HUMP DAY PUMP UP! SHARK WEEK!!

PU-PU-PU-PUMP!!!!

ALRIGHT IT'S BEEN WAY TOO LONG, LETS GET BACK TO BASICS HERE AND GET FREEGIN' PUMPED!!!

As you may or may not have heard, it was recently SHARK WEEK, and

higgity hot damn, that is cause for much PUMPAGE. Think about these SEA BEASTS just tearin' through the ocean, rippin' apart everything in their path. TRULY ONE PUMPY ANIMAL!!!

HOLY SHIT SHARKS GET MY PUMP LEVELS RISIN'!!!

Let's take a look at a clip from the Academy Award winning picture, "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon." I'll set the scene up for you: A cruise ship full of snobs is sinking into waters that are infested by a gigantic prehistoric beast. Hilarity ensues.

That woman gets her shit stolen, and her only reaction is the lackluster "Wh..What?" haha. Then notice the terrific lion ROAR the shark makes? Not to mention the classic bad-guy "heh heh I got away OH FUUUUCCK!!!!" scene. Amazing. LOLz all around; haha shitty graphics, piss poor acting, I mean, could it get any better??? YES, YES IT COULD!! Check out this infamous line from same film...

SUPERB FILM. Reminds me of that "Deep Blue Sea" movie with L.L. Cool J, which reminds me of that shitty shark song he did. What was it again, something about his head like a shark's fin?! haha, wow. Oh, found it. Here's a sample of the lyrics from "Deepest Bluest (Shark's Fin), by Mr. Cool J himself. Enjoy!

Uh, my hat is like a shark's fin

[Repeat (5x)]

Manmade terror
Hungry jaws of death
Y'all don't cross my depths
I'll pause your breaths
I cause you to sink down forty thousand leagues
Bleeding to death with no arms and short sleeves
My world's deep blue
Killers gotta eat too

Now we're pumpin'! No arms, AND short sleeves. Man, have you noticed the utter lack of shark songs out there? These days, sharks just ain't bein' properly represented in hip hop music like they used to.

BONUS SHARK PIC!

Totally fucked.

Alright, that's the best I could PUMP for now, but I'll leave you with one last WTF classic. To all you shark-lovers out there, keep it Pumpy today, become the man-eater that you truly are, and stay sharp like my main man Roy Scheider. SHARK PUMP!!!!

SUPER DOUBLE SECRET BONUS UPDATE!

I went to the water-closet half hour ago and dropped a duece that felt like a hammerhead shark coming out of my ass. Painful, all sharp and fin-like. Just thought I'd add that. PUMP.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP! FEEL GOOD PUMP!!!

Yep yep yep let's get our PUMP ON, you know how we do!

Ok so this week, we're gonna pump a little differently. It can't always just be raging fist-pumpin' explosions and rocketships and boners and cannons being fired and roundhouse kicks to the throat... no no, sometimes you really gotta ease into the pump. You know, like, start slowly, build on it, and eventually work your way up to maximum PUMP LEVELS. Yep, i'm a talkin' bout SLOW PUMP.

Step 1: Tunage.

Let's not get too wild here, remember to breath and EASE INTO THIS PUMP. This is a nice, feel-good pumpy song. Now take a sip of that 64 oz coffee, feel it flowin' through yer veins, into your soul. We're just startin' to get warm here, people.

Step 2: Slip into something more comfortable.

Say, a bacon tuxedo.

Step 3: Enjoy your surroundings.

Take a minute to get up from your cubicle, step outside the office, walk past the smokers on their break, and just keep going, into the surrounding wilderness. Take a deep breath, and just enjoy everything that brings the PUMP to your life. And if you need to, go ahead and just freak out, man.

So that last clip is the new YouTube sensation, and I'm sure you've already seen it, but hotdamn, that vid pumps me up every damn time. "DOUBLE COMPLETE RAINBOW." Epic.

Step 4: Jump in the Lake.

