Movie Review: Down Periscope

And now my review on the movie "Down Periscope", 1996, starring Kelsey Grammer, Rob Schneider.

Let me just tell you that if you haven't seen this movie, you're not missing out on a damn thing. This movie is chock-full of slapstick bullshit, and I am deeply saddened that I lost 93 minutes of my life watching it. I admit, I went into it thinking, "This movie is gonna suck." What I didn't know was that it was gonna suck harder than anything has sucked before. When Rob Schneider acted like a bafoon for the 217th time in the movie, falling off the deck of the boat, I almost lost it. I can't believe such low level comedy would piss me off this much.

One time I left some hamburger helper in tupperware in the back of the fridge and found it a year later, with green fuzzy mold all over it. This movie reminds me of that. Fuck this shit. I feel I should be refunded money for watching it, although I didn't pay a damn thing. My fucking roommate bought the god-forsaken movie. Piss.

The only pleasure I derived from the film (I almost refuse to call it a "film") was I thought I would see Lauren Holly's breasts, which I did not, which pissed me off even more. I even liked 'Frasier', even though it was steaming-hot gay, but Kelsey Grammer was unbelievably horrid in this one. I wonder if there was a part of his contract that said, "Must do one absolutely fucking stupid movie." What a piece of shit. One of my favorite actors, Rip Torn, didn't even have one funny line in the film. I want to give the writers of this movie a wedgie, then stab them in the throat in front of their children. If you like getting pissed off, watch "Down Periscope". Then again, you probably have better shit to do, like folding laundry or watching other movies that don't remind you of America sucking.