Pudding Bath

HUMP DAY PUMP UP! SHARK WEEK!!

2010-08-11T10:44:00.013-05:00

PU-PU-PU-PUMP!!!!

ALRIGHT IT'S BEEN WAY TOO LONG, LETS GET BACK TO BASICS HERE AND GET FREEGIN' PUMPED!!!

As you may or may not have heard, it was recently SHARK WEEK, and

higgity hot damn, that is cause for much PUMPAGE. Think about these SEA BEASTS just tearin' through the ocean, rippin' apart everything in their path. TRULY ONE PUMPY ANIMAL!!!

HOLY SHIT SHARKS GET MY PUMP LEVELS RISIN'!!!

Let's take a look at a clip from the Academy Award winning picture, "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon." I'll set the scene up for you: A cruise ship full of snobs is sinking into waters that are infested by a gigantic prehistoric beast. Hilarity ensues.

That woman gets her shit stolen, and her only reaction is the lackluster "Wh..What?" haha. Then notice the terrific lion ROAR the shark makes? Not to mention the classic bad-guy "heh heh I got away OH FUUUUCCK!!!!" scene. Amazing. LOLz all around; haha shitty graphics, piss poor acting, I mean, could it get any better??? YES, YES IT COULD!! Check out this infamous line from same film...

SUPERB FILM. Reminds me of that "Deep Blue Sea" movie with L.L. Cool J, which reminds me of that shitty shark song he did. What was it again, something about his head like a shark's fin?! haha, wow. Oh, found it. Here's a sample of the lyrics from "Deepest Bluest (Shark's Fin), by Mr. Cool J himself. Enjoy!

Uh, my hat is like a shark's fin

[Repeat (5x)]

Manmade terror
Hungry jaws of death
Y'all don't cross my depths
I'll pause your breaths
I cause you to sink down forty thousand leagues
Bleeding to death with no arms and short sleeves
My world's deep blue
Killers gotta eat too

Now we're pumpin'! No arms, AND short sleeves. Man, have you noticed the utter lack of shark songs out there? These days, sharks just ain't bein' properly represented in hip hop music like they used to.

BONUS SHARK PIC!

Totally fucked.

Alright, that's the best I could PUMP for now, but I'll leave you with one last WTF classic. To all you shark-lovers out there, keep it Pumpy today, become the man-eater that you truly are, and stay sharp like my main man Roy Scheider. SHARK PUMP!!!!

SUPER DOUBLE SECRET BONUS UPDATE!

I went to the water-closet half hour ago and dropped a duece that felt like a hammerhead shark coming out of my ass. Painful, all sharp and fin-like. Just thought I'd add that. PUMP.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP! FEEL GOOD PUMP!!!

2010-07-14T12:14:00.000-05:00

Yep yep yep let's get our PUMP ON, you know how we do!

Ok so this week, we're gonna pump a little differently. It can't always just be raging fist-pumpin' explosions and rocketships and boners and cannons being fired and roundhouse kicks to the throat... no no, sometimes you really gotta ease into the pump. You know, like, start slowly, build on it, and eventually work your way up to maximum PUMP LEVELS. Yep, i'm a talkin' bout SLOW PUMP.

Step 1: Tunage.

Let's not get too wild here, remember to breath and EASE INTO THIS PUMP. This is a nice, feel-good pumpy song. Now take a sip of that 64 oz coffee, feel it flowin' through yer veins, into your soul. We're just startin' to get warm here, people.

Step 2: Slip into something more comfortable.

Say, a bacon tuxedo.

Step 3: Enjoy your surroundings.

Take a minute to get up from your cubicle, step outside the office, walk past the smokers on their break, and just keep going, into the surrounding wilderness. Take a deep breath, and just enjoy everything that brings the PUMP to your life. And if you need to, go ahead and just freak out, man.

So that last clip is the new YouTube sensation, and I'm sure you've already seen it, but hotdamn, that vid pumps me up every damn time. "DOUBLE COMPLETE RAINBOW." Epic.

Step 4: Jump in the Lake.

Alright, now we're really gettin' pumpy. We're awake, alert, full of caffeine, and ready to start PUMPIN' HARD, right?? Go ahead and take off that tie, drop those trousers... why don't you just take 'er all off, and jump right off the dock into a cold lake. WHOOOOO!!! I've never gone swimming as much as this summer, and every goddamn time I do, I get really freegin' pumped. Try swimming un-pumpy. I dare you. It's just not possible.

BONUS SWIM-PUMP!!!

If there was a Step 5, it would be: Go to the Modest Mouse show tonight. I am definitely SUPER DAMN PUMPED for the show tonight at the Orpheum. Of course, it's just not in the cards for all of you to witness such a pumpy gig. I'm sorry. BUT I offer you this equally-if-not-more-pumpy event instead:

A BACON TAKE-DOWN COMPETITION. O'GARA'S, ST. PAUL, JULY 18TH. GET SOME.

MORE INFO HERE.

And if you're not quite at SUPER BONER PUMP LEVEL YET, I offer you these last little tasty morsels that will surely make you have a PUMP-OVER tomorrow morning. I'll just lay it on thick here at the end. Happy Wednesday!!

The PUMP is YOURS, take hold and run with it.

HUMP DAY PUMP DOWN - E.T.

2010-06-29T14:27:00.010-05:00

I had that E.T. dream again.

Let me explain something to you. I hate E.T.

Seriously, that shit is terrifying. I remember as a small child the first time I watched E.T. I made it 5 minutes into the movie, then ran to my room scared as hell, crying. I didn't even see the goddamn alien yet, just creepy shadows of an alien running through the woods, and that was enough for me. When I finally mustered the courage to see the entire movie, I was truly scarred for life.

I started having this reoccurring dream where E.T. crawls into my window. I try to fend him (did E.T. have a gender?) off by swinging a plastic Fisher Price golf club at him, but this just splits his belly open, spilling dozens of smaller E.T.'s onto my bedroom floor. There I am, whackin' away at these tiny E.T.'s crawlin' around. Truly terrifying. When I was younger, I'd have this dream quite often. To make matters worse, my Uncle got me a small E.T. toy one Christmas...exactly the size of those mini-E.T.'s in my nightmare. That didn't help.

What IS it that creeps me out so much? Is it those long, sausage-like fingers? Those big, bulging eyes? The freaky glowing heart/finger thing? How about when E.T. is all sick and white and bloated, laying down by the river in the woods with coons eatin' off of him? Or that scene in the closet with E.T.'s giant demon head amidst all the stuffed animals? FUCK THAT.

I have no idea why that movie wasn't rated R. Seriously, NOT for kids. And the more I look around on the interwebz, the more freaky E.T. shit I find. I mean, seriously, c'mon! All this crap has just rekindled that old terror in my heart for Steven Spielberg's monstrous creation. I now present to you:

THE 3 CREEPIEST E.T. THINGS IN THE WORLD, EVER.

NUMBER 3: E.T. AND JACKO.

Here's an idea - let's put together the two things that will produce the most nightmares in children. Goddamn.

NUMBER 2: E.T. - THE HORROR MOVIE TRAILER.

Ever wonder what would have happened if the movie E.T. really was marketed as a horror film? I mean, the movie is scary enough already, but shit, WATCH THIS TRAILER, in yer house, at night, with the lights off, alone. Yikes. SERIOUSLY, WATCH IT! Very haunting indeed.

NUMBER 1: E.T. - THE PORNO.

Alright, that last video was pretty chilling, but this next one is just flat out disturbing. Why does E.T. have to go around, ruining the things I love? In this one, an E.T.-ish alien is, um, taken advantage of. This is a 9 on the weird scale, holy shit. WATCH IT NOW. I MEAN IT. YOU DIDN'T WATCH IT YET. WATCH IT. NOT ASKING, I'M TELLING YOU. ENJOY THE NIGHTMARES.

So today, a big "fuck you" goes out to The Extra Terrestrial, for sucking the PUMP right out of the room. You are horrifyingly scary, and I truly hate you. PUMP DOWN.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - THE RETURN!!!

2010-06-23T11:46:00.019-05:00

AAAAAGGHHHHH!!!!! kadfljajd;lnvqnadnkfhadsjfkldjsa;jklasfv;mwqndv;nds!!!!!

I'll explain.

So it's been a busy few weeks, sorry I haven't been the source of much PUMPAGE lately, but believe me, I've been off on some extreme PUMP JOURNEYS, all in the name of the BEST SUMMER, EVER.

There's a lot to share, I guess I'll just get into it! This HDPU was a lil' rushed, I'm still recovering from many pumpy happenings, but better to PUMP than to have NEVER PUMPED AT ALL. First off, let's set the tone with a lil' tunage. This goddamn video pumps me up SO HARD, I'm gettin' a largey just watchin' it.

Ok, so, CONGRATULATIONS are in order, my buddy HECKYEAHMAN just got hitched!!! I went with my bro Colin on a super long/fun roadtrip down to Gainesville, FL to witness the blessed event and to stand in the wedding. It was an awesome time, and you BETTER BELIEVE WE SPREAD THE GODDAMN PUMP to those Floridians! Hotels Parties. Whiskey. Energy Drinks/caffeine pills. Dance Parties. 95 degress. Suits/Dresses. Marriage. Metal. Eating lizards. AWESOMENESS!!!

(that's just a pic i stole from Google, but believe me, lizards were ate! Eaten? PUMP)

Ok, and since we're pumping some real-world, grown up shit, dig this...

MY SISTER HAD A BABY!!!! Welcome Seth Timothy Richardson to the world. You've got a life full of PUMP ahead of you, son...

The lil' guy is so cute! Cuteness PUMPS ME UP!!!

Ok ok okay, you want something even more PUMPY??!?! Well, laughter pumps me up. I dare you to watch this video and not laugh. Also, on a related note, I hate all auto-tuned-poppy-hip-hop-skibbity-doo-wop-rap-crap-Top 40-fake-ass-bullshit music. Just for the record. Ok enjoy!

Ok, I really gotta run. Sorry if you think this HDPU was phoned-in, I'll try harder, I promise! More to come soon. Spread that pump, find the pump within yer own heart, um... (insert other pump comment that encourages you to find your own pump, cause I'm too lazy to pump for you...)

Oh, one more thing before we go... Here is your BONER-INDUCING BACON IMAGE OF THE DAY!!! KEEP ER PUMPY!!!!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP! - SPECIAL GUEST PUMP!

