Bathroom Pen

So at work, i'm always running out of pens (i know, i know. you're thinking "Out of pens? how lame is this post gonna be?" just keep reading ya schmucks). I have one of those jars on my desk that always has an abundance of assorted writing utensils, magic markers, pencils, etc... but no pens. I don't know where they always disappear to... wait, I take that back. You see, I have (had) this one particular pen from this record store, and i KNOW nobody else in the office has this pen, cause i KNOW nobody else knows shit for music in my office, much less places to shop for music. They wouldn't know a record store if it bit them in the ass (note to self - future blog post: inanimate structures coming to life and biting people's asses.)

So a few weeks ago i'm strolling around the office and i look over at a coworkers' desk, which is relatively close to my desk, and what do i see??? My friggin' record store pen! That bastard! What a fuckin' prick. He has no excuse, he's a bastard pen-stealer. Actually, the guy is like super nice and sincere and would be sweet in front of your parents and whatever, but when it comes to obtaining his writing utensils, he's a dick. Sorry, i got sidetracked, but anyway...um, what the fuck was i sayin? oh yeah, uh... I lose pens.

Fast forward to today... i go to the employee bathroom to take care of business (Number 1, in case you were asking). Now this water closet (that's what i call bathrooms these days) isn't horrible, but it always has this weird funk about it, not as if someone had just finished up a jam session of explosive diarrhea, but as if someone had had explosive diarrhea about 2 hours previously, and the must was still lingering around. Not so horrible, but bad enough. Anyway, i finish up my bizness, i'm washing my hands, and i look up and see this pen just chillin' on top of the paper towel dispenser.

My thought process upon seeing this pen, in exact order:

1. "Fuck yeah! Free pen! I'm always losing pens! Bonus!"

2. "Does this pen belong to anyone?"

3. "Who brings a pen into the b-room? Crossword puzzle dump?"

4. "Oh crap, people crap in here. Do people wash their hands? What if the pen-owner took a massive shit while doing a crossword puzzle, then put the pen in their mouth (gross) while wiping, then got some of the dump on their hand (super gross), then removed pen from mouth, got some shits on the pen (mega super gross to the max), went to wash hands, set pen on paper towel dispenser, then sneezed on the pen, then left the pen behind in the bathroom for me to find?"

5. "What if i take the pen, but wash it? Then it's cool, right?"

6. "What if i take the pen, forget to wash it, get distracted while on the phone or something, and put the pen in my mouth? As in, nervous habit pen sucking? As in, SOMEONE'S POOP IN MY MOUTH."

7 Final Thought: "Whatever. Free pen."