rise to significance/prime/downward spiral/demise, and yet still show interest in said band's "resurrection", why not give the people what they want?

A Get Up Kids secret reunion show recently came together, and what's this... an entire tour in '09? Oh hell yes, sign me up! Ben Folds decided to get the Five (er, two) back together for a show? Rad, man. Spice Girls Reunion? Uggh, so stupid it's awesome. New Kids on the Block are going to give it a go one more time? Well, uh, I guess I could care less, but it does give me peace of mind knowing that somewhere in this world there is a 29 year old woman locked in a candlelit room, getting off using a dildo with a Donnie Wahlberg sticker on it.

Some bands don't even have the need for the reunion part, but are just feeling nostalgic. Built to Spill decided to knock out the entire Perfect From Now On album during shows this year, and Jimmy Eat World has scheduled 10 exclusive dates where their emo-classic Clarity will be performed in full as well. I am all for this... any chance to see a band play the entire album that you've cried to, made out to, puked to, whatever... it's a good thing.

Inevitably, I'm sure some bands hear the "ka-ching!" in their heads when the possibility of a reunion is mentioned (i.e. Van Halen, Motley Crue, Smashing Pumpkins), and could really give two shits about sentiment, reminiscing, "that old feeling", the fans, etc. But hey, you're the douchebag buying the $120 ticket. And really, that's fine. I get wrapped up in the hype of reliving the past, too. My only problem is, in hindsight, have any of these exciting reunion shows really delivered? I remember hoping for the past 10 years or so that The Police would just work out whatever shit it was those English pricks were dealing with, and just get back together already. Then they finally announced that they would, and I was extremely pumped. Thinking about it now that it's come and gone... well, I guess it didn't mean as much as I thought it would to me. Honestly, I kinda missed the whole thing anyway... I haven't watched any Police footage from the reunion tour yet, and don't really feel a strong desire to.

So maybe this reunion crap isn't all that exciting after all? Maybe these bands are just cashing in on fans that can't seem to let go of the past? That being said, I'd still give my left testicle to see a Pavement reunion. Seriously. I haven't figured out what these two things hanging between my legs are for anyway, besides making your friends laugh when they're about to take a sip of Dr. Pepper.

Holiday Nut Log.

[Editor's note: There are no awful puns or comparisons to testicles, genitals, scrotums, balls, ball-sacks, or "nuts" as referring to male anatomy in the entry below. And no, I am not above using such references; we'll probably get there in another blog post in due time...]


Okay, let's talk about holiday traditions. How do they start? I mean, some guy somewhere had to be the first to tell his family "Okay honey, kids, bear with me here... I think this year we should all hang a sock up on the fireplace. You kids go to bed, we'll see what happens tomorrow morning... maybe there'll be a few pieces of melted chocolate or some nickels or something in yer socks, who knows?"
Can you just picture the kids' puzzled faces?

"Seriously Dad, what the fuck are you talking about?"

That example was crap, but I'm sure you can come up with your own... just think of ridiculous, meaningless rituals that we've pulled out of our asses, yet repeat every year without question: gift giving, singing to strangers, mistletoe kisses, Santa Claus (Jesus?). When you go home for the Holidays this year, take a look around you and ponder just what the hell it is that you're really doing for a minute. Most of it won't make much sense...

But there's gotta be a first time for everything, right? And that first time has to be incredibly awkward for everyone involved. These traditions don't just happen overnight people, they take time to catch on.

So I was thinking, would it be possible to start my own holiday tradition? We'll narrow it down to conventional holiday food... let's take Christmas dinner. The typical fare is usually ham or bird or some other sort of holy meat, mashed potatoes, gravy, veggies, some kind of cranberry jello-like thing, maybe yams, (Sidenote: WTF is a yam?), pie for dessert, assorted cookies and candies floating around somewhere in there. Most holi-dinners tend to stick to a menu similar to this, which is typically a good thing. This meal is always bomb-ass, and I look forward to it; no need to make any drastic changes. I mean it's not like the cousins are going to fly in from Tampa for some Papa John's pizza. But is there anything wrong with tampering with the tried-and-true formula just a bit? I'm thinking of adding a new food item to the typical holiday meal; file it under the 'dessert' section: Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you... THE HOLIDAY NUT LOG.