2010-06-02T10:26:00.003-05:00

Holy shit I'm gonna start today's PUMP by saying, well, hot-diggity-damn, I'M EXTREMELY PUMPED!!! I've got a medium to large PUMP-ON right now, trust me. PUMP LEVELS: WAY UP. The forecast today is cloudy with a high chance of thunderPUMPS, followed by golfball-sized PUMPAGE, and clearing up in the late evening for some nice PUMP-OVERS.

Alright, today we're gonna shake things up a bit. In fact, I'm not even going to write the HDPU today. Today's PUMP will be courtesy of my good pal Dave. In the following Chat message, Dave is attempting to pump up a fellow friend. In an absolutely unheard of display of weak-sauce and un-pumpiness, the fellow friend lacks a response, causing Dave to do what he does best... JUST KEEP BRINGIN' THE PUMP!!! My oh my is he a pumpy dude! See for yerself...

12:26 PM me: God dmanit Rxxxxx stop working and pump with me and duxxxx
U r my hero
12:27 PM If I had to pump I would ask u to pump me
12:28 PM If I was your dad I would say son. It is time for u to pump
And then I would beat the living day lights out of u.
And when I was done beating u
I would give u some purple drink
And say to u
12:29 PM Just as the holy grail captured the blood of christ
Now this magical elixir will take your wounds and turn them into battle scares
And if anyone should ask u. Where did u get those scares?
12:30 PM U shall look at them and say
This badges of honor are a testimate to the true pump
I wear them proudly
They r a reminder of all the pumping done before me
12:31 PM They remind me of all the pumping to come
And one day I hope to pass the. Pump on as it was passed to me
So this long line of pumping will never die
Never
12:32 PM For pumping can't die
It is in all of us
Just as I hope one day to be in u
The pump is explosive
It is magical
It is the 8th wonder of the world
12:33 PM If I was a taco, pump would be my shell
But u wouldn't know what kind of shell
Is the pump hard?
Is the pump soft?
Is the pump hard and soft with cheese inbetween them?
12:34 PM U will never know
Because the pump lives on its own terms
Pump.
Brought to u by kellogs
And american airlines
Proudly sponsoring the pump since the dawn of time
12:35 PM Rock on
Pump on
Pump up
Pump in
Pump out
Pump it!
Yes you
Just pump it

Wowza... uh, I am pretty moved right now. This is like, THE PUMP GOSPEL. I can't believe how many of you are passin' the PUMP out there, it's amazing. When later asked about this unbelievable act of PUMPTITUDE, Dave commented,

"I blacked out when writing it. The spirit of the pump compelled me."

Now THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' BOUT!!! HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP ERRBODY!!!

BONUS PUMP!!!

Ok, ok, for all of you "illiterate" folk, I know you like fancy pictures and video with yer Wednesday PUMP. So for you, I offer the following BONUS PUMP. ENJOY!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - LET'S DANCE!!!

2010-05-26T10:00:00.003-05:00

Hellllll yesssss IT'S WEDNESDAY, and you KNOW whatta that means!!!

LET'S GET PUUUUUMPED!!!!!!!

Oh man oh man I've got such a large pump-on this week, whoo!!! I don't know about you, but one thing that get's me pumping HARD is DANCING. Ferk yeah, nothin' like just goin' apeshit on the dancefloor, the living room floor, the coffee table, on yer bed, on the kitchen table... just DANCING YER FREEGIN' PANTS OFF!!

P to the UMP. PUMP NATION, ya hear me?!?!

Ok, so there's this new dance craze just sweepin' da nation, it's like the hottest thing, ever. It's called Daggering... aka DRY HUMPING. Watch this entire video. This time I'm not asking, I'm TELLING YOU. Watchit. Watch it. You not only will learn a thing or two, you will be laughing yer genitals off!!! Seriously, watch it. If the dude in this video doesn't get you PUMPED, well... you're an asshole. Click it. NOW NOW NOW!!!

"UNTIL...YOU...HAVE.... DIIIIIEEED!!!" Whewwww, doggy!! How goddamn pumpy is THAT?!?!?!

Alright, lets face it, we can't all be blessed with killer moves that will put hurt on the dance floor. Did ya know that 83% of all Americans can't even sufficiently cut a rug??? (Made-up statistic). No worries. If you're one of these people, just remember... there is always someone out there who sucks more at dancing than you.

Now that FAIL just sent my PUMP LEVELS SKY FREEGIN' HIGH!!!

Here's some dancing tips for you that I made up (free of charge). If you want to become a successful dancing machine, you MUST adhere to the following:

1. PELVIC THRUSTS. There can never be enough. And when you think it's enough, keep thrustin'. Oh, and throw in some wang-grabs. Everyone loves a firm tug on the schlong whilst keepin' it real on the dance floor.

2. USE A REMOTE CONTROL AS A FAKE MICROPHONE. Yep, the ladies in the club (your house) will just swoon as you lip-sync over Lady GaGa using the remote to your 19" Toshiba. Trust me on this one fellas. And for you experts, try a few toss n' catches, to really get the party goin'. Just make sure you perfect that catch, cause nothin' kills a dance partay like a missed mic-toss and AA battery's sprayed across the floor.

3. PELVIC THRUSTS. Not sure if we fully touched on this one yet, but I'm telling you, get that crotch all up in everybody's bidness.

DANCE YER PANTS OFF!!! AHHHH PUMP!!!!

So remember kids, dance like no one's watchin', and PUMP LIKE EVERYBODY'S WATCHIN', cause the PUMP is infectious, it's like a disease. Spread that shit around. Don't use protection. PASS THE PUMP!!! PUMP UNTIL YOU HAVE DIED!!!!!

HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!!!

Pussy Doodles.

2010-05-14T06:40:00.000-05:00

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!

2010-05-12T12:22:00.006-05:00

It's Wednesday folks, and I'm SUPER PUMPED!!!! The only thing I can think of doing is of course SPREADIN' THAT PUMP throughout the land. So pull up yer PUMPY PANTS, toss back an energy drink, and get ready to rip today a new asshole. LET'S GET OUR PUMP ON!!!

First, put in yer head phones, crank it up, feel that caffeine coursing through yer veins, and pump this jam. Goddammit those bastards in Teenage Bottlerocket pump me right the ferk right up! I could end the PUMP UP post right after this song, it would suffice.

My legs are just a-shakin', that song just jacks me up! Well I guess I never really learned to skate, but if I had, you know my pump-levels would be freegin' sky-high each and every day.

Alright fellow pumpers, dig this... turns out there's a kids inflatable party zone bouncy thingy which can be found on pumpitupparty.com.

Thinkin' bout renting one, how pumpy would THAT be??!! Take it from the kids, this thing will pump yer face off. To prove it, the website is just littered with photos of pumpy kids' faces. Since I know you won't click that link above, I'll cover the highlights below. Check it out:

Pretty PUMPED...

Gettin' pumpier... (I imagine this dude sayin' "Aww, daaaaang!!")

Ok, gettin' a serious PUMP-ON now... (notice how the folks at pumpitupparty.com are subtly covering their bases by including as many races as they can... this inflatable party thingy does not discriminate! [as long as you are a kid with a pumpy face])

WOW, this last kid is just retardedly PUMPED UP like whoa!! This kid looks like the Tooth Fairy had just farted into his mouth and it tasted like magic.

PICTURE PUMP!!! A pumpy picture is worth a thousand words. Check this, and feel those pump levels a-risin'!! STAR WARS ROCK BAND! I just love that C-3PO and R2D2 are holdin' down the keys in the background...

Ok, now I know I've been talking a lot about the upcoming epic summer (here and here), but seriously, how awesome will it be to finally get to go to the beach or the pool and just get awesome?!?

If there is sand, it's a beach.

If it's a beach, there'll be boobs.

If there are sandy boobs, it's a party.

Reminds me of last summer, when my good buddy Jose ate 11 Creamsicles, chugged half a bottle of Jose Cuervo (which is ironic in itself, since his name is Jose), then decided to jump in the pool.

Yeah yeah I know Jose looks different in each photo there, put c'mon, I used what I had (thanks Google Image search). It's a true story nonetheless. Sorta. PUMP!

Ok I'm sure you have some real pumpin' to do out there in the real world, so for this final bit lets take a trip down memory lane... all the way back to the beginning of this post. If you didn't watch the first video, PUMP DOWN to you my friend. But I'll give ya another chance. Another super-pumpy skate video, but in this one, everybody wipes out, every time. I always cringe when I watch this, but it's SO DAMN PUMPY.

As you're rockin' out today, remember... sometimes when you try to PUMP TOO HARD, you FAIL. You land on yer face. NEGA-PUMP. You may get battered and bruised, but just get back up, dust yerself off, and keep bringin' it hard. Happy Wednesday, and HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!

ENDLESS SUMMER SHOWS

2010-05-10T11:23:00.002-05:00

I gotta say that I've never seen such a goddamn plethora of awesome summer concerts than what's in store for us in 2010. Let's grab a beer, catch a show...

May 21 - Peter Wolf Crier - Album release show - Turf Club

May 25 - Midlake - w/ Jason Lytle of Grandaddy - First Ave.

May 29-31 - Sasquatch Music Festival (too many to name) - The Gorge, WA.

June 1 - Astronautalis - 7th st. entry

June 5 - She & Him - cutest girl of all time - First Ave.

June 6 - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - First Ave.

June 9 - Matt Pond PA - 7th st. entry

June 11 - The New Pornographers - First Ave.

June 19th - Rock the Garden - MGMT, Retribution gospel choir, OK GO

July 1 - Tool - Xcel Energy Center

July 3 - The Hold Steady - Cabooze (outdoors!)

July 4 - The Hold Steady - First Ave.

July 9-10 - Basilica Block Party - Weezer, Avett Bros, Spoon

July 14 - Modest Mouse - Orpheum theater

July 16-18 - Pitchfork Music Festival (pavement, modmouse, LCD, brokensocialscene)

July 18 - Wolf Parade - First Ave.

July 22 - Built to Spill - First Ave.

July 26 - The Gaslight Anthem - First Ave.

July 27 - Blitzen Trapper w/ Avi Buffalo - First Ave.

July 28 - The Dead Weather - First Ave.

Aug. 5 - The National - First Ave.

Aug. 6 - The National - First Ave.

Aug. 6-8 - Lollapalooza - Soundgarden, greenday, strokes, arcade fire, MGMT, national, etc

Aug. 9 - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Cabooze (outdoors!)

Aug. 12 - Phoenix - State Theater

Sept. 12 - Pavement - Roy Wilkins

PUMP, PUMP, PUMP IT UP!!! FRIDAY NIGHT WHOOO!!!

