Man do I love the internet. Seriously dudes, where else can you go on a Wednesday morning, feeling completely drained and uninspired to make any effort at all today, Google image search 'WTF', and suddenly get completely PUMPED out of yer mind when you see the results??
So when I rolled into work exhausted today, fired up my laptop, and stumbled upon this gem of a pic, I knew I just had to share it with you. I really have nothing to say that can even attempt to explain what is going on in this scene, I'll leave that up to you. But one thing I can tell you... I love that internet. Kudos to you Al Gore. Not only can I now steal music, see naked people constantly, broadcast my random thoughts to a wider audience, and buy crap that I don't need without all that 'leaving the house' bullshit, I can now also get my (um, how to I put this?) alien-milk-rape-scene on!
So a coworker and I were discussing a customer order, via the great innovation that is AOL Instant Messenger. We got a little sidetracked as we discussed the many qualities of this particular customer's name. Needless to say, the client's order never got placed, we lost the account, and I took a $1,800 pay cut. Times are tough, yo. But anyway, it was probably worth it, cause I can now entertain you with the following important conversation regarding this honorable client, RJ Haskil.
SUBMIT YOUR OWN! Give me your best 'RJ' in the comments below, and you'll be entered to win a special prize!!!!
You know what time it is!!! Another WEDNESDAY, and a few more reasons to get PUMPED!!!
Follow me on my journey to gettin' absolutely AMPED!! HUMP DAY PUMP UP ONCE AGAIN PEOPLE!!!* Seriously dudes, I AM FUCKIN' GOIN APESHIT RIGHT NOW.
So I started my Wednesday off with this, just to get the blood flowin' and my mind buzzin'...
Then I thought about lunch, which made me think about grillin' out, which made me think of my meal last weekend, which was this ridiculously awesome Juicy Lucy. (I can feel you starting to get pumped...)
Then I watched the following video and just absolutely started WRECKIN' THE PLACE. I threw my jar of pens off my desk and onto the floor, spin-kicked my boss in the face, and then peed in the ladies bathroom.
My co-workers could do nothing but stare in disbelief.
Whew! After all of that, I started to mellow out a bit, so I went for a walk...
Then I said F THAT MAN, gotta keep my pumped-up levels UP, so I stepped in front of some gamma rays and my skin got all green and my clothes just started a-rippin' off and I was SO PUMPED and my pecks got HUGE and it was great.
Happy Wednesday everyone, GET JACKED!
*also, I should note that the term 'Hump Day Pump Up' was coined by this man. I feel it's only fair to give him props, as he's probably pissed I'm milking his idea for all it's worth.
So Saturday was Record Store Day nationwide, a great opportunity to show support for your local record dealers, pick up some great exclusive vinyl, and, uh... see Chris Cornell interact with a baby???
It's friggin' Wednesday, but for some reason I'm ALL JACKED UP right now. Maybe it's the 32 0z Iced coffee I had at 7am. Maybe it was the awesome dump I had at 7:23am; two words - minimal wiping. Maybe it's the fact that the ever-shitty Monday is fading off into the distance. Whatever the cause, all i know is I'm JACKED today. So get pumped, people! Do whatever you have to do to get really, REALLY fuckin' jazzed about your day!! LET'S GO. C'mon, look...you have all your fingers. Your car is running. You're not 67. You live in America (sorry Cody). You probably have 89 cents lying around, so you can probably eat at Taco Bell. You have hair. You have the luxury of spare time on your hands, cause you're obviously reading this. Stop complaining. Get hyped!!!
I'm no motivational speaker, but I will do everything in my part to get you psyched about today. We've never been more closer to Friday, ever!!* It's fuckin' Hump Day Pump Up! The sun is out! Air drum in the car! Go Nuts! Have a margarita on your lunch break today, yer boss will never know! Type words mid-sentence in ALL CAPS. Pull a shot in the parking lot before straightening your tie and entering that dead end job. Take a shit on the clock, and SAVOR it. Have an energy drink ("but I'm watching my figure, and those things are full of sugar and taste bad and..." SCREW IT. Just have one. Or a 5 hour energy. Just DO IT, even if you crash by noon). Eat someone else's food in the company fridge!
