HUMP DAY PUMP UP - PUMP DOWN.

Oh dudes, this is a major bummer, but I am so UN-PUMPED today, it hurts. Seriously. My PUMP levels are dangerously low. I'm thinking about canceling HUMP DAY PUMP UP altogether today, that's how bad it is. PUMP DOWN!!!

You see, I never go out on weeknights anymore, cause I just can't hang with the youngsters like I used to, but for some god awful reason I thought a "Tuesday Night Fun Fest" was in order. Great time last night, extreme fun was had, but my oh my, I'm paying for it today in the form of a NEGA-PUMP. I'm doing my best to get out of the PUMP PIT, but nothing seems to be doin' the trick...


I tried listening to pumpy music... didn't work.














I tried drinking a 16oz pumpy energy drink... didn't work.













I tried getting positive encouragement from a coworker... didn't work. Major fail.































Even my typical Google image search pictures are lamer than usual today. Sad clown.














So you see my dear friends, I am in serious need of a PUMP INTERVENTION. And I think my only hope is from supporters of HUMP DAY PUMP UP. Please do your part today by donating $10 to the PUMP FUND by texting the word "PUMP" to 90999 I'm totally messing with you don't text I just made it up it's not real you're wasting a text message put down your phone I'm just fucking with you don't be an idiot there is no PUMP FUND (yet) and I'm just going to blow your money on booze and McDonalds don't do it.


But seriously, what you CAN do to help is to take your best shot at PUMPING ME UP. Submit your very own HUMP DAY PUMP UP entry in the comments section below. DO IT. It can be anything - a funny anecdote, a short story of something funny that happened to you at work, a link to a picture of James Brown doing the splits while pissing himself, it doesn't matter! Just let me know WHAT'S PUMPING YOU UP.

Don't worry about grammar or even making sense at all, just do your best to get me pumped. You can keep it totally anonymous (that means YOU, pervert!) so you can post anything you want. Ok, hows about this?? The person to get me THE MOST PUMPED will win a special treat. AND YOU KNOW I DON'T MESS AROUND WHEN IT COMES TO TREATS.

Submit your comment below.

LET THE PUMP-OFF BEGIN.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - McPUMP!!!

WHOA DUDES.

I was kinda thinkin' I wouldn't post a HUMP DAY PUMP UP today, cause you know, I get lazy, aight?? I was about 1 lame-ass turkey sandwich for lunch away from NOT posting the PUMP when I realized how shitty my lunch was. That is, how shitty my lunch was COMPARED TO THE MOST GLORIOUS LUNCH OF ALL TIME. More on that in a bit.


Yo, first dig this. The very first thing I do today is check the OTHER SOURCE OF HUMP DAY PUMP UP, my buddies' blog. Not only did it get me JACKED, it made me think that we were actually separated at birth. Like, Siamese twins style. Even though we were detached at the weiner, and he was given the "short end of the stick", he is still an amazing human. I still can't believe how we freakishly think the same things at the same freegin' times. Here's an excerpt from his post today, in case you lazy bastards don't click the link above (you really should):

"Out of the corner of my eye, something catches me, it's a MCDONALDS... I got like 8 breakfast sandwiches, like 12 hash browns, and lol I actually got 4 coffees...
As much as I hate to admit it, all that shitty horrible food PUMPED ME UP. "


Back to what I was originally sayin', about the MOST GLORIOUS LUNCH OF ALL TIME, well, it directly relates to his tale of unfulfilled appetite for shitty food. You see, yesterday I had "THE HUNGER". That deep feeling in the pit of yer stomach, where not just any shitty turkey sandwich lunch will suffice. I needed something EPIC. After rounding up a few coworkers, we declared a field trip the local McDonalds establishment to pretty much scour their menu for, well... EVERYTHING. "The Hunger" didn't stand a chance.


Just look at us as we heave BAGS AND BAGS of delicious MickyD's back to the office....
























Upon arriving back, we spread our food treasures across the company kitchen table. It was a McMOUNTAIN of wonderful food. I mean, just LOOK at that spread (below)! We were swimmin' in a sea of Angus burgers, golden delicious fries, McDoubles, McChickens, McPies, McWraps, McAWESOMENESS!!!! It was absolutely beautiful. As a tear came to my eye, I actually considered not eating, as it would be hard to ruin such an exquisite display. I just wanted to stare into the abyss of fried foods for all of eternity. Of course I regained my wits, and THE FEAST BEGAN.

























