"And in the end we'll burn in history..."

THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO THE REMAINDER OF THIS WEEK:

music trivia.
overcoming my cold/getting sick.
facebook stalking.
movie/wine/popcorn eating contest night.
overnight Mega-bus trip.
boozing on aforementioned bus trip.
destroying Chicago.
deep dish pizza.
drunken dancing with friends.
re-overcoming my cold/getting sick again after aforementioned boozing.
Subway sandwiches (c'mon haters, they NEVER get old, and cheap as shit).
not blogging.
the moment work is done on friday and i close my laptop.
the moment i get in my car and crank music after aforementioned work on aforementioned friday.
the moment i am approx. 4.4 glorious miles away from aforementioned work on aforementioned friday, at my humble home, simultaneously kicking off my shoes and cracking open a cold beverage.
snowy days/electric blanket.
sunday sleep fest '99.


THINGS I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO AFTER THIS WEEK:

The feeling on Monday morning that all of the aforementioned events are now in the past, and will exist only in my memory, for as long as aforementioned memory lasts, which won't be long if i continue to have weeks in which the aforementioned debauchery occurs.

Hulk Hogan... rapping???

In keeping with the theme I've got going this month (I guess), I'd like to share with you some more shitty rap. So shitty, of course, that it is completely rad. Today I bring you... Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band - Hulk Rules.















So I came across this lil' gem at a carnival in Hickville, Wisconsin about 10 years ago. I "won" it at some fishing game; if memory serves me, you were supposed to "hook" a CD with this makeshift fishing rod, and wouldn't ya know it? All the good CD's (Backstreet Boys, Boyz II Men, anything else that was boy-tastic) were either glued down or impossible to reach or some shit, but of course the real crap was easily available. I think I spent a few bucks on the game, and walked away the proud owner of this horrible/amazing Hulk Hogan rap album. Yes, Hulk Hogan, the wrestler... RAPPING. Rappin' bout life. Rappin' bout friends and family. Rappin' bout not using drugs (Training with vitamins is okay).

First of all, to TRULY experience this blog post to it's utmost potential, you HAVE TO download this album. Here, i'll make it easy for you. CLICK HERE. Okay, now you're ready.

Whoa, stop right there! You didn't click that link, did you? I'll give you one more chance. GET YOUR HULK HOGAN RAP ALBUM HERE. SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL ELSE ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW? UPDATING YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS? READING SOMEONE ELSE'S BLOG? Seriously, people, get this album.. it's totally shitty and totally ridiculous and totally FREE.

I don't want to spoil it all for you, cause I think some of the magic lies in discovering the great moments in this album for yourself, but here are the highlights that will stay with you forever...

Track 1 - HULKSTER'S IN THE HOUSE.
0:01 - 1 second into this album. Heavy as fuck guitar riff. I've just decided this is METAL!

0:10 - Ten seconds in... weak-ass gang vocals, horrible lyrics... I've just decided this most certainly is NOT metal.

Track 3 - HULKSTER'S BACK.

As soon as this song starts, I immediately jump out of my seat and shout, "OH SHIT SON, IT"S ON!!! GET THIS PARTY STARTED RIGHT NOWWW!!!!"

0:10 - Now here lies one of the all-time mysteries of this album. The intro has a "valley-girl" type chick saying, "Oh my gawd!", followed by Hogan shouting "Check out the PUMP, BROTHER!". The woman's response?
"WHA NA NA?!?!"
To this day I seriously do not have a clue what the hell "Wha-na-na" means or why the woman says it or why it was ever recorded, but I do know that it is stupid awesome.

1:35 - Not sure but I think he challenges Ted Turner to an arm-wrestle. "Whatz up Dawg??"

2:06 - Hulk discovers a peculiar new feature in his musculature.

Track 6 - I WANT TO BE A HULKAMANIAC.

0:23 - A true display of Terry Bollea's lightning-fast lyrical shit storm, this song just freakin' kills it.

1:04 - "Can you feel the music? Can you feel the beat? You don't need drugs to move your feet." ...no kids, you don't need drugs... although they may help you make it through this record.

1:53 - The words are so damn positive it hurts. You just can't make this shit up, folks. Well, I take it back, if you're a washed-up WWF wrestler scrounging for a buck in any way possible, I guess you can pull a rap album like this out of your ass. I mean, this song is so awful, it makes you wonder if Hogan was just roided/coked out of his mind at the time, or maybe he lost a bet to a friend who happened to have a recording studio a block away.


Track 7 - BEACH PATROL.

