HUMP DAY PUMP DOWN - E.T.

I had that E.T. dream again.

Let me explain something to you. I hate E.T.

Seriously, that shit is terrifying. I remember as a small child the first time I watched E.T. I made it 5 minutes into the movie, then ran to my room scared as hell, crying. I didn't even see the goddamn alien yet, just creepy shadows of an alien running through the woods, and that was enough for me. When I finally mustered the courage to see the entire movie, I was truly scarred for life.

I started having this reoccurring dream where E.T. crawls into my window. I try to fend him (did E.T. have a gender?) off by swinging a plastic Fisher Price golf club at him, but this just splits his belly open, spilling dozens of smaller E.T.'s onto my bedroom floor. There I am, whackin' away at these tiny E.T.'s crawlin' around. Truly terrifying. When I was younger, I'd have this dream quite often. To make matters worse, my Uncle got me a small E.T. toy one Christmas...exactly the size of those mini-E.T.'s in my nightmare. That didn't help.

What IS it that creeps me out so much? Is it those long, sausage-like fingers? Those big, bulging eyes? The freaky glowing heart/finger thing? How about when E.T. is all sick and white and bloated, laying down by the river in the woods with coons eatin' off of him? Or that scene in the closet with E.T.'s giant demon head amidst all the stuffed animals? FUCK THAT.

I have no idea why that movie wasn't rated R. Seriously, NOT for kids. And the more I look around on the interwebz, the more freaky E.T. shit I find. I mean, seriously, c'mon! All this crap has just rekindled that old terror in my heart for Steven Spielberg's monstrous creation. I now present to you:

THE 3 CREEPIEST E.T. THINGS IN THE WORLD, EVER.

NUMBER 3: E.T. AND JACKO.

Here's an idea - let's put together the two things that will produce the most nightmares in children. Goddamn.

NUMBER 2: E.T. - THE HORROR MOVIE TRAILER.

Ever wonder what would have happened if the movie E.T. really was marketed as a horror film? I mean, the movie is scary enough already, but shit, WATCH THIS TRAILER, in yer house, at night, with the lights off, alone. Yikes. SERIOUSLY, WATCH IT! Very haunting indeed.

NUMBER 1: E.T. - THE PORNO.

Alright, that last video was pretty chilling, but this next one is just flat out disturbing. Why does E.T. have to go around, ruining the things I love? In this one, an E.T.-ish alien is, um, taken advantage of. This is a 9 on the weird scale, holy shit. WATCH IT NOW. I MEAN IT. YOU DIDN'T WATCH IT YET. WATCH IT. NOT ASKING, I'M TELLING YOU. ENJOY THE NIGHTMARES.

So today, a big "fuck you" goes out to The Extra Terrestrial, for sucking the PUMP right out of the room. You are horrifyingly scary, and I truly hate you. PUMP DOWN.