Alright, now we're really gettin' pumpy. We're awake, alert, full of caffeine, and ready to start PUMPIN' HARD, right?? Go ahead and take off that tie, drop those trousers... why don't you just take 'er all off, and jump right off the dock into a cold lake. WHOOOOO!!! I've never gone swimming as much as this summer, and every goddamn time I do, I get really freegin' pumped. Try swimming un-pumpy. I dare you. It's just not possible.

BONUS SWIM-PUMP!!!

If there was a Step 5, it would be: Go to the Modest Mouse show tonight. I am definitely SUPER DAMN PUMPED for the show tonight at the Orpheum. Of course, it's just not in the cards for all of you to witness such a pumpy gig. I'm sorry. BUT I offer you this equally-if-not-more-pumpy event instead:

A BACON TAKE-DOWN COMPETITION. O'GARA'S, ST. PAUL, JULY 18TH. GET SOME.

MORE INFO HERE.

And if you're not quite at SUPER BONER PUMP LEVEL YET, I offer you these last little tasty morsels that will surely make you have a PUMP-OVER tomorrow morning. I'll just lay it on thick here at the end. Happy Wednesday!!

The PUMP is YOURS, take hold and run with it.

HUMP DAY PUMP DOWN - E.T.

I had that E.T. dream again.

Let me explain something to you. I hate E.T.

Seriously, that shit is terrifying. I remember as a small child the first time I watched E.T. I made it 5 minutes into the movie, then ran to my room scared as hell, crying. I didn't even see the goddamn alien yet, just creepy shadows of an alien running through the woods, and that was enough for me. When I finally mustered the courage to see the entire movie, I was truly scarred for life.

I started having this reoccurring dream where E.T. crawls into my window. I try to fend him (did E.T. have a gender?) off by swinging a plastic Fisher Price golf club at him, but this just splits his belly open, spilling dozens of smaller E.T.'s onto my bedroom floor. There I am, whackin' away at these tiny E.T.'s crawlin' around. Truly terrifying. When I was younger, I'd have this dream quite often. To make matters worse, my Uncle got me a small E.T. toy one Christmas...exactly the size of those mini-E.T.'s in my nightmare. That didn't help.

What IS it that creeps me out so much? Is it those long, sausage-like fingers? Those big, bulging eyes? The freaky glowing heart/finger thing? How about when E.T. is all sick and white and bloated, laying down by the river in the woods with coons eatin' off of him? Or that scene in the closet with E.T.'s giant demon head amidst all the stuffed animals? FUCK THAT.

I have no idea why that movie wasn't rated R. Seriously, NOT for kids. And the more I look around on the interwebz, the more freaky E.T. shit I find. I mean, seriously, c'mon! All this crap has just rekindled that old terror in my heart for Steven Spielberg's monstrous creation. I now present to you:

THE 3 CREEPIEST E.T. THINGS IN THE WORLD, EVER.

NUMBER 3: E.T. AND JACKO.

Here's an idea - let's put together the two things that will produce the most nightmares in children. Goddamn.

NUMBER 2: E.T. - THE HORROR MOVIE TRAILER.

Ever wonder what would have happened if the movie E.T. really was marketed as a horror film? I mean, the movie is scary enough already, but shit, WATCH THIS TRAILER, in yer house, at night, with the lights off, alone. Yikes. SERIOUSLY, WATCH IT! Very haunting indeed.

NUMBER 1: E.T. - THE PORNO.

Alright, that last video was pretty chilling, but this next one is just flat out disturbing. Why does E.T. have to go around, ruining the things I love? In this one, an E.T.-ish alien is, um, taken advantage of. This is a 9 on the weird scale, holy shit. WATCH IT NOW. I MEAN IT. YOU DIDN'T WATCH IT YET. WATCH IT. NOT ASKING, I'M TELLING YOU. ENJOY THE NIGHTMARES.

So today, a big "fuck you" goes out to The Extra Terrestrial, for sucking the PUMP right out of the room. You are horrifyingly scary, and I truly hate you. PUMP DOWN.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - THE RETURN!!!

