Monday, March 22, 2010



Today: Dogs.

First of all, my friend ate a dog. Check it out here.

Second, I just quickly wanted to touch on an issue of great importance to me. Many of you are familiar with the comedy classic 'Billy Madison'. Of course you are. There are countless moments of hilarity and gut-busting LOLs sprinkled throughout that film, however there is one moment that I feel has not justly received the appreciation it deserves. No, it's not the drunk by the pool banter, or 'boys night out' feces gathering scene, or any scene involving the words 'boob', or 'snack pack' or 'Chlorophyll'. The best moment to really stir up some laughs is only a few seconds long, but in my humble opinion (I could have abbreviated that, right? Hrm) it is THE FUNNIEST SCENE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE. I may be alone on this one, but whatev. It totally PUMPS ME UP. Check it out below.

I dunno what it is about it, but it just tickles my funny bone, ya dig? Anyway, since like 6th grade, whenever the occasion comes up where I get to say, "Speak for yourself, moron" I always do it in a gruff doggie voice ala the vid above.

Third - I was going to post a Snoop Dogg video to increase the pump levels, or post some other Snoop-related somethin or other, but I just couldn't find anything pumpy enough that might generate some LOLs. Well, I guess I did find this pic of Snoop wearing an over-sized handkerchief, which is pretty ridiculous, but if you're looking for something more than that, well, uh... just YouTube 'Snoop Dogg stoned' or 'Snoop Dogg talking like idiot' or something, I dunno. For the time being, just imagine blowing yer nose on a rapper's outfit.

BREAKING NEWS: Kelly Osbourne fractures her elbow breaking up a dog fight

Wait wait, okay. First of all, I don't care. Second of all, wasn't she that chubby daughter of Ozzy? Where'd the chubness go? Third, I don't care. Dogs = 1. Lipo'd Ozzy baby = 0.

More dog stuff... umm.. OH! I used to work with this woman, and she would always bring her dog into work (our old office allowed dogs lol). This lady would sometimes dress her dog up in little outfits and shit, it was ridiculous.

There's not many people that I hate in this world, but these doggie fashion bastards, ugh. They've got to go. It boggles my mind to think about the free time/mental energy these people waste to dress up their dogs as if they were miniature retarded humans with fur. Collars, okay, I can see that, unless it's covered in spikes or something, but actual clothes? Man, that really just trips my trigger.
"NO ma'am, your dog's Minnesota Vikings jersey is not cute. NO i don't think it's funny that your dog wore a Christmas sweater to the party. NO i will not take a picture of your wiener dog dressed as a wiener, and NO i will not take a picture of my wiener." Jeezus, these dog-dressing people are just getting out of hand. I guess the only thing possibly worse would be dogs dressing their owners. Or owners dressing like dogs. Woof.


Ok, back to the PUMP UP. It's like a million people's birthdays this weekend, so there will be plenty of PUMPAGE to spread around! I would love to buy all of my good friends dogs for their birthdays in honor of this special HUMP DAY PUMP UP DOG EDITION occasion, but of course that's just ridiculously unreasonable. So I thought of some other ways I could recreate the
essence of owning a dog for them:

-Sneak into friend's yard at night. Take a dump in yard.

-Sneak into friend's newly carpeted living room. Take a piss on carpet.

-Find friend who is currently a student, with homework due. Eat homework.

-Find friend who is hot. Lick face of hot friend.

-Find friend who is best friend. Tell that friend I am their best friend. (Note: Friend must be a man.)

See where I'm goin' with that one? Like, dog stuff? Eh, er, yeah.

And finally, to bring this glorious HDPU (doggystyle) to a close, I give you... DOG HUMPS LADY VIDEO. Check out this lady gettin' OWNED by this horny dog. That mutt is really just PUMPIN' on that bitch, arf!

Ok dog-lovers, stay jacked today, be kind to your animals, get pumped, keep on pumpin', and stay pumped! Uh, unleash the pump? Bark at the moon? They say let sleeping dogs lie, but not today. Eff that, wake those fuckers up and tell them to start partying.

It's a dog eat dog world out there people, so uh... eat other dogs, if that's what you're into, and if that's what keeps you pumped!


Brothers said...

I like the theme you rolled with today. Also, I am glad you got this up while it was still in the middle of the day. I think you need to blog harder and earlier in the future though. Blogging is your job, never forget that!

Also, you would be doing a public service by posting your blog update early. I'll be honest, I am kind of a pumpy guy. When the alarm goes off Wednesday morning that is usually the lowest my pump levels will ever get for the rest of the week. Start the coffee, shower, etc. etc. HOWEVER, there are some days where I get stuck in a rut and I just cant seem to find my pump-groove. That is exactly when I need some PBath to get me going. I had a close call a few weeks ago when I checked the 'bath and saw no updates at 2:00 PM.

Dus, it's almost too late by 2:00! You usually only have a few hours to get out of your pump-rut before your pump levels can not recover for the rest of the day until you leave work.

Hear me? Just some friendly advice.

Good work.

Dus said...

Wow, excellent observations my friend, I appreciate the advice, and i will take it to heart! Usually I get the pump up at about nooner to 2pm, I understand thats a bit late and you need to start your day on the right foot - This is typically because i am scrambling to shove as much useless shit into the blog Wednesday morning at work that i can. If i were to organize just a tad bit better, I'd have this pump off and ready to go by 6 or 7am every midweek.

I accept my failure to you early morning pumpers, and I will strive to get the pump out fresh in the AM, as to better facilitate your needs and help create a more KICK ASS WEDNESDAY!!!

Thanks for your support!

amandapants said...

That video is down right hilarious ... saw it on AFV & died laughing then too. It's my bday today so I appreciate the PUMP!

heck yeah, man said...

i lost it when the dog started doggie-fudgepacking that old lady omg