2010-04-30T11:25:00.009-05:00

Alright, listen up dudes and dude-lovers!!! Still need more pumpage this week?? Wonderin' what to do with your oh so important Friday night?? AAAHHHHHHHH jeezus man I can't even finish this intro, I'm so frickin' PUMPPPPPPED RIGHT NOW AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Seriously seriously, I can't contain the pump, it's just freakin' out akdjfljadskjflal!!!!DSJLFJD!!!PUMP!!!!SJDFKDSAFJ!!!

Ok, settle down! Here's what's goin down tonight. My good friends have a band. They are playin' tonight at the RED SEA BAR in mpls. YOU'RE GOING. I'M NOT ASKING, I'M TELLING YOU. I can GUARANTEE you the following:

1) Face-melting jamz.

2) FREE MUSTACHES. SERIOUSLY.

3) I will buy a beer.*

4) Friends with bonerz.

5) We will be doing multiple "TEEEEAM DRINKS"!!! If you don't know what that is, well, come find out. Also, the "shoulder shrug" dance might come out (thanks heckyeahman).

6) I will be giving out hugs like nobody's business. If you would like one Official PUDDING BATH sponsored HUG, come n' git it!

7) We're going to get awesome. We're going to get weird. We will be living out LOUD. Just good goddamn vibes and friends and fun all night!!!

*No, I won't buy YOU a beer, but I promise I will buy a beer, and drink it with YOU.

COME HAVE SOME FUN TONIGHT!!!! DOORS 9:30PM, MUSIC 10PM.

HUGS. BOOZE. JAMZ. FRIENDSHIP. PUMPAGE. MEAT. HIGH FIVES. SLOW-MOTION SPLIT KICKS IN MID-AIR. SHOTS. PIGGY BACK RIDES. LOVE. EXCITEMENT. PUMP!!!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!

2010-04-28T12:07:00.015-05:00

Yo, welcome back! Sorry for the lack of PUMP last Wednesday, I know some of you were depending on the PUMP to get you through your mediocre day, and I failed you. Don't worry, judging by the abundance of verbal abuse, hate mail, and burning crosses in my yard, I'd say you're ready to be PUMPED UP once again, and I'm here for you.

So come on in, take a seat, get settled, and welcome to Wednesday. Nope. Change of plans, stand up. Backwards kick that chair as hard as you freegin' can. Rip yer shirt off. Yell at yer boss. Stand on your desk. Pour a cup of coffee on yer chest. NOW you're ready. This is the greatest Wednesday of your life (so far). HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!

Why are we here? It's simple. We're here to help you rise up from the gigantic shit-ball that is your 9 to 5. In a few mere minutes, you will be jumpkicking Wednesday in the teeth, grabbing your wang or clam with one hand, while simultaneously raising a defiant middle finger to "the man" with the other. Get jacked up, feel the pump in your soul, and let's get right to it!!!

PUMP - THE KFC DOUBLE DOWN!!

How I have not yet commented on this absurd "sandwich" is beyond me. I mean, dear god. I first read about it on some blog, and although I did have a lil' chuckle, I denied it's actual existence. Then came the billboards and TV ads for this ridiculous KFC monstrosity. Wow. I mean, I thought it was just an awesome joke, but KFC actually said "fuckit, lets just put it out there, see what happens..."

First of all, the "bun" is meat. Read that again. The "BUN" is MEAT. Two pieces of fried chicken, to be exact. Wedged between those greasy patties of

chicken-like product is 2 slices of cheese (why not?), two slices of bacon (essential), and then some of The Colonel's goo slathered on for good measure. What crazy Wisconsin scientist came up with this one? Really America? We've lowered our standards enough to actually ingest this stack of garbage? KFC isn't even hiding behind a mysterious slogan or clever ploy, either. They're flat out encouraging you to UNTHINK. That literally means DO NOT THINK. Turn off your brain for a minute and suck down one of these heart-stopping calorie heaps ASAP.

Welp, gotta admit, it's pretty meaty, and definitely just mind-boggingly stupid, so I vote yes. PUMP. And I thought the KFC Famous Bowls couldn't be topped...

ART PUMP!!

No, this is not a joke. I actually went to the Minneapolis Institute of Arts the other day, and uh, well, I looked at art. It was generally a relaxing, soothing experience, but one piece of art got me freegin' PUMPED.

I mean, how PUMPED are these dudes? Look at those grins. This piece intrigued me, so I went to the artist, Yue Minjun's website. Turns out there are armies of these grinnin' Chinamen. It's all pretty rad. Also, for you Minneapolis peeps, check out the 'Until Now' exhibition goin' on at MIA right now. It's completely FREE on every third post-Hump Day (aka Thursday), from 5 to 9, or free with college ID, or 8 bucks for you other schmucks. Art Pump.

Oh, sidenote, do you remember that classic episode of Saved by the Bell, in which Lisa Turtle ponders, "What is art? Are we art? Is art art?" Bold questions indeed Lisa, I wish I had all the answers. Moving on...

INTERRACIAL PUMP!!

Speaking of Lisa, when I was younger I realized that Lisa Turtle was the first African American girl that I would totally go to the Bone Zone with. Now I'm not trying to ruffle any feathers with that statement, it's just the truth. Think about it... right? Rawt?!? That episode where Zach hooked up with her... I mean, I was totally hopin' he'd ultimately get wit Kelly, but man, knockin' boots with Lisa was a pretty hot change of pace. PUMP!

WOOT.COM PUMP!!

Today, it's a Woot-off. If you don't know what that is, you're missing out. You can catch all the action HERE. If you didn't just click that link, you're missing out. If it is no longer Wednesday, April 28th, then you missed out. This is a timely pump.

NINJA TURTLE CHILD CARE PUMP!!

I really, uh, dunno what to say here. At least the baby looks... happy?

DRUNK GIRLS PUMP!!!

I leave you today with this clip. This song is rad. This video is retardedly amazing. Watch it. Seriously, watch it. If this doesn't pump you up today, I will give you a full refund. Just do it. Don't think. Unthink. Let's party. PUMP!!!

GET PUMPED, STAY PUMPED!!!!

Orangy

2010-04-26T22:08:00.000-05:00

So there's this neighborhood cat that just kinda walks around the block, chillin'. It's friendly as hell, nice and big and soft, and I'd like to believe the cat belongs to the neighbors next door, as it's always generally clean and not looking like a hobo-cat.

(Sidenote: typin' 'hobo-cat made me think of 'robo-cat', which made me think of this.)

Anyhoo, this orange feline sometimes strolls into our yard, usually when I'm outside stretching before I go on a nice long run (around the block). My roommates and I have taken a liking to the cat, and decided to name him Orangy. Orangy is generally awesome, and it's always a nice treat to get a surprise visit from Orangy. Oh, also, the cat is orange. Not sure if I mentioned that.

The other night, a friend and I were outside in the backyard when we spotted Orangy in the alleyway. It was dark out, so we just saw the cat-like profile, a dark figure of a cat just sitting on the edge of the yard. Assuming it was the one and only beloved Orangy, we both started to call for Orangy, to get Orangy to come closer and hang with us.

"Orangy! Here Orangy!"

I really like saying, "Orangy". Let me make sure you're getting it right... it's like, if you were to bite into an actual orange, what would you say it tastes like? That's right, Orangy. I just wasn't sure if that was how you would spell "Orangy", but that's what I've already gone with, so I guess we're good.

ANYHOO, Orangy starts to approach us as we lure him closer with our cat-calls. Wait, are cat-calls something else? I think so, but I'm just sayin' we were calling the cat to come closer.

ANYHOO, Orangy walks up to us, and I run my hand over Orangy's head, then slowly down his neck. As I am petting him, my hand moves over a huge, hard lump on Orangy's back. "EHH!!!", I immediately pull my hand away.

"WTF, there's like a hard, disgusting lump-like deformity on Orangy's back!!" (I said something like that, I don't remember)

We decide not to pet Orangy anymore, but he still sorta keeps hangin' around us. My friend and I go on talking about something else, ignoring Orangy who is sitting behind us. After a while my friend decides to pay some attention to Orangy again, then notices the hard lumps on Orangy's back.

"Oh gross, you were totally right. I think this cat is like dirty, it's hair is all clumpy and weird. Don't touch it, it might have mites."

I felt a little bit offended that my friend would consider Orangy a "dirty cat", as Orangy has traditionally always been clean and well kept, but it was at that very moment when I looked into Orangy's eyes. Both eyes were surrounded by a dark black goo, and the cat's eyes were burning with pure malice and hatred. I think they were bloodshot even. That cat looked like a zombie. And that zombie cat was piercing my soul with those devilish eyes.

THIS WAS NO FUGGIN' ORANGY.

"THIS IS NO FUGGIN' ORANGY!" I yelled. "Ahhhhh!!!!!" my friend screamed, then immediately started crying and peeing, then ran for the house. The devil cat gave me one last look, then leaped away into the night. I'll never forget the terror I felt upon looking into that cat's eyes. Those eyes were dead. That cat was not from this earth.

After we had calmed down a bit and my friend changed into some drier clothes, we realized what we had been dealing with. "It was a freaky, Pet Cemetery Version of Orangy!" I stammered, heart still pounding intensely.

I have since yet to see Orangy, or the freakishly hideous dead cat that looked like Orangy since it walked into our yard that night. I pray that the real Orangy is alive and healthy, and hasn't been reincarnated as a soul-sucking devil cat from hell.

In other news, Bret Michaels, former Poison singer, star of Rock Of Love with Bret Michaels, and all around celebrity douchebag, is suffering from a brain hemorrhage right now and will most likely die. Probably because of this:

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!! - S.U.M.M.E.R.

2010-04-14T11:04:00.002-05:00

Yo, straight up, to my Midwest peeps, get pumped. Now get SUPER PUMPED. Now concentrate real hard and GET THOSE PUMP LEVELS THROUGH THE FREEGIN' ROOF. What's the occasion you ask? Well, besides it being WEDNESDAY, it's also one other special thing...

SUMMER.

Yes my friends, I am officially calling it. Now before you go yelling at me, let me just assure you, it is summer. I've made the call, I'm sticking with it. I understand that we skipped Spring this year. I understand that the lake's not warm enough to dive in quite yet. I understand that there was that one year where I called Summer, then it snowed 3 more times. I've made mistakes in the past, but I'm fully confident in my decision now. It is SUMMER.

Why should this PUMP you up??? Let me count the ways...

PUMP ONE : GRILLING OUT.

I don't know how I even begin to explain how awesomely amazing grilling out is. You know when I most want to grill out? When I am just drivin' along on a nice day, windows down, mindin' my own bidness, when all of a sudden WHAMMO!, my nostrils are filled with the sweet scent of a flamin' grill somewhere off in the distance. Immediately my mind is filled with bratwursts and burgers and shish kabobs and perfectly seared steaks. It's like there are grill marks on my brain. Anytime that delicious aroma wafts in my direction, I get a FOOD BONER instantly. Bust out the charcoal, let's do this.

