HUMP DAY PUMP DOWN - E.T.

I had that E.T. dream again.

Let me explain something to you. I hate E.T.

Seriously, that shit is terrifying. I remember as a small child the first time I watched E.T. I made it 5 minutes into the movie, then ran to my room scared as hell, crying. I didn't even see the goddamn alien yet, just creepy shadows of an alien running through the woods, and that was enough for me. When I finally mustered the courage to see the entire movie, I was truly scarred for life.

I started having this reoccurring dream where E.T. crawls into my window. I try to fend him (did E.T. have a gender?) off by swinging a plastic Fisher Price golf club at him, but this just splits his belly open, spilling dozens of smaller E.T.'s onto my bedroom floor. There I am, whackin' away at these tiny E.T.'s crawlin' around. Truly terrifying. When I was younger, I'd have this dream quite often. To make matters worse, my Uncle got me a small E.T. toy one Christmas...exactly the size of those mini-E.T.'s in my nightmare. That didn't help.

What IS it that creeps me out so much? Is it those long, sausage-like fingers? Those big, bulging eyes? The freaky glowing heart/finger thing? How about when E.T. is all sick and white and bloated, laying down by the river in the woods with coons eatin' off of him? Or that scene in the closet with E.T.'s giant demon head amidst all the stuffed animals? FUCK THAT.

I have no idea why that movie wasn't rated R. Seriously, NOT for kids. And the more I look around on the interwebz, the more freaky E.T. shit I find. I mean, seriously, c'mon! All this crap has just rekindled that old terror in my heart for Steven Spielberg's monstrous creation. I now present to you:

THE 3 CREEPIEST E.T. THINGS IN THE WORLD, EVER.

NUMBER 3: E.T. AND JACKO.

Here's an idea - let's put together the two things that will produce the most nightmares in children. Goddamn.

NUMBER 2: E.T. - THE HORROR MOVIE TRAILER.

Ever wonder what would have happened if the movie E.T. really was marketed as a horror film? I mean, the movie is scary enough already, but shit, WATCH THIS TRAILER, in yer house, at night, with the lights off, alone. Yikes. SERIOUSLY, WATCH IT! Very haunting indeed.

NUMBER 1: E.T. - THE PORNO.

Alright, that last video was pretty chilling, but this next one is just flat out disturbing. Why does E.T. have to go around, ruining the things I love? In this one, an E.T.-ish alien is, um, taken advantage of. This is a 9 on the weird scale, holy shit. WATCH IT NOW. I MEAN IT. YOU DIDN'T WATCH IT YET. WATCH IT. NOT ASKING, I'M TELLING YOU. ENJOY THE NIGHTMARES.

So today, a big "fuck you" goes out to The Extra Terrestrial, for sucking the PUMP right out of the room. You are horrifyingly scary, and I truly hate you. PUMP DOWN.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - THE RETURN!!!

AAAAAGGHHHHH!!!!! kadfljajd;lnvqnadnkfhadsjfkldjsa;jklasfv;mwqndv;nds!!!!!

I'll explain.

So it's been a busy few weeks, sorry I haven't been the source of much PUMPAGE lately, but believe me, I've been off on some extreme PUMP JOURNEYS, all in the name of the BEST SUMMER, EVER.

There's a lot to share, I guess I'll just get into it! This HDPU was a lil' rushed, I'm still recovering from many pumpy happenings, but better to PUMP than to have NEVER PUMPED AT ALL. First off, let's set the tone with a lil' tunage. This goddamn video pumps me up SO HARD, I'm gettin' a largey just watchin' it.

Ok, so, CONGRATULATIONS are in order, my buddy HECKYEAHMAN just got hitched!!! I went with my bro Colin on a super long/fun roadtrip down to Gainesville, FL to witness the blessed event and to stand in the wedding. It was an awesome time, and you BETTER BELIEVE WE SPREAD THE GODDAMN PUMP to those Floridians! Hotels Parties. Whiskey. Energy Drinks/caffeine pills. Dance Parties. 95 degress. Suits/Dresses. Marriage. Metal. Eating lizards. AWESOMENESS!!!