AAAAAGGHHHHH!!!!! kadfljajd;lnvqnadnkfhadsjfkldjsa;jklasfv;mwqndv;nds!!!!!

I'll explain.

So it's been a busy few weeks, sorry I haven't been the source of much PUMPAGE lately, but believe me, I've been off on some extreme PUMP JOURNEYS, all in the name of the BEST SUMMER, EVER.

There's a lot to share, I guess I'll just get into it! This HDPU was a lil' rushed, I'm still recovering from many pumpy happenings, but better to PUMP than to have NEVER PUMPED AT ALL. First off, let's set the tone with a lil' tunage. This goddamn video pumps me up SO HARD, I'm gettin' a largey just watchin' it.

Ok, so, CONGRATULATIONS are in order, my buddy HECKYEAHMAN just got hitched!!! I went with my bro Colin on a super long/fun roadtrip down to Gainesville, FL to witness the blessed event and to stand in the wedding. It was an awesome time, and you BETTER BELIEVE WE SPREAD THE GODDAMN PUMP to those Floridians! Hotels Parties. Whiskey. Energy Drinks/caffeine pills. Dance Parties. 95 degress. Suits/Dresses. Marriage. Metal. Eating lizards. AWESOMENESS!!!

(that's just a pic i stole from Google, but believe me, lizards were ate! Eaten? PUMP)

Ok, and since we're pumping some real-world, grown up shit, dig this...

MY SISTER HAD A BABY!!!! Welcome Seth Timothy Richardson to the world. You've got a life full of PUMP ahead of you, son...

The lil' guy is so cute! Cuteness PUMPS ME UP!!!

Ok ok okay, you want something even more PUMPY??!?! Well, laughter pumps me up. I dare you to watch this video and not laugh. Also, on a related note, I hate all auto-tuned-poppy-hip-hop-skibbity-doo-wop-rap-crap-Top 40-fake-ass-bullshit music. Just for the record. Ok enjoy!

Ok, I really gotta run. Sorry if you think this HDPU was phoned-in, I'll try harder, I promise! More to come soon. Spread that pump, find the pump within yer own heart, um... (insert other pump comment that encourages you to find your own pump, cause I'm too lazy to pump for you...)

Oh, one more thing before we go... Here is your BONER-INDUCING BACON IMAGE OF THE DAY!!! KEEP ER PUMPY!!!!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP! - SPECIAL GUEST PUMP!

Holy shit I'm gonna start today's PUMP by saying, well, hot-diggity-damn, I'M EXTREMELY PUMPED!!! I've got a medium to large PUMP-ON right now, trust me. PUMP LEVELS: WAY UP. The forecast today is cloudy with a high chance of thunderPUMPS, followed by golfball-sized PUMPAGE, and clearing up in the late evening for some nice PUMP-OVERS.

Alright, today we're gonna shake things up a bit. In fact, I'm not even going to write the HDPU today. Today's PUMP will be courtesy of my good pal Dave. In the following Chat message, Dave is attempting to pump up a fellow friend. In an absolutely unheard of display of weak-sauce and un-pumpiness, the fellow friend lacks a response, causing Dave to do what he does best... JUST KEEP BRINGIN' THE PUMP!!! My oh my is he a pumpy dude! See for yerself...

12:26 PM me: God dmanit Rxxxxx stop working and pump with me and duxxxx
U r my hero
12:27 PM If I had to pump I would ask u to pump me
12:28 PM If I was your dad I would say son. It is time for u to pump
And then I would beat the living day lights out of u.
And when I was done beating u
I would give u some purple drink
And say to u
12:29 PM Just as the holy grail captured the blood of christ
Now this magical elixir will take your wounds and turn them into battle scares
And if anyone should ask u. Where did u get those scares?
12:30 PM U shall look at them and say
This badges of honor are a testimate to the true pump
I wear them proudly
They r a reminder of all the pumping done before me
12:31 PM They remind me of all the pumping to come
And one day I hope to pass the. Pump on as it was passed to me
So this long line of pumping will never die
Never
12:32 PM For pumping can't die
It is in all of us
Just as I hope one day to be in u
The pump is explosive
It is magical
It is the 8th wonder of the world
12:33 PM If I was a taco, pump would be my shell
But u wouldn't know what kind of shell
Is the pump hard?
Is the pump soft?
Is the pump hard and soft with cheese inbetween them?
12:34 PM U will never know
Because the pump lives on its own terms
Pump.
Brought to u by kellogs
And american airlines
Proudly sponsoring the pump since the dawn of time
12:35 PM Rock on
Pump on
Pump up
Pump in
Pump out
Pump it!
Yes you
Just pump it