And believe you me, we FEASTED LIKE KINGS (and one Queen, lol). Our entire office just REEKED WITH GREATNESS. I've never consumed so much McDonalds in one sitting in my entire life*. My coworkers and I even considered creating a sign-up sheet for time-slots to use the bathrooms haha. It hurt so good.

*this may or may not be true.


























Thank you Ronald, thank you.
























So today friends, as you stare into the menu of life, do not ponder WHAT to get, but HOW MUCH YOU CAN GET. And if you're truly livin' the PUMPED LIFE, you'll GET IT ALL. Push the limits today, grab life by the McBallsack, and go for it. I'm Lovin' It.

HAPPY PUMPIN' TO ONE AND ALL!!!

The Sandwich Decision.

So I walk into Subway, and I've got THE HUNGER, yo. Of course I decide to rock a $5 footlong, but which one?? Such a dilemma. I decide I've been on a Spicy Italian hiatus, so I order that. The "sandwich artist" slaps the meat on the Monterrey cheddar bread, then slides that hog down to what I like to call the "Fixins Zone". Just as he starts gently applying the shards of lettuce to the sambo, I look up and see the bright sign that reads "New! $5 Footlong - Steak and Cheese!".

You've gotta be fisting me. Un-fuggin-believable. NOBODY FREEGIN' TOLD ME THE GREATEST SUBWAY SANDWICH OF ALL TIME IS ONLY FIVE DOLLARS. WTF. What a punch to the cock. Those things are usually like 9 bucks. I'm almost in tears. The agony.

"You want tomatoes or pickle??" the Mexican sandwich-craftsmen asks. I regain consciousness, having just been floored by my poor decision in footlong choice.

"I.. uh, yeah... NO, WAIT." I reconsider everything in life at that moment. "No. No lettuce. Can you actually take the lettuce off of there?" I ask.

"You no want lettuce? Ok." says Julio the Sandwich Artist (I guessed on the name) as he scraps the lettuce off my Spicy Italian and back into the lettuce bin.

Then I stammer, "Uh, can I actually, uh... not get the Spicy Italian?"

Julio gives me a quizzical look. "No Spicy?"

"Yeah, I kinda, um, changed my mind. I didn't know the steak and cheese was $5... can I get that instead??"

Julio, the Picasso of Sandwiches that he is, gives it a moment to think about it. He stares long and deep into my eyes, probably determining in his mind that I'm just some sort of novice, inexperienced sandwich orderer. He then looks around and realizes its a slow night, and no one really gives a damn. He tosses the slab of salami and whatever other meat is in the Spicy Italian back into the meat bin, then warms up a glorious Steak and Cheese sub for me.
















"Ah, crisis averted," I think to myself as I pay for my footlong at the register. I go home completely satisfied with the tastiest Subway sub of all time, and with only $5.49 less than when I walked into said Subway. Well worth it. Life is good. All is right in the world. And to all a good night.


This story would be all well and fine if it were true. It is not. In actuality, I fucked up and really did order a Spicy Italian. I really did see the Steak and Cheese sign as it was too late, the lettuce had already been applied over the salami and whatever else meat is on it. The Sandwich Artist really was Mexican, that part was true. The real story ends as I go home completely dejected, eating what I consider a mediocre sub that pales in comparison to the warm deliciousness of the Steak and Cheese.

Nothing stings more than the pain of a mis-ordered dinner. You work hard all day, just to get the small satisfaction of combating that deep hunger growing in the pit of your belly with a solid decision in cuisine. I failed. Miserably. My sandwich could have been so much meatier.

But the pain doesn't stop there. Today they tell me that ANY GODDAMN FOOTLONG is 5 bucks now, during the Olympics. It's like God is kicking me in the groin for a second time. Horse shit. "But you could just go and get a $5 Steak and Cheese today," my friends tell me. WRONG. BULLSHIT. THAT'S NOT THE POINT. I don't think they understand that for one fleeting moment, a miracle occurred - the heavens opened up, the sacred steak sandwich was special, it was a rare chance of a lifetime to get it for only $5 during that instant. And I made the mistake of not ordering it. I'll never get that sandwich moment back, I have to live with it for the rest of my days. I have few regrets, but I'll always remember that night, where I clumsily made the worst decision of my life.




















So you see, life is like a sandwich my friends, you have a choice between Ah fuckit, there's no moral to this goddamn story, I'm just pissed off. Happy Friday.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - BEARDS!!!