(that's just a pic i stole from Google, but believe me, lizards were ate! Eaten? PUMP)

Ok, and since we're pumping some real-world, grown up shit, dig this...

MY SISTER HAD A BABY!!!! Welcome Seth Timothy Richardson to the world. You've got a life full of PUMP ahead of you, son...

The lil' guy is so cute! Cuteness PUMPS ME UP!!!

Ok ok okay, you want something even more PUMPY??!?! Well, laughter pumps me up. I dare you to watch this video and not laugh. Also, on a related note, I hate all auto-tuned-poppy-hip-hop-skibbity-doo-wop-rap-crap-Top 40-fake-ass-bullshit music. Just for the record. Ok enjoy!

Ok, I really gotta run. Sorry if you think this HDPU was phoned-in, I'll try harder, I promise! More to come soon. Spread that pump, find the pump within yer own heart, um... (insert other pump comment that encourages you to find your own pump, cause I'm too lazy to pump for you...)

Oh, one more thing before we go... Here is your BONER-INDUCING BACON IMAGE OF THE DAY!!! KEEP ER PUMPY!!!!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP! - SPECIAL GUEST PUMP!

Holy shit I'm gonna start today's PUMP by saying, well, hot-diggity-damn, I'M EXTREMELY PUMPED!!! I've got a medium to large PUMP-ON right now, trust me. PUMP LEVELS: WAY UP. The forecast today is cloudy with a high chance of thunderPUMPS, followed by golfball-sized PUMPAGE, and clearing up in the late evening for some nice PUMP-OVERS.

Alright, today we're gonna shake things up a bit. In fact, I'm not even going to write the HDPU today. Today's PUMP will be courtesy of my good pal Dave. In the following Chat message, Dave is attempting to pump up a fellow friend. In an absolutely unheard of display of weak-sauce and un-pumpiness, the fellow friend lacks a response, causing Dave to do what he does best... JUST KEEP BRINGIN' THE PUMP!!! My oh my is he a pumpy dude! See for yerself...

12:26 PM me: God dmanit Rxxxxx stop working and pump with me and duxxxx
U r my hero
12:27 PM If I had to pump I would ask u to pump me
12:28 PM If I was your dad I would say son. It is time for u to pump
And then I would beat the living day lights out of u.
And when I was done beating u
I would give u some purple drink
And say to u
12:29 PM Just as the holy grail captured the blood of christ
Now this magical elixir will take your wounds and turn them into battle scares
And if anyone should ask u. Where did u get those scares?
12:30 PM U shall look at them and say
This badges of honor are a testimate to the true pump
I wear them proudly
They r a reminder of all the pumping done before me
12:31 PM They remind me of all the pumping to come
And one day I hope to pass the. Pump on as it was passed to me
So this long line of pumping will never die
Never
12:32 PM For pumping can't die
It is in all of us
Just as I hope one day to be in u
The pump is explosive
It is magical
It is the 8th wonder of the world
12:33 PM If I was a taco, pump would be my shell
But u wouldn't know what kind of shell
Is the pump hard?
Is the pump soft?
Is the pump hard and soft with cheese inbetween them?
12:34 PM U will never know
Because the pump lives on its own terms
Pump.
Brought to u by kellogs
And american airlines
Proudly sponsoring the pump since the dawn of time
12:35 PM Rock on
Pump on
Pump up
Pump in
Pump out
Pump it!
Yes you
Just pump it

Wowza... uh, I am pretty moved right now. This is like, THE PUMP GOSPEL. I can't believe how many of you are passin' the PUMP out there, it's amazing. When later asked about this unbelievable act of PUMPTITUDE, Dave commented,

"I blacked out when writing it. The spirit of the pump compelled me."

Now THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' BOUT!!! HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP ERRBODY!!!

BONUS PUMP!!!

Ok, ok, for all of you "illiterate" folk, I know you like fancy pictures and video with yer Wednesday PUMP. So for you, I offer the following BONUS PUMP. ENJOY!