And the best part is you can grill any day, with anything - if it's made out of food, you can grill it. Feel free to get weird with it, it's totally cool. Chicken? Pork? Beef? Veggies? yepyepyepyep. Pizza? Let's give er a whirl! PUMP!

PUMP TWO: BASEBALL.

America certainly did get it right when they claimed this as our pastime. Nothing like havin' a few brews in the sun, nom noming on a hotdog, hearin' the crack of the bat, just enjoying THE sport of summer.

PUMP THREE : SAND.

Anytime sand is involved, in anything, it's a party. The beach? Hell yes. Fill a cooler and go run around in the sand. Get home and empty the sand out of your shoes - a sure indicator that summer is in full swing. Get one of those hourglasses with the sand in it - well, uh that has nothing to do with anything. But I'm pretty sure sand and summer go hand in hand.

PUMP FOUR: SANDALS.

...and if you've got sand, you bet yer ass you've got sandals. Ah, the feeling of not giving two shits about socks or shoes, slippin' into a comfy pair of sandals. You go from walkin around the house barefoot to out the door and good-to-go in 2 seconds. So easy. Kudos to Jesse Von Sandalton III, who invented the classic footwear. I made that up. One thing to note on sandals: Don't let foreigners fuck wit your sandals, especially while drinkin' milk, or this will happen:

PUMP FIVE: SUNBURNS.

Sunburns just freegin' rule. Ok, they do suck and hurt pretty bad, not really that pumpy of a thing, but hey, what an awesome reminder of a great summer day. A sunburn means that you were having so much fun doing whatever it was you were doing in the sweet summer sunshine that you just couldn't resist an hour or two more outside, baking in the glorious heat. Slap on some aloe vera gel and call it a day, cause you my friend got lobsterized. PUMP!

PUMP SIX: KITES.

When's the last time you flew a kite? Seriously. Go to Super Target, fork out $4, get a kite. Then ya know what you do with that sucker?? You get a nice windy day, find a nice open space outside, preferably next to a nice lake, and you nicely throw that thing up into the beautiful nice blue sky. Nice! Now you're winning. PUMP.

Ok, I just realized that I cannot fully represent the ahmazingness of Summer in just one blog post. It would probably take, um, all Summer to properly discuss Summer. So on to the speed round... I'll just post some more summery fun topics, with a picture to represent...

PUMP: POOL PARTIES.

PUMP: BONFIRES.

PUMP: WATERMELON EATING CONTESTS.

PUMP: SWIMMING.

PUMP: CAMPING.

S.U.M.M.E.R. ---> SUPER. UNBELIEVABLE. MELTY. MAGNIFICENT. ENDLESS. RECREATION.

THAT IS SUMMER.

Now I know you're just sittin' there in your cubicle, the most un-summerlike hell on earth, but just focus on all of the glorious things to come, as mentioned above. Trust me, those things wouldn't be half as fun unless you went through those miserable work days, pushin pencils and givin' in to the man. So GET PUMPED, you've got another KICK ASS SUMMER to look forward to, make this one count. Let's make this the PUMPIEST SUMMER OF ALL TIME. SUMMER OF THE PUMP!!!

Tips for surviving Predator 2

2010-04-12T13:09:00.002-05:00

Tips for surviving Predator 2:

1. When you've got Predator on the ground, appearing dead, and you're holding a shotgun, DO NOT just quietly walk up to Predator and poke him in the chest with the shotgun. YOU BLAST THAT MUTHA FUCKA!!! Stupid Danny Glover.

2. Do NOT rely on Gary Busey to save your ass in the end, when all he's been doing the whole movie is making snide comments and generally be a cocky prick. Busey will die, most certainly.

3. If you think you'll swear your way out of this one, think again: Spike TV has edited the curse words. So for those of you considering calling Predator "one ugly mother..." well, get a new game plan pal.

4. When Predator screams, it's loud as f**k (edited for television), waking up all the old ladies in the apartment building. If you hear a beastly scream, GET THE EFF OUT!!

5. Remember, if you happen to get the upper hand in the ultimate Predator battle, note that he always likes to just give up and self-destruct. I know, it sucks, but just get ready for it. Also, don't try to figure out those little red blips on Predator's self-destruct wrist thingy, cause by the time you do, you'll be all blowed up.

6. If something's a-gunna explode, don't just stand there; dramatically jump out of the way just in time, as stuffs blowin' up just behind you. Whew, that was a close one.

7. All else fails, refer to Predator 1.

Selling Out to the Man

2010-04-09T11:56:00.000-05:00

So we've made some slight modifications around the ol' pBath. Don't worry, all of the meaningless content you've grown to love is still there (occasionally). But one thing I have added is the obtrusive advertisement thingy on the right side of the page. Don't worry, it won't affect anything, and I'm sure you won't click on it, it just means that I've sold my soul to Google. In return, they will be sending me checks for 14 cents every month. Gotta pay dem bills somehow, right? Oh, and whatever cheap product they are advertising right now, you probably need to click on that ad and get. NOW!

LOL I just realized that the ads are tailored to the content of the blog, so unless you are in need of some HYDRAULIC HEAT PUMPS, you might not be clicking on that ad any time soon.

Also, I added a nifty hit counter, just for fun. Now I can somewhat gauge just how many of you are out there, but not really. It pretty much just counts how many times I click on my own blog. Pretty useless, but it might be fun to make that number go up and give this blog the illusion that people other than me are actually reading it.

I wonder if they could make a counter that counts a certain word on your blog? I'm thinking a PUMP COUNTER might come in handy for Wednesdays, just to gauge Pump Levels? Hmm..

Change we can believe in! Thanks for reading!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - NINTENDO!!!

2010-04-07T07:00:00.003-05:00

Ok dudes and dudettes, I've got a pretty big PUMP-ON today for one of my absolute favorite things in life (No, not meat. Or beer. Or boobs, or cheese. Oh, and not bonfires. I just realized those are pretty rad too. You know how you could just stare into a fire for like, ever? And you see something different every time? And the next day when you smell your clothes? Oh man, that smell, it's so good, it's li... ok I'm gettin' sidetracked)

Today, let's get JACKED for one of the greatest inventions known to man, THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM. And oh how that system certainly did entertain!!!

Let's take a look at the mighty ways that this simple machine gets me ABSOLUTELY FREEGIN' PUMPED!!! (ABSO-PUMPIN-LUTELY?!?!)

PUMP ONE: THE GAMES.

Oh those glorious 8 bit games. I remember back in the day there were kids with a SHIT TON of games, I'm talking 50 to 100, and that didn't even scratch the surface. There are now 145,376 NES games in the world. I made that up. But there's a lot.

Rad kid, livin' hard, 1988.

PUMP TWO: THE GAME.

Yes, there were many amazing NES games, but you've got to be fistin' me if you don't agree that SUPER MARIO BROS 3 is the greatest Nintendo ga NO NO, THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME EVER MADE. PERIOD. I specifically remember hearing the news through the grapevine (my older cousins) once they had experienced the sheer awesomeness of Mario 3. In three simple words...

MARIO. CAN. FLY.

This is the game that effed up everything, it was so bad-ass. Nothing would ever top it, for like, uh, a couple months or so. But the effect of that game has lasted a lifetime. I don't even sound like a complete mega-nerd yet, cause I know for DAMN CERTAIN that you yourself have played Mario 3. I KNOW you have. It's just like, life man. If you are tryin' to tell me you've never played a game of Mario 3, just do me a favor and skip on down to PUMP EIGHT. Ok, movin' right along...

PUMP THREE: THE INVINCIBLE CONTROLLER.

As a Nintendo player, you've played Nintendo, and you've gotten angry. Every time I experience a particularly shitty point in a game, my go-to move is to violently slam the controller against the floor or across the room. Chuckin' that controller against a wall and yelling obscenities is a such a stress reliever, so fun. But guess how many NES controllers I've broken in my lifetime??? That's right: ZERO. Why? Cause those things don't break. They're an incredible piece of Japanese hardware, impervious to even the strongest 12 year old's tortures.

If you've ever had to buy another Nintendo controller, it is because you've lost yours or your cousin Greg stole it or you bought a 2 player game or your mom accidentally sold it in a thrift sale. It is NOT because you broke it, because that sir, is impossible.

PUMP FOUR: BEATING RECORDS.

Nothing like crushing your buddy's confidence by beating their top scores, no matter how long it takes you. (Suck it, Ben.)

PUMP FIVE: NINTENDO BLOWS.

There's nothing like a Nintendo not properly playing your games. And the end all remedy, known to kids around the world? Blow into the game. I've almost come to believe that that is half the fun, blowin' into the games (to supposedly clean the dust out of the cartridge)? It's almost like the ultimate rewarding moment once you get that game title screen to come up without errors on your TV. And there was always that one kid who claimed to have "the blow" haha.

"Oh hey guys, I've got this, works every time, I swear." Phhhhhuuuhhhhffff!!!

Man, I think for every hour of a Nintendo game I've played, I've spent 15 minutes blowing into the game, then into the console, just trying to get that sucka to work.

PUMP SIX: THE WIZARD.

Classic Nintendo movie not only starring a young and dreamy Fred Savage, the unveiling of Super Mario Bros 3, and a hot Jenny Lewis (of Rilo Kiley fame), this classic film also featured one of the most mysterious items of Nintendo lore, The Power Glove.

Favorite Quote from "The Wizard": "I love the Power Glove. It's so bad." - Lucas

Second favorite quote: "California." - Jimmy

PUMP SEVEN: THE POWER GLOVE.

Holy shit, this thing looked so bad ass! Do you remember this? A Nintendo GLOVE, covered in fancy buttons and stuff, the ultimate weapon in gaming!! I remember getting really PUMPED about this... til 17 years later I realized that I had yet to ever see one of these things. I think they only made like 4 of them. Plus I'm betting they, uh, didn't work worth a crap. But CHECK OUT THE VID BELOW, (NOW!!!) then kick a coworker in the teeth, you'll be so goddamn MEGA-PUMPED!!! Who knew they invented the Wii in 1990??!

PUMP EIGHT: THE REAL LOSERS.

