Okay, let's talk about holiday traditions. How do they start? I mean, some guy somewhere had to be the first to tell his family "Okay honey, kids, bear with me here... I think this year we should all hang a sock up on the fireplace. You kids go to bed, we'll see what happens tomorrow morning... maybe there'll be a few pieces of melted chocolate or some nickels or something in yer socks, who knows?"
Can you just picture the kids' puzzled faces?
"Seriously Dad, what the fuck are you talking about?"
That example was crap, but I'm sure you can come up with your own... just think of ridiculous, meaningless rituals that we've pulled out of our asses, yet repeat every year without question: gift giving, singing to strangers, mistletoe kisses, Santa Claus (Jesus?). When you go home for the Holidays this year, take a look around you and ponder just what the hell it is that you're really doing for a minute. Most of it won't make much sense...
But there's gotta be a first time for everything, right? And that first time has to be incredibly awkward for everyone involved. These traditions don't just happen overnight people, they take time to catch on.
So I was thinking, would it be possible to start my own holiday tradition? We'll narrow it down to conventional holiday food... let's take Christmas dinner. The typical fare is usually ham or bird or some other sort of holy meat, mashed potatoes, gravy, veggies, some kind of cranberry jello-like thing, maybe yams, (Sidenote: WTF is a yam?), pie for dessert, assorted cookies and candies floating around somewhere in there. Most holi-dinners tend to stick to a menu similar to this, which is typically a good thing. This meal is always bomb-ass, and I look forward to it; no need to make any drastic changes. I mean it's not like the cousins are going to fly in from Tampa for some Papa John's pizza. But is there anything wrong with tampering with the tried-and-true formula just a bit? I'm thinking of adding a new food item to the typical holiday meal; file it under the 'dessert' section: Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you... THE HOLIDAY NUT LOG.
The concept is simple. You know those awesome Salted Nut Roll Candy bar things? Just take that and make it BIGGER. I'm envisioning this HUGE creamy gooey marshmallowy log, drizzled with delicious melted caramel, covered in a ton of crunchy salted peanuts. One gigantic frickin' Nut Roll. Hell yes! I've looked up homemade recipes online for the candy bar-sized Salted Nut Rolls, and it's totally do-able, just multiply the ingredients by 10 and there you go man... a huge Holiday Nut Log!! You can then carve that sucker up into slices and serve to the whole ugly-sweater-wearing congregation at the dinner table.
Okay, making Nut Log should be no trouble at all. Now the hard part... getting this damn Nut Log tradition going. Timing is everything. I mean, do you just keep this Nut Log in the back seat of your car while everyone eats their turkey at Grandma's house? Then when the time comes, do you go run out to the car and grab it, carefully sneak it in through the backdoor, and discretely slide that hog onto the table while your Aunt Linda is cleaning up the dishes? Do you present the Nut Log with some grand display of showmanship? (Sidenote: Do you think it costs much for one of those classy shiny silver rounded lid things with the handle that waiters in movies use to reveal fancy food?) Do you sneak Nut Log in earlier, in hopes that it just blends in with all of the other potluck food items? Do you try to have the Nut Log creator remain anonymous?
I mean, let's face it... 'Nut Log: Year One' is gonna be damn hard. Can't you just see Grandpa's face as this foreign peanut-covered arts and crafts project is unveiled on his table, next to the pie and "traditional" holiday desserts? I mean age-old, rock-solid bullshit traditions are hard to break, or even modify in the slightest. This is going to take some patience and persistence.
You're going to have to be strong. No one at the table was prepared for this. They're going to question your Nut Log, as well as your sanity. Take control of the situation. Lead off with something like, "Well gang, I was thinking we'd shake things up this year, get a lil' crazy...(while playfully grabbing your mom's shoulders and shaking her about) so I made this dessert, it's called a 'Nut Log'. Here Grandma, why don't you go ahead and sit back down, I'll carve everybody a slice."
Do NOT expect this to go smoothly. This will be extremely awkward at best. You will be ridiculed by loved ones. You can bet you will get peculiar looks as everyone bites into their slice of Holiday heaven. Deal with it. It's not like people didn't laugh when Einstein ripped a fart in Physics class. (Sidenote: I don't know what that means.) The unveiling of the Nut Log will be a rough ordeal, but consider the payoff for your sacrifice. Picture the scene ten years down the road: everyone's cleaned their plates; the dirty dishes have been cleared and stacked in the sink; the small-talk has been exhausted. It's then that you notice it... the excited looks around the table, the curious glances towards the kitchen... oh you know it's on! It's Nut Log time!
"I'll get the Holiday Nut Log Knife!" cries your cousin Kenny excitedly.
"Just wouldn't be the Holidays without that Nut Log!" says Aunt Joan.
These are just a few of the things you'll be hearing every Christmas season. "Oh, I just love that Nut Log!" You're goddamn right. It's tradition now, bitches. NUT LOG = THE HOLIDAYS.
Nut Log is just as much a part of stupid tradition as decorating a tree in your living room. Nut Log is a comin' every year, just as Santa Claus or Jesus or whoever the hell is a comin' down your chimney. Nut Log IS Christmas. Nut Log is ribbons and bows and garland and tinsel. Nut Log is eating till you have to loosen your belt. Nut Log is giving your job description to your Aunts at the dinner table for the third time, while hungover. Nut Log is Uncles falling asleep on couches. Nut Log is your little sister playing Jingle Bells on the piano. Nut Log is hours of uncomfortable conversations with that kooky family of yours, when all you really wanna do is take off and do shots of tequila with your hometown friends at the bar.
NUT LOG = THE HOLIDAYS.
So go ahead, make your own Holiday Nut Log. Share the love this year with your family. Take a risk. Should you choose to join me in this endeavor, I can only wish you the best of luck. Let's get this tradition started...
In the immortal words of Mr. Bruce Springsteen,
"I'll wait it out all year, for my baby to come home,
I got one more night of waiting, one more night alone.
Gonna light me up a fire, gonna get warm by the coal,
Gonna share it with my baby, one more piece of that Nut Roll."
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