There is just WAAAAAY too much stuff to be pumped about today. It's Wednesday. And normally that would mean that we're at the oh-so-precious midway point in the week. Normally that would mean your work week is half-complete, yet half-unfinished. Normally you would be kinda excited you made it this far, yet still a little bummed that you have a few more days of the 'same ol' same ol' left. Well I've got news for you...
TODAY IS NOT NORMAL.
Oh no, my friends, today is not just any day. Well yeah, sure, it's HUMP DAY PUMP UP, but we are also on the verge of Thanksgiving. Ladies and gentlefolk, I'd like to unveil a lil' something I'd like to call the HUMP DAY PUMP DAY TURKEY DAY PRE-PUMP!!! I'll say it again, THE HUMP DAY PUMP DAY TURKEY DAY PRE-PUMP!!!
We all know what's comin' tomorrow, and we're all gettin' considerably PUMPED I'm sure. Let me just boost your PUMP LEVELS today by providing you with a small taste of what is yet to come tomorrow, a little preview if you will, of one of the most ridiculous(ly awesome) holidays of all time...
(Sorry for this pic... do people really pray like this? It looks like a séance or something...)
So just close your eyes and imagine (okay, you can open your eyes I guess, you know... to read this) you're sitting at the dining room table at xxxxxx's house with all the relatives, trying hard to explain exactly what it is you do at your job to your Uncle from xxxxxxxx, while the TV is on in the background with the xxxxxxs vs. xxxxs game on. Then Grandma appears with the holiest, meatiest, most tastiest of birds ever known to man (not counting chicken). TURKEY PUMP!!!
OH DEAR GOD just look at that buttery delicious meat masterpiece, all juicy and hot and turkey-smelling. MMMMMM. Sure, no one's turkey actually looks like that, it's a goddamn internet picture, but hey, the thought is in yer head now, innit?? And what about all the fixins??? HUMP DAY PUMP DAY TURKEY DAY PRE-PUMP ROLL CALL:
STUFFING? PUMP.
MASHED POTATOES? PUMP.
CRANBERRY STUFF? PUMP.
GRAVY? PA-PA-PA PUMP.
CARELESSLY COVERING EVERYTHING ON YOUR PLATE IN GRAVY?? MEGA-BONUS PUMP!
PUMPKIN PIE?? PUMPKIN PIE WITH A DOLLOP OF WHIPPED CREAM??? WAIT, NO, MOM'S PUMPKIN PIE CHEESECAKE?!?!?! SUPER-BONER-INDUCING-ABSURDLY-AWESOME PUMP!!!
After I've gorged myself on that Thanksgiving feast, it's time to hunker down in the living room (heads up, get there early to get a good seat!) and watch the Packer game! Un-buckle the ol' belt, kick your feet up, and watch the Pack trounce the Lions. Ah, life is good. FOOD/SPORTS COMBO-PUMP!!!
And of course, right on cue, ol' uncle Roger dozes off around halftime and begins a snorin'...
Everyone laughs at first, but then the Tryptophan kicks in, and within a half an hour EVERYONE in the living room is zonked. We have now ventured into that sleepy time, post dinner haze... FAMILY TEAM-SLEEP PUMP!!!
After all the relatives begin to wake up again, it's time for the next phase of our lil' tradition. Now what would Thanksgiving be without a nice, friendly family GRAVY WRESTLING MATCH out in the backyard?? Here's a pic from last year's match, where uncle Bob finally got his revenge and put the hurtin' on uncle Roger after he stole his favorite living room seat during the Packer game... RELIEVING-AWKWARD-FAMILY-TENSION PUMP!!!
After the dust clears and the cousins start headin' home, tinfoil-wrapped leftovers in hand, it's time to head to the local bar to spend some quality time with the "second family", the good friends who are ready to pump the jukebox full of money, share some laughs, and tell a good holiday tale over a cold one. Maybe they'll even buy ya a shot or two...and you thought there'd be no more TURKEY???....
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE, STAY PUMPED, GET AWESOME, EAT, DRINK, SLEEP, GET UP, GET AWESOME AGAIN, SAY HI TO THE FAM FOR ME!!!!
