Bathroom Pen

So at work, i'm always running out of pens (i know, i know. you're thinking "Out of pens? how lame is this post gonna be?" just keep reading ya schmucks). I have one of those jars on my desk that always has an abundance of assorted writing utensils, magic markers, pencils, etc... but no pens. I don't know where they always disappear to... wait, I take that back. You see, I have (had) this one particular pen from this record store, and i KNOW nobody else in the office has this pen, cause i KNOW nobody else knows shit for music in my office, much less places to shop for music. They wouldn't know a record store if it bit them in the ass (note to self - future blog post: inanimate structures coming to life and biting people's asses.)

So a few weeks ago i'm strolling around the office and i look over at a coworkers' desk, which is relatively close to my desk, and what do i see??? My friggin' record store pen! That bastard! What a fuckin' prick. He has no excuse, he's a bastard pen-stealer. Actually, the guy is like super nice and sincere and would be sweet in front of your parents and whatever, but when it comes to obtaining his writing utensils, he's a dick. Sorry, i got sidetracked, but anyway...um, what the fuck was i sayin? oh yeah, uh... I lose pens.

Fast forward to today... i go to the employee bathroom to take care of business (Number 1, in case you were asking). Now this water closet (that's what i call bathrooms these days) isn't horrible, but it always has this weird funk about it, not as if someone had just finished up a jam session of explosive diarrhea, but as if someone had had explosive diarrhea about 2 hours previously, and the must was still lingering around. Not so horrible, but bad enough. Anyway, i finish up my bizness, i'm washing my hands, and i look up and see this pen just chillin' on top of the paper towel dispenser.

My thought process upon seeing this pen, in exact order:

1. "Fuck yeah! Free pen! I'm always losing pens! Bonus!"

2. "Does this pen belong to anyone?"

3. "Who brings a pen into the b-room? Crossword puzzle dump?"

4. "Oh crap, people crap in here. Do people wash their hands? What if the pen-owner took a massive shit while doing a crossword puzzle, then put the pen in their mouth (gross) while wiping, then got some of the dump on their hand (super gross), then removed pen from mouth, got some shits on the pen (mega super gross to the max), went to wash hands, set pen on paper towel dispenser, then sneezed on the pen, then left the pen behind in the bathroom for me to find?"

5. "What if i take the pen, but wash it? Then it's cool, right?"

6. "What if i take the pen, forget to wash it, get distracted while on the phone or something, and put the pen in my mouth? As in, nervous habit pen sucking? As in, SOMEONE'S POOP IN MY MOUTH."

7 Final Thought: "Whatever. Free pen."

Is This Anything?

Man Lifts 42 Lbs. of Gyro Meat with His Beard

Gremlins and Their Clothes

Let's talk about the film Gremlins. When the evil Gremlins start taking over the town, they just absolutely lose it and begin wreckin' shit. I'm talking complete f'n chaos, man. Making people crash cars, making old people crash their electric chair-lift stair thingies (best I could describe that), partyin in the bar... I mean, this town is fucked.

The one thing during this chaos that I just could never grasp happened in the scene with those bar idiot Gremlins. The ones that take over the local pub and get shit-faced. Here they are cuttin' loose with Phoebe Cates, getting completely hammered, guzzlin' beer and hanging off ceiling fans and shit, when suddenly you start seeing some Gremlins dressed up. Over there in the corner you got your jazz-listening, beret-wearin' bebop Gremlin. You've got Gremlins in drag. Gremlins shooting guns. Gremlins with trenchcoats flashing their naked Gremlin bodies. There's this especially disturbing scene with this "Flashdance" Gremlin. This thing's got those pink aerobic tube socks, the spandex, headband, all that crap, and is just goin' to town breakin' to some cheesy 80's dance music. I'm guessing this was a female Gremlin. This, or some of the dude Gremlins just got bored with reproducing purely male clones (offspring? I don't know what to call those things) and decided to go Tranny-Gremlin.