1:02 - "Whoop there it is, check it out, check it in. You'll be 6 feet deep if you touch my girlfriend." Ouch.


Track 9 - HULKSTER IN HEAVEN

I cry every time I hear this song. It's a ballad. It's a piece of shit. It's beautiful.

1:01 - Hulk "singing" sorrowfully about... a wrestling fan dying. "The world just lost... another Hulkamaniac. I wish Hulk's love... could bring you back again." Are you fucking kidding me?

I would say this song is Hulk's "finishing move" of the album... a true piece of art/shit. Breathtaking. In conclusion, this album will change yer life forever. Trust me. Spread the word, the Hulkster's in the house. Check him out, check him out.

The Worst Rap You've Never Heard.

Yo! So I was up Nort' chillin' with some white folks, and yes we were pretty liq'd up, but that is NO excuse for this shameless display of the worst free-style rap I have ever heard in my life. The worst... and unintentionally the funniest. Keep your eye on the dude in the orange sweatshirt... I'm talkin' mad sick flow, sucka! Hey kids, have fun as you follow along with the handy lyric guide below!!! lol.



This what i do!
Get with the lyrics...
(some dude, "listen to this!")

TEXAS. LEXUS.
Like a Nexus Lexus Search
...on the internet.

i don't give a fuck
if you got #@!%*??

i got a laptop.
cause i don't give a fuck if you're gonna drop!
you got a new case
....but i can see your face.
popped up on Myspace

Myspace. My face.
John McCain is my ace.
Fuck it!
Tough old man you've got grace.
So fuck you!
("John McCain is my ace?")

Cause I'm a tough old man. I'm gonna fuckin...
You ain't got to act so shady.

I'm gonna kill you.
How do we??? (haha)

Cause I don't give a fuck.
I'll kill you.
("I can't believe John McCain made it into the rap!")


WOW. Repeat and enjoy.

FAKE LOLers

So where I work, we do a lot of communicating around the office using Instant Messenger. For those of you (my mom) who don't know what IM is, it's a chat application that allows you to "talk" to fellow peers, without all the hassle of actually looking someone in the eye or having any real human interaction. IM also allows you to insert hilariously witty acronyms, like the classic OMG ("oh my gosh"), BRT ("be right there"), and TTYL ("two times you laughed").

Of course the most superbly awesome go-to acronym of all time is the infamous "LOL". Laugh out loud indeed my friend! I mean, what a quick way to represent an exact response to a coworker's comical remark! Not only does it show your respect for said comment, it puts the visual in the other person's head of you, laughing... out loudly! Here's an example I came across just the other day at work...















So anyhoo, the other day I was at the office, typin' away, doing something resembling actual work, but I doubt it. I get an IM from my coworker... for the sake of the story, let's call him/her...Jamal. So Jamal sends me a message, something like "Hey there, check out this link. Oh, it's not work appropriate, so watch out."
ME: "Good thing we don't have an HR department! Haha!" and Jamal immediately types back, "LOL!"

Perfectly legit convo, right?? WRONG. DEAD WRONG. What Jamal failed to realize is that my desk is a mere 15 feet away. So what do I do? I turn around to see if he is ACTUALLY LOLing. And guess what friends... HE IS NOT! He's not even giggling, snickering... no sign of a guffaw anywhere! The dude's just sitting there, stone cold, straight faced. Not even a smirk. FAKE LOL!! We've got a FAKE LOLer over here, people! (I wanted to scream that throughout the office, but we've got, like, boss-men walking around and stuff. They never LOL, either). Screw that. He knowingly typed "LOL", yet is sitting there with his face drooping, looking like he just got done watching "The Black Dahlia" or a YouTube clip of some Australian douchebag talking about absolutely nothing. (you actually clicked the link? Ouch. I bet you're bored)

Jamal, the fake LOLer. What an asshole. Really. I immediately removed Jamal from my Buddy List, and contacted the proper authorities. When you LOL with me, Jamal, I want actual laughter, coming out of yer mouth, loudly. And please move desks, cause I know you're just gonna continue faking it.

The moral of the story, people: Don't half ass your stupid internet chat short-hand. If you tell me "ROFL", I expect to see your ass rolling around on the ground laughing uncontrollably. Don't bring that fake-ass shit my way, son! Watch your friends, coworkers, whatever... let's put an end to FAKE LOLing once and for all.

Also, the movie 'Twilight' (and all the teeny bopper vampire fake-goth heartthrob bullshit that goes with it) is horrible. LOL.

The Boss's Crotch All Up in Yer Face.

In case you missed it...

Yes! Pudgy Pie Time!