Wowza... uh, I am pretty moved right now. This is like, THE PUMP GOSPEL. I can't believe how many of you are passin' the PUMP out there, it's amazing. When later asked about this unbelievable act of PUMPTITUDE, Dave commented,

"I blacked out when writing it. The spirit of the pump compelled me."

Now THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' BOUT!!! HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP ERRBODY!!!

BONUS PUMP!!!

Ok, ok, for all of you "illiterate" folk, I know you like fancy pictures and video with yer Wednesday PUMP. So for you, I offer the following BONUS PUMP. ENJOY!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - LET'S DANCE!!!

Hellllll yesssss IT'S WEDNESDAY, and you KNOW whatta that means!!!

LET'S GET PUUUUUMPED!!!!!!!

Oh man oh man I've got such a large pump-on this week, whoo!!! I don't know about you, but one thing that get's me pumping HARD is DANCING. Ferk yeah, nothin' like just goin' apeshit on the dancefloor, the living room floor, the coffee table, on yer bed, on the kitchen table... just DANCING YER FREEGIN' PANTS OFF!!

P to the UMP. PUMP NATION, ya hear me?!?!

Ok, so there's this new dance craze just sweepin' da nation, it's like the hottest thing, ever. It's called Daggering... aka DRY HUMPING. Watch this entire video. This time I'm not asking, I'm TELLING YOU. Watchit. Watch it. You not only will learn a thing or two, you will be laughing yer genitals off!!! Seriously, watch it. If the dude in this video doesn't get you PUMPED, well... you're an asshole. Click it. NOW NOW NOW!!!

"UNTIL...YOU...HAVE.... DIIIIIEEED!!!" Whewwww, doggy!! How goddamn pumpy is THAT?!?!?!

Alright, lets face it, we can't all be blessed with killer moves that will put hurt on the dance floor. Did ya know that 83% of all Americans can't even sufficiently cut a rug??? (Made-up statistic). No worries. If you're one of these people, just remember... there is always someone out there who sucks more at dancing than you.

Now that FAIL just sent my PUMP LEVELS SKY FREEGIN' HIGH!!!

Here's some dancing tips for you that I made up (free of charge). If you want to become a successful dancing machine, you MUST adhere to the following:

1. PELVIC THRUSTS. There can never be enough. And when you think it's enough, keep thrustin'. Oh, and throw in some wang-grabs. Everyone loves a firm tug on the schlong whilst keepin' it real on the dance floor.

2. USE A REMOTE CONTROL AS A FAKE MICROPHONE. Yep, the ladies in the club (your house) will just swoon as you lip-sync over Lady GaGa using the remote to your 19" Toshiba. Trust me on this one fellas. And for you experts, try a few toss n' catches, to really get the party goin'. Just make sure you perfect that catch, cause nothin' kills a dance partay like a missed mic-toss and AA battery's sprayed across the floor.

3. PELVIC THRUSTS. Not sure if we fully touched on this one yet, but I'm telling you, get that crotch all up in everybody's bidness.

DANCE YER PANTS OFF!!! AHHHH PUMP!!!!

So remember kids, dance like no one's watchin', and PUMP LIKE EVERYBODY'S WATCHIN', cause the PUMP is infectious, it's like a disease. Spread that shit around. Don't use protection. PASS THE PUMP!!! PUMP UNTIL YOU HAVE DIED!!!!!

HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!!!

Pussy Doodles.