Whew, what a pumpy subject for HDPU today, eh?! Now I'm going to predict that there's some REAL nerds out there that are sorta, oh I dunno, un-pumped for all this Nintendo talk. As if there was possibly a chance that Nintendo wouldn't pump you up. I usually don't cater to assholes like you, but just in case there are a few of you out there who don't care for the above, here's something un-nintendo-y to pump you up - An awesome pic of a man who bought a kiddy pool, filled it completely with pudding, then took a bath in it. Scroll down and enjoy, haters.

OH SNAP!! I lied, it's just a guy in a PENIS SUIT. My bad. Oh, it may be too late but I forgot to mention, this pic is NSFW, suckas!! In yo face. Get a life. And a Nintendo.

So to all my PUMPY friends, today let's raise a glass (of coffee for those of us at work, tequila for those of us who are not) to the greatest technological invention known to man (and sometimes women, but they generally suck at nintendo [prove me otherwise ladies!].) CHEERS TO NINTENDO!!! 1-2-3- Teeeeaaaaam DRINK!!!!

Keep each other pumped out there!!! And remember, life is not an 8-bit game. It's more like 1 gajillion-bits, but it is a game, so remember to play it hard, do your best, don't cheat (but sometimes get assistance, from let's say a Game Genie), and HAVE FUN!! Stay pumped.

Funny Bones.

2010-04-02T03:43:00.002-05:00

Thoughts on bones.

1. When you bang the shit out of your elbow, aka "hit yer funny bone", there is absolutely nothing goddamn funny about it. It sucks, it is a stinging, sharp pain that seemingly hits you right in the soul. Why some idiot would go and label the smashing of this bone as "funny" is beyond me.

2. The TRUE funniest bone is, inevitably, the boner.

3. Boner died. He's that dude from Growing Pains, Mike Sever's friend, who was always gettin' into some kind of, er, predicament. That's one Boner we're certainly going to miss.

4. Similar to all of this (?) is the term "Bone-head". If you are an idiot or jackass, like the guy who invented the term "funny bone", you are considered a "Bone-head". In reality, all of our heads are comprised of bone, so all of you out there reading this, you are all Bone-heads.

5. Back to boners for a sec, never wear gym shorts to work on Casual Fridays, unless you are me and there are no hotties to be found within your entire office space. I be wearin' gym shorts to work all the time, no boners to be had there. (*Update: part of this statement is no longer true)

6. When you gain knowledge that a friend/coworker/your parents/Kim Kardashian/anyone is about to GET IT ON with another person, you shall from this day forward refer to that as going to "THE BONE ZONE". This magical place known as "THE BONE ZONE" can be referenced in many different ways, including the following examples:

"Hey man, you were really hittin' it off with that Mindy chick at the party last night. You kinda disappeared too. Did you guys go to THE BONE ZONE???"

OR

"Dude, total bummer - she told me she had a boyfriend. I thought I was in fo sho, but turns out I was a hundred miles away from THE BZ."

7. There's a show on Fox called "Bones". Never seen it, but I'm guessing it's about two detectives who solve mysteries by looking at, erm, bones or something. This couple's relationship might also be teetering on the verge of romantic, with a "will they/won't they", Jim/Pam thing goin' on to pique the audience's interest. That's just my guess. Also, I'm guessing you can throw this show into the shit pile with all the other crap on that network (House, Fringe, 24). Make no bones about it, this show probably sucks.

(Ok ok, I guess 24 gets some street cred out there, I dunno, I don't watch any of that garbage. I was really just trying to talk about more "bones" stuff. My big qualm with 24 [again, i know nothing about the show, so settle down]: I THOUGHT THERE WERE JUST 24 HOURS TO DIFFUSE THE BOMB/STOP THE TERRORISTS/SAVE THE WORLD/WHATEVER IT IS JACK BAUER IS DOING?! I mean, what's goin' on there? Haven't there been like 5 seasons of that crap? Shouldn't they have set the bar a lil' higher when starting out the show by naming it, oh, i don't know, 192? That way you've got a guaranteed 8 seasons to finish up being a hero or whatever. I'm sure America has already been filled in on this, but I'm oblivious. Can someone set me straight on that one? In the meantime, I'll just go on hating it.)

BONUS PUMP!!! More Dogs.

2010-03-24T16:38:00.001-05:00

BONUS PUMP BONUS PUMP BONUS PUMP BONUS PUMP BONUS PUMP BONUS PUMP BONUS PUMP BONUS PUMP BONUS PUMP BONUS PUMP BONUS PUMP BONUS PUMP!!!!!

More pumpage for all you dog lovers. GO HERE NOW.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - DOGS.

2010-03-22T12:30:00.017-05:00

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!

Today: Dogs.

First of all, my friend ate a dog. Check it out here.

Second, I just quickly wanted to touch on an issue of great importance to me. Many of you are familiar with the comedy classic 'Billy Madison'. Of course you are. There are countless moments of hilarity and gut-busting LOLs sprinkled throughout that film, however there is one moment that I feel has not justly received the appreciation it deserves. No, it's not the drunk by the pool banter, or 'boys night out' feces gathering scene, or any scene involving the words 'boob', or 'snack pack' or 'Chlorophyll'. The best moment to really stir up some laughs is only a few seconds long, but in my humble opinion (I could have abbreviated that, right? Hrm) it is THE FUNNIEST SCENE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE. I may be alone on this one, but whatev. It totally PUMPS ME UP. Check it out below.

I dunno what it is about it, but it just tickles my funny bone, ya dig? Anyway, since like 6th grade, whenever the occasion comes up where I get to say, "Speak for yourself, moron" I always do it in a gruff doggie voice ala the vid above.

Third - I was going to post a Snoop Dogg video to increase the pump levels, or post some other Snoop-related somethin or other, but I just couldn't find anything pumpy enough that might generate some LOLs. Well, I guess I did find this pic of Snoop wearing an over-sized handkerchief, which is pretty ridiculous, but if you're looking for something more than that, well, uh... just YouTube 'Snoop Dogg stoned' or 'Snoop Dogg talking like idiot' or something, I dunno. For the time being, just imagine blowing yer nose on a rapper's outfit.

BREAKING NEWS: Kelly Osbourne fractures her elbow breaking up a dog fight

Wait wait, okay. First of all, I don't care. Second of all, wasn't she that chubby daughter of Ozzy? Where'd the chubness go? Third, I don't care. Dogs = 1. Lipo'd Ozzy baby = 0.

More dog stuff... umm.. OH! I used to work with this woman, and she would always bring her dog into work (our old office allowed dogs lol). This lady would sometimes dress her dog up in little outfits and shit, it was ridiculous.

There's not many people that I hate in this world, but these doggie fashion bastards, ugh. They've got to go. It boggles my mind to think about the free time/mental energy these people waste to dress up their dogs as if they were miniature retarded humans with fur. Collars, okay, I can see that, unless it's covered in spikes or something, but actual clothes? Man, that really just trips my trigger.
"NO ma'am, your dog's Minnesota Vikings jersey is not cute. NO i don't think it's funny that your dog wore a Christmas sweater to the party. NO i will not take a picture of your wiener dog dressed as a wiener, and NO i will not take a picture of my wiener." Jeezus, these dog-dressing people are just getting out of hand. I guess the only thing possibly worse would be dogs dressing their owners. Or owners dressing like dogs. Woof.

Idiot.

Ok, back to the PUMP UP. It's like a million people's birthdays this weekend, so there will be plenty of PUMPAGE to spread around! I would love to buy all of my good friends dogs for their birthdays in honor of this special HUMP DAY PUMP UP DOG EDITION occasion, but of course that's just ridiculously unreasonable. So I thought of some other ways I could recreate the essence of owning a dog for them:

-Sneak into friend's yard at night. Take a dump in yard.

-Sneak into friend's newly carpeted living room. Take a piss on carpet.

-Find friend who is currently a student, with homework due. Eat homework.

-Find friend who is hot. Lick face of hot friend.

-Find friend who is best friend. Tell that friend I am their best friend. (Note: Friend must be a man.)

See where I'm goin' with that one? Like, dog stuff? Eh, er, yeah.

And finally, to bring this glorious HDPU (doggystyle) to a close, I give you... DOG HUMPS LADY VIDEO. Check out this lady gettin' OWNED by this horny dog. That mutt is really just PUMPIN' on that bitch, arf!

Ok dog-lovers, stay jacked today, be kind to your animals, get pumped, keep on pumpin', and stay pumped! Uh, unleash the pump? Bark at the moon? They say let sleeping dogs lie, but not today. Eff that, wake those fuckers up and tell them to start partying.

It's a dog eat dog world out there people, so uh... eat other dogs, if that's what you're into, and if that's what keeps you pumped!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!

2010-03-17T10:45:00.000-05:00

PUMPpumpPaPUMP papumpypumpPUMP let's do this!!!

Congrats on surviving another half week! Welcome to Wednesday, that glorious midweek point where you may be coastin' along just fine on yer own, but in case you're not and need a lil' reinforcement, we've got the HUMP DAY PUMP UP just for you.

Ok, we've got a lot to go over today, so make sure to take lots o time to go through all this pumpage. Let's get started with some liquid energy. Tell yer boss you need to take a break, visit your local convenience mart/Holiday station/Kum & Go, and pick up one of these bad boys:

This is some serious rocket-fuel!! I think it's more geared for the "hungover" demographic, with a name like 'Recovery', but I think its the perfect pump launchpad, regardless if you tied one on the previous night or not. And only 10 calories! Get jacked!

One other observation I had from putting down one of these suckers the other day was a curious ingredient listed on the top of the can. Sure, you've got your guarine, taurine, ginseng, all completely necessary (?) ...but what's this?? MILK THISTLE?!? WTF. MILK THISTLE. I have NO idea what that is or if it's actually poisonous or made up or whatever, but I don't really care. It sounds kinda bad-ass. Something about combining two words, one of the words being extremely wimpy and sissified, like MILK, and the other being totally ruthless and wicked, like THISTLE. I like it.

Other examples of pussy/wicked word combinations:

Ginger snaps
Patty melt
Pony keg
Cross Skull (haha. Sorry religious people, I'm not trying to say Christians are pussies)
Penis Pump (?)

Ok moving right along, let's get some pumpy tunage goin. Now I know a lot of you indie kids ditched punk rock a few years back, but dust off your old warped tour ticket stubs and chain wallets for a sec and lets revisit this old gem. I don't care if you grew out of your Rancid pants long ago, this song still gets me pumpin'. No there's not video, but just rock this tune and feel your adrenaline start to kick in. Oh I'm gettin' pretty peppy-pumped right now!

One thing to note, I have nothing against California, but something about just beltin' out "Let California fall into the fuckin' ocean!!" just gets me p-p-p-PUMPED everytime!

