So have you noticed all the goddamn robots everywhere? I mean, it's getting pretty out of hand. They're freakin' all over the place. Oh, hey hot girl in the cereal isle at Target, talking to me about CSI: Miami. No, I've never watched the show, but I'd... oh, fuck. You're not talking to me at all, you're talking to your mother on your goddamn cyborg Bluetooth headset thingy hidden in your ear. Cyborg! Dammit. Hey dude at the checkout counter, thanks for bagging my stuff, have a nice day! (says me with a smile)... NO reaction. Robot. It's gotten to the point now where I can't even distinguish the real homeless, batshit-crazy bums who talk to themselves from the cyborg Bluetooth bums who talk to themselves. It's getting confusing. The robots are evolving and learning new tricks, too. It's becoming harder and harder to tell just who's a good ol' flesh and blood dude, and who's a power-hungry angry fucking robot. For all of you humans still out there, I thought I'd create a handy lil' guide to help you spot the metal ones. I present to you, HOW TO RECOGNIZE THOSE GODDAMN ROBOTS.HOW TO RECOGNIZE THOSE GODDAMN ROBOTS (Pt. 1)
- If you have a beard, you're not a robot.
- Robots hate Halloween. It disorients them.
- Robots don't hiccup.
- You know those girls who always have the camera out at parties? The same type who upload 50 pictures a day on Facebook? Seems like they really wanna document as much human activity as they can. Guess what? They're a fuckin' robot.
- Wisconsin people = Not Robots.
- I don't know whether or not Oprah is a robot, but if she is, we're fucked.
- Check in their mouths... braces? Robot.
- Robots that sit next to me at work pretend to like shitty jam band music like Umphrey's McGee, but there's no way any human could stand listening to that crap.
- New Yorkers = Mean Robots.
- If someone has many piercings, the likelihood that they are robotic is increased. Robots love metal. If said "person" listens to metal music, another sign right there. Also watch for fake arm tattoos on this kind. The rebel type. Robo-rebels. They're tricky fuckers, and they'll do anything to blend in with society by "not blending in".
- Nicole Kidman is a robot. Victoria Beckham is a robot. Tom Cruise is a robot. More specific model: Gaybot.
- People who pronounce "Caramel" all douchebaggy-like are robots. You know what I'm talkin' bout. "Care-a-mel." Fuck you. CARMEL. It's pronounced "CAR-MEL". (On a side note, people who actually eat the caramel part of the three-flavored popcorn tin at Christmas are robots. Cheese and regular, son!)
- In restaurants, you'll see a table of three people, all with their cell phones out, texting away. Robots. Oh, and guess who they're texting? Each other. And they're probably talking about what food they will order and pretend to eat to look more human.
- People who leave their Christmas lights out for half a damn year are robots. Shrouding your house in electrics is a dead giveaway for robotism.
- If you ask someone what their favorite number is, and they say 1 or 0, they are a robot.
- Someday someone somewhere will invent the FuckBot. It's a robot you can fuck. I'm all aboard with this idea, but just be careful and don't let the FuckBot kill you or implant anything into your brain.
If you or any other human you know would like to join me in the anti-robot movement, please leave a comment. We shall organize and form... THE HUMAN LEAGUE. (Also, I know that The Human League was a mildly gay synth pop band in the 80's, but I think that can only help our cause.) Let's fight these goddamn metal bastards!
4 comments:
I laughed so hard after the WI part. Sooo hard. Oh man. Well I guess you know my answer. ps we need to talk about winter camping-- get all prepared and whatnot ya know
I have so much to say about this - seriously. We need to talk tomorrow. I'm joining your alliance.
Now that half of aBt is defined as a robot I feel the need for the human league more!
i'm just going to start talking back to people who wear bluetooth devices. pretend i can't see the weird plastic sprouting from their head and just start up a conversation.
on another note regarding cell phones: there is a woman who works in my building, on the opposite side of the floor my office is on. she makes a point to walk all the way over to the far bathroom by our offices to use the comode each and every day. why would she do that? you ask. well, her bowel movements are so atrociously stinky that she obviously wouldn't be able to show her face on her side of the 6th floor if anyone were to find out who was making the entire hallway smell so bad. as it is, i actually have to use that bathroom and can now identify this woman by her smell. and i'm not the only one! BUT to make matters worse: while she is passing the foulest gas you could possibly imagine, she is also talking on her cell phone the entire time. she'll sit there while 3-4 people from our office use the restroom, just chatting away.
to sum, she is not a robot, because their self-cleaning functions would never permit such an atrocity, but if we could find a robot to take her out...
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