Just fuckin' GO FOR IT today, man!! Save the frowning and self-pity for Thursday, worry about your bills tomorrow, whatever ya gotta do, just get AMPED today! Here, watch this video...
NOW TAKE A LOOK AT HOW AWESOME YER LIFE IS TODAY (OR JUST LIE TO YOURSELF FOR NOW) AND ENJOY, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! (Sorry, that was a bit much.)
I don't feel like contributing much today, so real quick, find the Easter Egg in the photo in the last post 'A Tough Day at Work'. The Easter Egg = Bono, of U2 fame.
So a lot of you have written in to Pudding Bath wondering what exactly it is I do at my job all day. Now this is a very interesting question, and the answer is so complex it would probably take me a few months to actually type out and explain, and I still don't think the message would be conveyed. To sum it up, let's just say that my job involves a lot of intense business meetings, negotiations with company execs, fancy lunches and schmoozing with the world's business elite, lighting cigars with 100 dollar bills, NASDAQ, documents, fax machines, outsourcing, insourcing, and using the internet to buy and sell third world countries. Like I said, it's hard to explain a typical day on the job. Sometimes pictures are just better than words...
Random thought of the day: In horror films, why is it that the haunted house always turns out to be built on an old Indian burial ground? I mean, how many times have we seen it happen in films where nice family of 4 moves into slightly creepy older home (but hey, "Times are tough, and we got such a good deal on this place, honey! And what about that view?") only to be terrorized by ghouls and basements full of blood and undead pets and tequila worms and shit. It makes great horror movie fodder, but why always an Indian burial ground? I mean, why not a Jewish burial ground? Or a Dutch burial ground? You'd think an old war-memorial burial ground would have more angry ghost folks.
These damn dead Indians are always gettin' us into trouble in the movies, and I think our Native American brethren are getting a bad rap for it. What if your entire culture where undeservedly blamed for the terrorizing of ill-advised home buyers everywhere? I think we can all agree to a universal solution that will end this appalling discrimination and injustice against all Native Americans, as stereotyped in our modern-day horror cinema: Indians can't bury their dead anymore. You've got other options, Indian dudes... look into cremation. Or burial at sea. Wait, no, then we'd just have cursed pirate ships and more bad movies based on sea-hauntings and crap. Whatever, do what you'd like, just don't bury those fuckers.
Until this proposed bill to ban Indian burial is passed into law, just be extra careful when home shopping. You don't know where that ground under the house has been.
And now my review on the movie "Down Periscope", 1996, starring Kelsey Grammer, Rob Schneider.
Let me just tell you that if you haven't seen this movie, you're not missing out on a damn thing. This movie is chock-full of slapstick bullshit, and I am deeply saddened that I lost 93 minutes of my life watching it. I admit, I went into it thinking, "This movie is gonna suck." What I didn't know was that it was gonna suck harder than anything has sucked before. When Rob Schneider acted like a bafoon for the 217th time in the movie, falling off the deck of the boat, I almost lost it. I can't believe such low level comedy would piss me off this much.
One time I left some hamburger helper in tupperware in the back of the fridge and found it a year later, with green fuzzy mold all over it. This movie reminds me of that. Fuck this shit. I feel I should be refunded money for watching it, although I didn't pay a damn thing. My fucking roommate bought the god-forsaken movie. Piss.
The only pleasure I derived from the film (I almost refuse to call it a "film") was I thought I would see Lauren Holly's breasts, which I did not, which pissed me off even more. I even liked 'Frasier', even though it was steaming-hot gay, but Kelsey Grammer was unbelievably horrid in this one. I wonder if there was a part of his contract that said, "Must do one absolutely fucking stupid movie." What a piece of shit. One of my favorite actors, Rip Torn, didn't even have one funny line in the film. I want to give the writers of this movie a wedgie, then stab them in the throat in front of their children. If you like getting pissed off, watch "Down Periscope". Then again, you probably have better shit to do, like folding laundry or watching other movies that don't remind you of America sucking.