Oh, I thought I'd throw in a lil' shout out to my man Andrew B. He is always kind enough to share his PUMP levels with me, and I always appreciate his updates. It's good to hear how PUMPED you guys are getting out there. Just this morning in fact, he let me know about the McD's breakfast and 2 cups of joe he put down, all in preparation of HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!! Good on ya, as they say. If you or anyone you know would like to be featured in a HDPU, or have any pump-worthy items to share with the world (well, the 12 people who read this blog), please post in the comments below!

Next item of PUMPness, my oh my...
MEAT NIGHT!!!
This legendary evening of animal treats went down last night, and it was oh so glorious. I've never seen so many meaty combinations on one dinner table before. It got SO MEATY, it hurt so good. I could feel my heart a poundin' as I attempted to chow down on all of these MEAT MASTERPIECES...

Bacon, wrapped in sausage, wrapped in bacon, then barbecued!! MEAT LOG!!!

WINGS! PASTA WITH STEAK! MEGA-MEAT PIZZA!! salad, uh....WITH MEAT!! A Turkey loaf, EXTRA PUMPY!!

Now friends, I feel like I need to explain one of the meatiest things I've ever made to date. THE MEAT CAKE. I remember this starting as sort of a joke, but it ACTUALLY WAS CREATED LAST NIGHT, and I just knew it was something that would stay with me for a very long time. It was my baby; the MEAT ACCOMPLISHMENT of my life, and I was extremely proud.

It started with three mega-meatloaf cakes, with a brown sugar/Worcestershire glaze. (We trimmed it to make it a little more shapely).

Real mashed potato frosting!!

More meaty glaze on top, and garnished with some spinach leaves and parmesan cheese. When we cut into this sucker, I almost shed a tear of joy...

I really can't describe this meat event in any other way than, uh.... EPIC.

PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP.

What am I fergettin'? Oh yes!! IT'S ST. PATTY'S DAY!! Go apeshit!!! An excuse to actually eat cabbage, drink dyed beer, and be a complete asshole all day and night, while wearing the only green shirt you have in your closet! Yeah it sucks for some people that it's on a Wednesday, but holy hell, could you think of a PUMPIER day??? And if your friends are clueless when it comes to the whole HDPU thing, just send em to the ol' pBath for encouragement. Then RAGE! (I'm telling you to rage cause i just read the word 'encouragement' again, and sure enough, smack dab in the middle is 'rage'. Anyhoo...) So yeah, go out, put back some Guinness, grow out your orange hair, overturn a car or two, start a riot, be Irish-like any way you know how. PUMP!*

*The folks here at puddingbath are not responsible for any riot-inducing actions you may actually perform.

And remember, it will NOT be frowned upon on Thursday when you come to work, eyes bloodshot, bruises clearly visible, breath smelling like you downed a bottle of mouthwash even though the liquor odor is still quite present. No one will care, cause it's the day after St. P's. They CAN'T care. It's like, in the Constitution or something. It's like a free pass; America will turn her head the other way in ignorance, so go get yer kicks tonight!

Welp, that should keep ya goin throughout the day. Enjoy the rest of the week, come on back and visit anytime, and remember... When Life hands you lemons, you give Life a swift kick right to the junk and ask for a refund. Cause these lemons, they suck man. Who ordered lemons anyway? They're not even made of meat.

GO GET PUMPIN'!!!

Plantman.

2010-03-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

Plantman video. Hmm. This could be the worst (or best, depending upon what kind of plants you're into) video ever.

This one's a little better...

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - THURSDAY EDITION!!

2010-03-11T13:16:00.004-06:00

YESSSS!!!!

I'm so glad you made it through yet another day of your awesome life, and I'm extra mega glad you stumbled across this lil' ol' blog, on a THURSDAY of all days. Sorry for the lack of PUMP UP yesterday, sometimes ya just get caught up in the mix and ya forget to blog. But let it be known, you shall NEVER forget to PUMP.

So let's catch up. And let's make it super-amazingly pumpy today, cause you're ONE STEP CLOSER to the weekend!!! I hope this helps...

ITEM ONE:

Close yer eyes. Seriously. I don't give two shits if you're at work, or in front of your girlfriend/boytoy, on the shitter on yer iPhone, in front of your parents, whatever. I don't care. Just listen to me, and close yer eyes. Ok wait, I put this in the wrong order. Alright, press PLAY on the video below, THEN close yer eyes. FEEL IT.

Ok, if you're really curious and need to watch the video, well, uh... spoiler alert, it's people from the 90's, dancing shittily, to really shitty graphics, er, from the 90's. Yeah, you're not really missing out on the video. But that SONG, oh my oh my, how PUMPY is that??? I'm seriously thinking of makin' it the official Wednesday theme song. No?

PUMP TWO:

So I got together with some good friends once again to do what we humans do best (besides sleeping and shitting), EATING! On this particular night, the theme happened to be "Dips", so enjoy some pics of the now legendary DIP NIGHT!!!

Taco dip, buffalo chicken dip, hummus dip, guac dip, artichoke dip, crab wontons (w/ dip), reuben dip, veggie dip, dip dip dip... Follow that mega-feast up with some awesome TEAM PICS, and the pumpage is flowin!!

It was a great night of wonderful treats, and I wished I could have stayed longer, but it was gettin' late and I had to dip (ba-dum-ching! [that's the sound of a comedic drum noise])
...And be SURE to check in next week, as we're having... drumroll please... MEAT NIGHT.

I SHIT YOU NOT. A night of glorious meats. Meat everywhere. Come back next week and get meaty.

PUMP THREE:

The greatest indie band of all time, PAVEMENT, has reunited, and is playin St. Paul! Sure you'll obviously check that out, but if you REALLY wanna get pumped, join me this summer on a lil' roadtrip to the PITCHFORK MUSIC FESTIVAL. DO IT. I promise maximum roadtrip pumpage, sweet tunes, pizza, fun, friendship, and other Chicago-ish festivities. PUMP!

(pavement, broken social scene, modestmouse, lcd soundsystem, more to come...)

PUMP FOUR:
I was job-huntin the other day, and lo and behold I came across my dream job!! BONUS PUMP!! I can't wait to start! So glad I found this flyer...

PUMP FIVE: Weird.

PUMP FIVE AND A HALF: WEIRDER.

PUMP SIX: WTF WEIRDEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!

It's like a half man, half dog thing, feeding... uh. I just dunno man. I'm not exactly sure if this kinda thing necessarily PUMPS YOU UP, but I've already posted it and it would be too much work to take it down, so uh... enjoy??

PUMP SEVEN: All dogs go to heaven. Not really, but you can believe that if you want. Faith is important, right? Like the faith I have in YOU my friends, to take this PUMP gift today, embrace it, use it, then responsibly pass the pump along. Coworkers, family, homeless people, Subway employees... THEY ALL NEED TO BE PUMPED. And unfortunately during these tough economic times, not everyone has a PUMP SOURCE. So be someone's guiding light today, and do whatever you can to GET SOME ELSE PUMPED. If you succeed, well, gold star for you, and you have my undying respect and admiration. Play a friendly game of "Hot Pumptato", pass that shit around. Spread that PUMP, as we bring it on home to the weekend...

P.S. WHOA OMG HOLY COW SUPER DOUBLE BONUS PUMP!!!

Someone brought in stuff to make rootbeer floats in the office today. Delicious!! And of course it only reminds me that summer is right around the corner. P TO THE UMP.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - RAIN DELAY

2010-03-10T12:04:00.003-06:00

Oh dudes and dude lovers, thank you so much for checking out the pBath today! I know you're JACKED UP, and SO AM I, but to be honest, the man is trying to hold me down. Full disclosure: I'm at work, and they don't take kindly to folks gettin' pumped, or pumpin' other folks up around these parts. They're limiting my "do nothing but blog" time, and as I didn't get a chance to write a PRE-PUMP post for today, I'm a little behind. Don't worry though, I'll do everything I can to stick it to the man, and WE SHALL PUMP. OH YES WE SHALL. Ain't nothin' gonna keep this PUMP down.

With that being said, we're going to have to have a PUMP RAIN DELAY. I am truly sorry, but hang in there. It IS Wednesday after all, and you've come this far all on your own, so hold tight. Just pretend it's Tuesday, and that there will be EXTRA MEGA PUMPAGE tomorrow.

To be clear, this is NOT a PUMP DOWN, this is just a small delay while we work through some obstacles that are getting in the way (work).

HUMP DAY PUMP UP

2010-03-03T08:32:00.002-06:00

Welcome! Have a seat. How was your Tuesday? Yes, I said Tuesday (yesterday). Mmmhmm, I see. Mine was actually pretty pumpy. I woke up 5 mins before my alarm, wide awake. The shower temperature was just right. I heard THREE great songs on the radio on my smooth drive to work, no stoplights. I walked into the office in a great mood, then some dude brought me a bag of OLD DUTCH KETCHUP FLAVORED CHIPS, holy wow, that made my lunch! A total surprise. All in all, it would be tough to beat that Tuesday, it was pretty goddamn awesome.

But alas folks, we've advanced another day in our lives, and what can you do but GET MORE PUMPED. Sure you can dwell in PAST-PUMPS, thinking fondly of all the fun you had back then, but as they say, the show must go on. Hopefully I can assist you in creating some more PUMPY MEMORIES!

PUMP ONE:

Go ahead and listen to The Flatliners, "Eulogy". Oh, you don't have that song? Well it just so happens I've conveniently posted it below, even with eye candy for you "visual folk". This song pumps me up so much, I pop it on in the car in the morning and ohmygawd it's like lightning flowing through my veins I just wanna keep driving right past the exit to work then past all the exits and just keep drivng holyshit I'mso pumped can't stop no time for punctuation or time to fix grammatical errors i just wanna head straight to PUMPVILLE, population: ME!!

PUMP TWO:

It's currently 7:37am as I type this, and I've already downed a McLarge Freegin' McCafe McPump drink. Picture below. For you HDPU regulars, you'd think I'd just have a stock picture of this, but trust me, I DO take a new photo everytime I McPUMP. Just check out the computer screen in the background, it's these words you're reading now. WHOOAA!! THE PROOF IS IN THE PUMP!

PUMP THREE:

Last night I might have had one of the pumpiest dinners I've ever had. We gathered some good friends, everyone contributed a dish, and we had a Breakfast/Dinner situation goin' on... BRINNER PUMP! (Brinner is a combo of 'breakfast and, ah you get it.) It was so glorious... Pancakes, sausage, crepes with fruit and cream, more sausage, Eggs Benedict, bacon, hashbrowns, MIMOSAS... you name a breakfast item, it was there!!!