The concept is simple. You know those awesome Salted Nut Roll Candy bar things? Just take that and make it BIGGER. I'm envisioning this HUGE creamy gooey marshmallowy log, drizzled with delicious melted caramel, covered in a ton of crunchy salted peanuts. One gigantic frickin' Nut Roll. Hell yes! I've looked up homemade recipes online for the candy bar-sized Salted Nut Rolls, and it's totally do-able, just multiply the ingredients by 10 and there you go man... a huge Holiday Nut Log!! You can then carve that sucker up into slices and serve to the whole ugly-sweater-wearing congregation at the dinner table.

Okay, making Nut Log should be no trouble at all. Now the hard part... getting this damn Nut Log tradition going. Timing is everything. I mean, do you just keep this Nut Log in the back seat of your car while everyone eats their turkey at Grandma's house? Then when the time comes, do you go run out to the car and grab it, carefully sneak it in through the backdoor, and discretely slide that hog onto the table while your Aunt Linda is cleaning up the dishes? Do you present the Nut Log with some grand display of showmanship? (Sidenote: Do you think it costs much for one of those classy shiny silver rounded lid things with the handle that waiters in movies use to reveal fancy food?) Do you sneak Nut Log in earlier, in hopes that it just blends in with all of the other potluck food items? Do you try to have the Nut Log creator remain anonymous?

I mean, let's face it... 'Nut Log: Year One' is gonna be damn hard. Can't you just see Grandpa's face as this foreign peanut-covered arts and crafts project is unveiled on his table, next to the pie and "traditional" holiday desserts? I mean age-old, rock-solid bullshit traditions are hard to break, or even modify in the slightest. This is going to take some patience and persistence.

You're going to have to be strong. No one at the table was prepared for this. They're going to question your Nut Log, as well as your sanity. Take control of the situation. Lead off with something like, "Well gang, I was thinking we'd shake things up this year, get a lil' crazy...(while playfully grabbing your mom's shoulders and shaking her about) so I made this dessert, it's called a 'Nut Log'. Here Grandma, why don't you go ahead and sit back down, I'll carve everybody a slice."









Do NOT expect this to go smoothly. This will be extremely awkward at best. You will be ridiculed by loved ones. You can bet you will get peculiar looks as everyone bites into their slice of Holiday heaven. Deal with it. It's not like people didn't laugh when Einstein ripped a fart in Physics class. (Sidenote: I don't know what that means.) The unveiling of the Nut Log will be a rough ordeal, but consider the payoff for your sacrifice. Picture the scene ten years down the road: everyone's cleaned their plates; the dirty dishes have been cleared and stacked in the sink; the small-talk has been exhausted. It's then that you notice it... the excited looks around the table, the curious glances towards the kitchen... oh you know it's on! It's Nut Log time!

"I'll get the Holiday Nut Log Knife!" cries your cousin Kenny excitedly.

"Just wouldn't be the Holidays without that Nut Log!" says Aunt Joan.

These are just a few of the things you'll be hearing every Christmas season. "Oh, I just love that Nut Log!" You're goddamn right. It's tradition now, bitches. NUT LOG = THE HOLIDAYS.
Nut Log is just as much a part of stupid tradition as decorating a tree in your living room. Nut Log is a comin' every year, just as Santa Claus or Jesus or whoever the hell is a comin' down your chimney. Nut Log IS Christmas. Nut Log is ribbons and bows and garland and tinsel. Nut Log is eating till you have to loosen your belt. Nut Log is giving your job description to your Aunts at the dinner table for the third time, while hungover. Nut Log is Uncles falling asleep on couches. Nut Log is your little sister playing Jingle Bells on the piano. Nut Log is hours of uncomfortable conversations with that kooky family of yours, when all you really wanna do is take off and do shots of tequila with your hometown friends at the bar.

NUT LOG = THE HOLIDAYS.

So go ahead, make your own Holiday Nut Log. Share the love this year with your family. Take a risk. Should you choose to join me in this endeavor, I can only wish you the best of luck. Let's get this tradition started...

In the immortal words of Mr. Bruce Springsteen,

"I'll wait it out all year, for my baby to come home,
I got one more night of waiting, one more night alone.
Gonna light me up a fire, gonna get warm by the coal,
Gonna share it with my baby, one more piece of that Nut Roll."