C'mon People, Let's Stop Dying.

Trifecta.

My New Alarm Clock.

So one night I'm doin' the ol' 'get ready for bed' routine, brushing my teeth, taking out my contact lenses, crawling into bed, settin' my alarm clock...OH DAMN. The lil' 'hour' button is jammed into the clock, making it impossible to change the alarm time! Welp, at that point I had two options: either I be wakin' up at 7:00am everyday (no way Jose), OR it was TIME TO BUY A NEW ALARM CLOCK!

Obviously I choose the latter. So I get my SuperTarget on, and come home with a brand new, super-sexy Clock Radio. The Emerson Dual Alarm SmartSet Clock Radio with 1.3" Red Display, to be exact.

Holy shit, I am in LOVE. I get this thing outta the box, plug it in, and BAM! It's good to go. It automatically KNEW the time, day of the week, date, my birthday, the noises I would like to wake up to, the color I like my time displayed in (lustful red), my hobbies and interests, fears, hopes, dreams... I didn't have to program a damn thing, IT JUST KNEW. This clock is from the FUTURE.

I immediately felt a certain sexual attraction to this alarm clock, and I can't wait to wake up to her beautiful smiling "face" every morning and/or afternoon (she automatically knows not to wake me up on weekends until at least 11:30 am!).

I think the reason i'm so in love with this clock is because i've had my shitty old alarm clock for... well, life. I've had that clock for the majority of my life, no kidding. I think it was handed down in our family or something.

So in celebration of this new woman in my life (i just know this new clock is female), I NEED YOUR HELP naming her. Please feel free to submit your suggestions in the comments below.

I'll give you some assistance: picture this new alarm clock as a sexy young black chick with red lipstick (look at the pic of the clock, you'll get it), walking on the beach wearing an obscure band t-shirt and eating a bratwurst. LOVE at first sight, right??

(On a side note, picture my old alarm clock: Beatrice, the 67 year old woman with flabby arms on a park bench, smokin' a cigarette, feeding the pigeons. Also, Beatrice is covered in dust).

Now give sexy-clock a name! The winner of the "Name My Alarm Clock" contest will receive a special surprise!!

HUMP DAY BETTER LATE THAN NEVER PUMP UP!!!

I'm a lil' late with pumpin' you clowns up this wednesday, but I'll give er a shot for all you late afternoon bloggers, just to get you through the night with a little pumpage. I was in Wisconsin over the weekend, so this one is a little 'Sconnie themed... happy PUMP UP!






















Sure you've had brats on the grill, but BRAT BURGERS??? PUMP.










And a lil' LOL moment for you die-hard Pack fans...

Meaty

FATFAR.

This is what will be going down this Sunday, I'm super mega pumped! There is simply no party like a Wisconsin party, and I dare you to prove me otherwise.

Holy LOL Mom!

So I'm chit-chattin' with my moms last night, just shootin' the shit, and she starts asking me about some stuff she hasn't quite figured out yet... like Facebook, blogging, Twitter, funny internet acronyms, etc etc. You see my mom is a real lamb; soft-spoken, wouldn't hurt a fly. My mom is one of, if not the nicest people I have ever met/been birthed from, just totally sweet and innocent. So when she starts poking about regarding Facebook, you knows I gots to get my guard up! Don't get me wrong, I have nothing to hide, but do I really need my precious mother looking at photos of me passed out on a kitchen floor with my pants off, magic marker penises on my forehead? Not to mention this blog... ouch. I just don't think the fact that I spend time commenting on meat/boobs/insignificant shit would make her swell up with pride for her son. (editors note: I just noticed that by that last comment, I classified 'meat' and 'boobs' as significant shit)

Mom - "What's Facebook? And should I get it?"
Me - "Whooaaa. Back it up here, mommers. First of all, don't concern yourself with this Facebook thing, it's nothing to worry about, its just for kids, you do NOT want Facebook. Out of the question."

Mom - "But Jill is on it, she..."
Me - "NO! There are NO MOMS ON FACEBOOK! You are not missing anything. I mean it mom, NO FB for you! If you join, I will NOT be your friend."