PUMP FOUR: Of course this feast was much too large for us mere mortals, so when we were done, what did we do with the leftovers? We created a food work of art. These photos kinda show the progression of what would eventually become Mr. Brinner! CREATIVE FOOD ART PUMP!!

(the making of Mr. Brinner)

(If you can't tell in the last photo, he's skiing)

Dear god I never want to eat again, I was so full of delicious food treats. Definitely PUMP-FUEL for today.

PUMP FIVE:

So coming off that ridiculously meaty feast, I'm ready to power-kick today in the nutsack. My excitement levels are so high, I'm just gonna set the PUMP CRUISE CONTROL and coast through today. After what I'm sure will be a mediocre workday, it'll soon be time to RE-PUMP as I go to the Triple Rock for a show with a good friend. We're goin to drink 100 cocktails, eat baskets of bacon, and watch the Flatliners get that whole fuggin' place just a-pumpin. (Refer to pump number one, above).

All in all, it's a pretty great day to be alive. Also, as I'm sure you've grown accustomed to me getting pretty lazy around these parts and only posting on Wednesdays, go ahead and check out more words of wisdom from yesterday. I wanted to create the illusion that I'd be posting a little more regularly on the ol' pBath. We'll see how that goes haha.

OK, GO GET JACKED WHATEVER WAY YOU KNOW HOW. THANKS FOR READING, KEEP THOSE PUMP LEVELS UP TODAY, REMEMBER THE POWER-KICKS TO TODAY'S NUTSACK, REMEMBER YOUR PUMP FUEL, REMEMBER TO CRANK THE PUMPY TUNES, AND SPREAD THE PUMP THROUGHOUT THE LAND!

Super Target

2010-03-02T09:54:00.000-06:00

So dudes, I get my grocery shoppin' on at the local SuperTarget, cause you just know I love dem shits, ya heard? Yeah yeah, I know some of you out there might consider Target Stores as just another evil corporation, some even going so far as to say Target is worse than Wal-Mart. We all know (or think we know) that to be bullshit, but I recently read an article criticizing Target's wages and benefits, working conditions, foreign suppliers, and effect on local retail communities as just as bad, if not worse than Wally World's. C'mon, really? I guess they've both got their evils, but I always considered Target to be the cooler older brother to Wal-Mart.

Whatever.

Anyway, today I wanted to focus on Super Target as a grocery source. We could be here all day arguing about our morals and shopping habits and this and that, and although I do agree that you could come up with 100 reasons to buy local food from the freshest, most wholesome market rather than a goddamn Target and yada yada, I'm not here to bicker.

You may say that it is more beneficial to shop at ANY grocery store rather than Super Target, but I'm not going to try and debate that, cause in the end we'll all just end up UN-PUMPED.

I'm not going to waste my time arguing whether Targets or Super Targets or SUPER-DUPER AMERI-SIZED TARGETS are awesome or not.

But they are. And here's why...

TOP FIVE REASONS SUPER TARGET RULES.

NUMBER 5 - THE DELI GUY.

This is a completely unreasonable reason to love Super Target, since the most kick-ass, superbly amazing Deli Guy is only behind the counter at my Target and not yours, but I'm gonna go with it anyway. You see there's this dude, an older dude, elderly, probably in his late 60's/early 70's, and this guy KNOWS HIS FRIGGIN' MEAT. I'll walk up to the meat counter, clueless, and he'll just know what to do. When I'm particularly indecisive, BAM!, he slices me off a hunk of some ridiculously delicious angus roast beef or mesquite turkey breast, thinly shaved, cause he knows my style. BOOM, decision over. Sometimes he'll have a witty anecdote or comment on the weather for me, cause he's old and nice and doesn't give any fucks, unlike all these young hot-shot jaded pricks who are only Deli-apprentice dudes and need help with the slicer still, arrgg I hate those bastards. I only want my meat from one man (err, please hold your comments on that one). And don't get me started on the cheeses. I'm from Wisco, so I thought I knew it all when it came to coagulated milk products, but old-man-deli-guy always finds new ways to blow my mind.

Also, he looks a bit like Ed McMahon, so that in itself totally kicks ass. One of these days I'd love a little "Hey-Oh!!" as Ed hands me my pound of thinly shaved honey ham.

NUMBER 4 - FREE FOOD SAMPLE DAY

This usually occurs on Saturday afternoons, as I've recently come to find out, and oh what a treat it is! A free taste of random products, scattered throughout the store. It's almost like a miniature-portioned food treasure hunt! Sure, Sam's Club pretty much dominates when it comes to lukewarm bite-sized morsels arranged on white napkins, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that Target is now hoppin' on the Free Sample, aka "free shitty lunch for the homeless", train.

The only downside about free sample day is the difficult situation that naturally arises after you've eaten your sample. You now somehow have to convince the pleasant woman that you're actually considering buying this shit. "Oh, where did you say these new sesame seed-encrusted bran wafers were at? Aisle 4? Great, thank you!"

NUMBER 3 - THE DRINKING FOUNTAIN BY THE RESTROOMS/CUSTOMER SERVICE AREA

Have you tried this thing? No, seriously. It's the best drinking fountain I've ever come across (that is, until I invent Pop Fountain®. More on that later.) After all that shopping, you need a cool refreshing burst of water in your mouth. Here's what makes Target's better:

-The water is always a perfectly chilled temperature.
-The stream is full and steady, with a perfect arc, ideal for sipping.
-Minimal bending over is required.
-Multiple water-activating buttons, located on both the front and sides of the fountain. Press anywhere for delicious thirst-quenching H2O.
-Drinking water is so overlooked in this day and age. Let all the youngsters guzzle their energy drinks and sugar sodas, while you have a clear lane to the most glorious water dispenser of all time.

NUMBER 2 - MARKET PANTRY

Holy crap, I love this crap. First of all, it's the same exact food that the rich people are eating, only in red and white packaging. Yes. Close yer eyes, stick some Market Pantry Brand Pretzel Sticks in your mouth or your ass or whatever, and I dare you to tell me you can taste the difference. Same goes for everything else, except the soups. They just kinda suck. I don't like soup much anyway, so M.P. is really hurting in this department. But all the other stuff, yum yum, give me some.

I've actually had people look into my pantry at my house and tell me, "Dude, that IS the Market Pantry." Don't believe me? Dig this...

No that is not from the internet or Photoshopped, that is my real pantry, I shit you not. I own THE Market Pantry. I told you I love that crap.

Also, I didn't touch on Archer Farms, as it's essentially the same concept, but one thing I will add is that when I retire someday, you can bet your sweet ass that the name of the place where I will reside will be on... yep, you guessed it, Archer Farms.

And finally, the NUMBER ONE REASON SUPER TARGET RULES....

NUMBER 1 - HOTTIES.

On any given visit to Target, you will spot AT LEAST 3-4 hotties who are relatively close to your age group. And we all know that once you see one of these cuties, you're going to begin fantasizing about bumping shopping carts together with them accidentally in the frozen pizza section, her smiling at you, exchanging some flirtatious banter, then later bumping private parts together in her kitchen while the oven is preheating to cook aforementioned frozen pizza. If you haven't imagined this scenario playing out in your head at least once while at Target, you're lying.

IN ADDITION to this group of lovely girls, you will also find at least 4 more SMOKIN' MOM HOTTIES roamin' around the Target as well. I'm telling you, there's nothing that gets my heart a-beatin' like a stone-cold MILF in the cereal aisle, picking out a box of Special K in her oh-so-cozy-fitting mommy jeans. Meeeowwww.
Super Target is like a cougar den, I'm telling you. It's only fitting. I mean, what is the one thing all hot moms have to do??? PROVIDE FOR THEIR YOUNG. And no other place on earth is going to bring in those hordes of sexy, sexy middle-class Mom-Babes like SUPER TARGET.

The next time you go to a Super Target, you'll see what I mean. By the time you pull into the parking lot, just the sight of all those parked minivans will be boner-inducing in itself.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - PUMP DOWN.

2010-02-24T10:40:00.013-06:00

Oh dudes, this is a major bummer, but I am so UN-PUMPED today, it hurts. Seriously. My PUMP levels are dangerously low. I'm thinking about canceling HUMP DAY PUMP UP altogether today, that's how bad it is. PUMP DOWN!!!

You see, I never go out on weeknights anymore, cause I just can't hang with the youngsters like I used to, but for some god awful reason I thought a "Tuesday Night Fun Fest" was in order. Great time last night, extreme fun was had, but my oh my, I'm paying for it today in the form of a NEGA-PUMP. I'm doing my best to get out of the PUMP PIT, but nothing seems to be doin' the trick...

I tried listening to pumpy music... didn't work.

I tried drinking a 16oz pumpy energy drink... didn't work.

I tried getting positive encouragement from a coworker... didn't work. Major fail.

Even my typical Google image search pictures are lamer than usual today. Sad clown.

So you see my dear friends, I am in serious need of a PUMP INTERVENTION. And I think my only hope is from supporters of HUMP DAY PUMP UP. Please do your part today by donating $10 to the PUMP FUND by texting the word "PUMP" to 90999 I'm totally messing with you don't text I just made it up it's not real you're wasting a text message put down your phone I'm just fucking with you don't be an idiot there is no PUMP FUND (yet) and I'm just going to blow your money on booze and McDonalds don't do it.

But seriously, what you CAN do to help is to take your best shot at PUMPING ME UP. Submit your very own HUMP DAY PUMP UP entry in the comments section below. DO IT. It can be anything - a funny anecdote, a short story of something funny that happened to you at work, a link to a picture of James Brown doing the splits while pissing himself, it doesn't matter! Just let me know WHAT'S PUMPING YOU UP.

Don't worry about grammar or even making sense at all, just do your best to get me pumped. You can keep it totally anonymous (that means YOU, pervert!) so you can post anything you want. Ok, hows about this?? The person to get me THE MOST PUMPED will win a special treat. AND YOU KNOW I DON'T MESS AROUND WHEN IT COMES TO TREATS.

Submit your comment below.

LET THE PUMP-OFF BEGIN.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - McPUMP!!!

2010-02-17T12:03:00.007-06:00

WHOA DUDES.

I was kinda thinkin' I wouldn't post a HUMP DAY PUMP UP today, cause you know, I get lazy, aight?? I was about 1 lame-ass turkey sandwich for lunch away from NOT posting the PUMP when I realized how shitty my lunch was. That is, how shitty my lunch was COMPARED TO THE MOST GLORIOUS LUNCH OF ALL TIME. More on that in a bit.