Yes indeedy, Wednesday is here, let's get PUMPED!

Alright dudes, I love camping. And usually when I go camping, I'm feelin' all manly and shit, generally less clean, wearing my comfy camp clothes, and FERK NO I'm not going to shave! Camping and shaving don't mix, fools. The only problem is, I can't grow a beard for shit.

Seriously, I don't get my friends who walk around with freegin' wolverines on their faces, all thick and bushy and crap. I don't have beard-envy or anything... actually I don't even know what I'm talking about here, but it's 10:50am and I haven't started the HUMP DAY PUMP UP and I'm kinda struggling for an intro to today's pump. In all honesty I just wanted to show you guys some pictures of funny beards, I didn't want to have to think or anything today. So let's just skip right ahead to the good stuff.

Enjoy these Masters of Man-hair, these Champions of the Chin, these Freaks of the Facial Follicles!!! PUMP!





















Let's start things off with this guy. He's got the rolls going, very Slinky-esque. For some really weird reason his beard makes me hungry. I'm not even going to try to explain that, but I'm thinking about cookies right now, I dunno. I'll give this beard a 7.




















What a pussy, could have gone for the 'Octo-Beard', but nooooo! This guy is amateur at best. 4 on the Beard Scale.























Ah yes, ICE BEARD! A highly creative style, often involving just the right temperatures and conditions for this rare beard to appear. Not many are lucky enough to spot this true beard treasure. I'm gonna go with an 8.5.

























This is a pic of my uncle Roy, he's an asshole. I'm not sure why I included it on here. Uncle Roy is English, doesn't believe in modern hygiene, and is generally terrifying. I award you no beard points Uncle Roy, see you at Christmas.




















Oh, what a treat we have here. This guy has a windmill in his beard. Again, this guy has a windmill in his beard. This is on an entirely different level of crazy. Can you imagine this guy ordering a Grand Slam from Denny's, or some equally-as-awkward situation??? I give it a 9.




AND LAST BUT FINALLY NOT LEAST MY FRIENDS....

CHECK THIS SHIT OUT. I'M TELLING YOU. THE PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WATCH MY VIDEOS I POST HERE IS SITTIN' AT ABOUT 37%, I UNDERSTAND THAT, BUT JUST CLICK THE LITTLE 'PLAY' BUTTON BELOW. IF YOU DO, I PROMISE YOU THE GREATEST BEARD OF ALL TIME. SERIOUSLY. A TEN. A PERFECT TEN. WATCH IT!!!





P-P-PUMPITY PUMP PUMP PUMP!!!!!

NOW IF THAT DIDN'T GET YOU JACKED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL. Life is too short to not design your facial hair. Go out there an LIVE today, my friends. Hopefully this will boost yer pump levels. HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!

Inside Joke.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - Awkward Family Photos

Welcome once again to another glorious Wednesday!! Since you've made it this far, you may as well get PUMPED the eff right UP!!! I don't know about you, but my friends really get me PUMPED. I'm sure you can say the same, right? But ya know what PUMPS ME UP even more than friends?!? No, besides food. And sleeping. You got it... FAMILY.

What's gettin' my PUMP LEVELS UP today?!? Well I'll tell ya - GODDAMN AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS!


True, I stole these from another site on the interwebz, but whatev, I'm sure you don't mind. Alright, peruse through these classic photographic gems, slam a 5-Hour energy, punch a coworker in the face, and GET PUMPED!!!























This was taken in my home town.

























"What's on your mind Brad?"
"Oh, just myself. With my clarinet."



























Awesome. Just, awesome.


























As easy as it would be to insert a joke here about how Debbie fell asleep in the tanning bed again, I'm going to go ahead and note that Ricky's shirt says, "I (heart) Balls."





















Unfortunately Grandma Swine Flu had to stay inside for this one.




















Where's Donnie???


























The photographer wanted little Jennifer to naturally lean against some sort of prop, but they were all out of anything that wasn't a trash can.

























Oh, the horror.


























I think this one really captures the warm, smothering feeling of a Father's love.





















Kudos to the shutterbug who captured this magnificent moment of a kid eating it, hard.

























LOL, these lesbians have nothing to hide. Well, except their love.
























Ah yes, the classic "C'mon, dad, please don't freak out again!!" look in her eyes.


























And last but certainly not least... The All-American family, including Grandpa, who always considered pants optional. The kettleballs add a nice touch as well.




HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP TO ALL!!!
Stay Pumped.