(At this point she was a little upset, but I explained 'Facebook friends' to her, meaning I would in fact be her reality friend and son, but not in fantasy Facebook land)

Then somehow I dropped an 'LOL' in there, and she goes "Laugh out loud!" and I was kinda taken aback, as this is my mother we're talkin' about here. I then quizzed her on "BRB", "ROFL", and "TTYL". And that's when it happened...

Mom - "I know what MILF means."

I had no idea what to say at that point. Sweet Jeezus, what the fuck had the internet done to my poor old mother?! A woman who goes to church every Sunday. A woman who still scolds me, a grown man, for using the occasional S-Bomb (I NEVER drop the F-Bomb though, not around my mother, it would crush her soul). A woman so pure of heart that her old fashioned ways and good-natured personality, when compared with you oh faithful blog reader, would make you feel like you were covered in sin. So here she is, revealing to me that she now possesses the knowledge of MILF.

"I can no longer continue this conversation with you mother. Goodnight."

And I hang up, in shock. If she's already discovering these ugly things in the vast land of the web, what's next? Two Girls One Cup? I'm pretty sure if she saw that, her head would explode. So mom, for the sake of all things good in this world, please stay off the interwebz. It just wasn't made for mothers like you.

Hump Day Pump Up: Rain Delay

Due to inclement weather, I regret to inform you that Hump Day Pump Up has been postponed until further notice.

Ra Ra Riot Fest, Chicago

Playlist.

So today really truly felt like a solid hot, happy summer day! Finally! I was starting to worry, after days and days of clouded gray skies, windy gusts, and cold wet mornings with people running to their dry cars, heads down. It was a good day to take a long walk in the sun, just jammin' to some great summer tunes...

satellite skin - modest mouse
learned to surf - superchunk
help i'm Alive - metric
there's no secrets this year - silversun pickups
daylight - matt & kim
the place where we lived - hayden
the boy who blocked his own shot - brand new
hello dearest love - the appleseed cast
watermark - weakerthans
well alright - spoon
lenin - arcade fire
all i really want to do - dylan


skin a little fried, feet a little sore, but all is right with the world.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!

So I realize I've become so blog-lazy that I've only been posting 'Hump Day Pump Ups' lately, but its been a crrrazy week, and well... fuckit, you's donts needs no explanations, you know what time it is people! Let's get pumped!

PUMP ONE:



Holy crap, wait til 2:59 in... it gets way too awesome. Not just a cool song, but friggin' choreographed use of props?! Shit son! And that mic toss at 4:20 is pretty sick, too.


PUMP TWO:


















Sometimes people's stupidity pumps me up! Meat jokes.

PUMP THREE:

















The badass Palm Pre was launched, and yo, this thing is pretty dope. iPhone killer? I don't know if i'd go that far yet, but this thing is the bee's knees. Super-slick touchscreen, moves between multiple apps like a hot knife thru butta, isn't too bulky, and the price can't be beat... Perfect for tech-savvy businessmen or mobile-porn enthusiasts alike. Lemme know and I'll hook you up, fat. Seriously.

PUMP FOUR:

















You KNOW I love me some shitty movies, such as 'Krull' or 'Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood'.
Check out my man Warwick Davis on set, gettin' chill in-between takes. If I ever got my smoke on with some dude in full Leprechaun makeup, I might just have nightmares for life... but it would pump me up, nonetheless.

HUMP DAY PICTURE PUMP UP!!!

After a lack of a PUMP UP last week (of which I was appropriately called out for), I decided to return to form with some pics from my recent mini-vaca.

Ah yes, Florida, hangin' with my main meat man. I started labeling each pic, then I figured, fuck it, a picture is worth a jillion words. Then I thought, well, maybe 16 words: Meat. Whiskey. Grillin'. Swamp. Dinosaurs. Meaty. Boozin'. Jucy Lucy's. Writin' Songs. Meatier. Bird. Beers. THE MEATIEST.

2 dudes just straight up hangin' out, hard.












































































































































































































































GET JACKED, PEOPLE!!!

BONUS PUMP UP:

And for those of you who couldn't give 2 shits about 2 dudes just killin' it, here's another reason to get pumped today...

Sonic offers free root beer floats Wednesday