Anyway, amidst all this hootenanny, you're bombarded with wild visual gags. If you think too hard about it, it's almost like this bar scene is a reflection on society... how we all act like savage monsters at times? Ok, maybe not, but anyway, in the subtext, the Gremlins' behavior is at the least "believable". HOWEVER, what I find UNFUCKINBELIEVABLE is all of those miniature clothes. WHERE THE HELL DID THOSE GODDAMN GREMLINS FIND THE TIME TO ROUND UP ALL THOSE MINIATURE OUTFITS??? I mean, let's say you spill water on a Gremlin or whatever it is you do. It starts poppin' out another Gremlin, all snarling and angry... what is the first thing that Gremlin does? "Well of course it's going to go wrangle up a Flashdance outfit real quick, or at least a miniature trenchcoat!" you say. Screw that.

Do Gremlins sew?? And how do they suddenly have this vast knowledge of clothes-wearing anyway? I mean, that would NEVER happen... the Gremlins part, yes, that absolutely makes sense; weirder things have occurred. But those miniature outfits? NEVER. Come on, Spielberg. Everything was going so well, too. I mean, Gremlins are going to kill people, YES. Gremlins can learn to drive a snowplow through a house, YES, can't be that hard. Gremlins can acquire an affinity towards cigarettes and beer within the course of hours, YES, YES, we've all been there. But mini-outfits??? I just can't buy that. I'm callin' bullshit on the Gremlin mini-attire.

LOLLERSKATES

They Can't All Be Zingers

So i've been seriously lacking in the blog department, i know. Have the creative juices all run dry? Am I scraping the bottom of the barrel? Has my proverbial mind milk passed the expiration date? (Judging by that last question...yes.)

So rather than apologize to all of the faithful followers of this blog (my mom) for my lack of posts lately, I'm just going to leave the bar low. I mean, if you don't set expectations, you can never be let down, right? Well, just to be fair, I know you've been waiting for something, anything, to at least stimulate your senses for a bit; tickle your fancy if you will. So just in case you don't hear from me for another week or two, the best I can offer you now are a few random thoughts to tide you over. I'll warn you, I haven't fully fleshed these out yet, they're just a few ideas I was kickin' around. Are these anything? You be the judge...


* In the movie Gremlins, the main character Billy is fuckin' around with his new gift Mogwai friend Gizmo in his room. They're becoming real affectionate pals, and Billy playfully refers to Gizmo with the nickname "Giz", as in, short for "Gizmo". But when you read that on paper, when it's spelled out, do you think about "jiz", as in, man-juice? Is that something? Anything there?

*I wear my heart on my sleeve. Even when I'm in a room where everyone is wearing sleeveless shirts. (Is that one anything? No?)

*You know those whistler guys? You know, those guys who can whistle really loud? Like, you're in a crowded room, and someone needs to get everyone's attention, and some dude just puts a few fingers in his mouth and lets out this ear-piercing shriek of a whistle? Fuck those guys. I'll never be a whistler.

*Dennis Miller was awesome on Monday Night Football, I don't care what anyone says. Would you rather listen to John Madden spew some bullshit drivel all night about linebackers and honey BBQ backribs, or have Miller, who knows about as much about football as Andy Dick, crack obscure jokes and add abstract observations at the most inappropriate times? I say he spiced it up if anything.

*Old people and cell phones. LOL, they don't know shit about them. That's it.

*RiboFlavin - whatever happened to it? I mean, it used to be in stuff, right? You hear people say, "yeah, i'm taking some D vitamins" or whatever, but you never hear anyone say, "man, i really need some RiboFlavin." It really died in the early 90's i think.


So anyway, yep, not my best work, but hey, it's something, right?? Or is it nothing? Oh well. I'm going to the bowling alley now to drink all day and eat pretzels. Carpe Diem, turds.