Yo, first dig this. The very first thing I do today is check the OTHER SOURCE OF HUMP DAY PUMP UP, my buddies' blog. Not only did it get me JACKED, it made me think that we were actually separated at birth. Like, Siamese twins style. Even though we were detached at the weiner, and he was given the "short end of the stick", he is still an amazing human. I still can't believe how we freakishly think the same things at the same freegin' times. Here's an excerpt from his post today, in case you lazy bastards don't click the link above (you really should):

"Out of the corner of my eye, something catches me, it's a MCDONALDS... I got like 8 breakfast sandwiches, like 12 hash browns, and lol I actually got 4 coffees...
As much as I hate to admit it, all that shitty horrible food PUMPED ME UP. "

Back to what I was originally sayin', about the MOST GLORIOUS LUNCH OF ALL TIME, well, it directly relates to his tale of unfulfilled appetite for shitty food. You see, yesterday I had "THE HUNGER". That deep feeling in the pit of yer stomach, where not just any shitty turkey sandwich lunch will suffice. I needed something EPIC. After rounding up a few coworkers, we declared a field trip the local McDonalds establishment to pretty much scour their menu for, well... EVERYTHING. "The Hunger" didn't stand a chance.

Just look at us as we heave BAGS AND BAGS of delicious MickyD's back to the office....

Upon arriving back, we spread our food treasures across the company kitchen table. It was a McMOUNTAIN of wonderful food. I mean, just LOOK at that spread (below)! We were swimmin' in a sea of Angus burgers, golden delicious fries, McDoubles, McChickens, McPies, McWraps, McAWESOMENESS!!!! It was absolutely beautiful. As a tear came to my eye, I actually considered not eating, as it would be hard to ruin such an exquisite display. I just wanted to stare into the abyss of fried foods for all of eternity. Of course I regained my wits, and THE FEAST BEGAN.

And believe you me, we FEASTED LIKE KINGS (and one Queen, lol). Our entire office just REEKED WITH GREATNESS. I've never consumed so much McDonalds in one sitting in my entire life*. My coworkers and I even considered creating a sign-up sheet for time-slots to use the bathrooms haha. It hurt so good.

*this may or may not be true.

Thank you Ronald, thank you.

So today friends, as you stare into the menu of life, do not ponder WHAT to get, but HOW MUCH YOU CAN GET. And if you're truly livin' the PUMPED LIFE, you'll GET IT ALL. Push the limits today, grab life by the McBallsack, and go for it. I'm Lovin' It.

HAPPY PUMPIN' TO ONE AND ALL!!!

The Sandwich Decision.

2010-02-12T10:55:00.008-06:00

So I walk into Subway, and I've got THE HUNGER, yo. Of course I decide to rock a $5 footlong, but which one?? Such a dilemma. I decide I've been on a Spicy Italian hiatus, so I order that. The "sandwich artist" slaps the meat on the Monterrey cheddar bread, then slides that hog down to what I like to call the "Fixins Zone". Just as he starts gently applying the shards of lettuce to the sambo, I look up and see the bright sign that reads "New! $5 Footlong - Steak and Cheese!".

You've gotta be fisting me. Un-fuggin-believable. NOBODY FREEGIN' TOLD ME THE GREATEST SUBWAY SANDWICH OF ALL TIME IS ONLY FIVE DOLLARS. WTF. What a punch to the cock. Those things are usually like 9 bucks. I'm almost in tears. The agony.

"You want tomatoes or pickle??" the Mexican sandwich-craftsmen asks. I regain consciousness, having just been floored by my poor decision in footlong choice.

"I.. uh, yeah... NO, WAIT." I reconsider everything in life at that moment. "No. No lettuce. Can you actually take the lettuce off of there?" I ask.

"You no want lettuce? Ok." says Julio the Sandwich Artist (I guessed on the name) as he scraps the lettuce off my Spicy Italian and back into the lettuce bin.

Then I stammer, "Uh, can I actually, uh... not get the Spicy Italian?"

Julio gives me a quizzical look. "No Spicy?"

"Yeah, I kinda, um, changed my mind. I didn't know the steak and cheese was $5... can I get that instead??"

Julio, the Picasso of Sandwiches that he is, gives it a moment to think about it. He stares long and deep into my eyes, probably determining in his mind that I'm just some sort of novice, inexperienced sandwich orderer. He then looks around and realizes its a slow night, and no one really gives a damn. He tosses the slab of salami and whatever other meat is in the Spicy Italian back into the meat bin, then warms up a glorious Steak and Cheese sub for me.

"Ah, crisis averted," I think to myself as I pay for my footlong at the register. I go home completely satisfied with the tastiest Subway sub of all time, and with only $5.49 less than when I walked into said Subway. Well worth it. Life is good. All is right in the world. And to all a good night.

This story would be all well and fine if it were true. It is not. In actuality, I fucked up and really did order a Spicy Italian. I really did see the Steak and Cheese sign as it was too late, the lettuce had already been applied over the salami and whatever else meat is on it. The Sandwich Artist really was Mexican, that part was true. The real story ends as I go home completely dejected, eating what I consider a mediocre sub that pales in comparison to the warm deliciousness of the Steak and Cheese.

Nothing stings more than the pain of a mis-ordered dinner. You work hard all day, just to get the small satisfaction of combating that deep hunger growing in the pit of your belly with a solid decision in cuisine. I failed. Miserably. My sandwich could have been so much meatier.

But the pain doesn't stop there. Today they tell me that ANY GODDAMN FOOTLONG is 5 bucks now, during the Olympics. It's like God is kicking me in the groin for a second time. Horse shit. "But you could just go and get a $5 Steak and Cheese today," my friends tell me. WRONG. BULLSHIT. THAT'S NOT THE POINT. I don't think they understand that for one fleeting moment, a miracle occurred - the heavens opened up, the sacred steak sandwich was special, it was a rare chance of a lifetime to get it for only $5 during that instant. And I made the mistake of not ordering it. I'll never get that sandwich moment back, I have to live with it for the rest of my days. I have few regrets, but I'll always remember that night, where I clumsily made the worst decision of my life.

So you see, life is like a sandwich my friends, you have a choice between Ah fuckit, there's no moral to this goddamn story, I'm just pissed off. Happy Friday.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - BEARDS!!!

2010-02-10T10:35:00.006-06:00

Yes indeedy, Wednesday is here, let's get PUMPED!

Alright dudes, I love camping. And usually when I go camping, I'm feelin' all manly and shit, generally less clean, wearing my comfy camp clothes, and FERK NO I'm not going to shave! Camping and shaving don't mix, fools. The only problem is, I can't grow a beard for shit.

Seriously, I don't get my friends who walk around with freegin' wolverines on their faces, all thick and bushy and crap. I don't have beard-envy or anything... actually I don't even know what I'm talking about here, but it's 10:50am and I haven't started the HUMP DAY PUMP UP and I'm kinda struggling for an intro to today's pump. In all honesty I just wanted to show you guys some pictures of funny beards, I didn't want to have to think or anything today. So let's just skip right ahead to the good stuff.

Enjoy these Masters of Man-hair, these Champions of the Chin, these Freaks of the Facial Follicles!!! PUMP!

Let's start things off with this guy. He's got the rolls going, very Slinky-esque. For some really weird reason his beard makes me hungry. I'm not even going to try to explain that, but I'm thinking about cookies right now, I dunno. I'll give this beard a 7.

What a pussy, could have gone for the 'Octo-Beard', but nooooo! This guy is amateur at best. 4 on the Beard Scale.

Ah yes, ICE BEARD! A highly creative style, often involving just the right temperatures and conditions for this rare beard to appear. Not many are lucky enough to spot this true beard treasure. I'm gonna go with an 8.5.

This is a pic of my uncle Roy, he's an asshole. I'm not sure why I included it on here. Uncle Roy is English, doesn't believe in modern hygiene, and is generally terrifying. I award you no beard points Uncle Roy, see you at Christmas.

Oh, what a treat we have here. This guy has a windmill in his beard. Again, this guy has a windmill in his beard. This is on an entirely different level of crazy. Can you imagine this guy ordering a Grand Slam from Denny's, or some equally-as-awkward situation??? I give it a 9.

AND LAST BUT FINALLY NOT LEAST MY FRIENDS....

CHECK THIS SHIT OUT. I'M TELLING YOU. THE PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WATCH MY VIDEOS I POST HERE IS SITTIN' AT ABOUT 37%, I UNDERSTAND THAT, BUT JUST CLICK THE LITTLE 'PLAY' BUTTON BELOW. IF YOU DO, I PROMISE YOU THE GREATEST BEARD OF ALL TIME. SERIOUSLY. A TEN. A PERFECT TEN. WATCH IT!!!

P-P-PUMPITY PUMP PUMP PUMP!!!!!

NOW IF THAT DIDN'T GET YOU JACKED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL. Life is too short to not design your facial hair. Go out there an LIVE today, my friends. Hopefully this will boost yer pump levels. HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!

Inside Joke.

2010-02-05T10:58:00.001-06:00

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - Awkward Family Photos

2010-02-03T10:45:00.001-06:00

Welcome once again to another glorious Wednesday!! Since you've made it this far, you may as well get PUMPED the eff right UP!!! I don't know about you, but my friends really get me PUMPED. I'm sure you can say the same, right? But ya know what PUMPS ME UP even more than friends?!? No, besides food. And sleeping. You got it... FAMILY.

What's gettin' my PUMP LEVELS UP today?!? Well I'll tell ya - GODDAMN AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS!

True, I stole these from another site on the interwebz, but whatev, I'm sure you don't mind. Alright, peruse through these classic photographic gems, slam a 5-Hour energy, punch a coworker in the face, and GET PUMPED!!!

This was taken in my home town.

"What's on your mind Brad?"
"Oh, just myself. With my clarinet."

Awesome. Just, awesome.

As easy as it would be to insert a joke here about how Debbie fell asleep in the tanning bed again, I'm going to go ahead and note that Ricky's shirt says, "I (heart) Balls."

Unfortunately Grandma Swine Flu had to stay inside for this one.

Where's Donnie???

The photographer wanted little Jennifer to naturally lean against some sort of prop, but they were all out of anything that wasn't a trash can.

Oh, the horror.

I think this one really captures the warm, smothering feeling of a Father's love.

Kudos to the shutterbug who captured this magnificent moment of a kid eating it, hard.

LOL, these lesbians have nothing to hide. Well, except their love.

Ah yes, the classic "C'mon, dad, please don't freak out again!!" look in her eyes.

And last but certainly not least... The All-American family, including Grandpa, who always considered pants optional. The kettleballs add a nice touch as well.

HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP TO ALL!!!
Stay Pumped.

HOTTIE OF THE WEEK

2010-01-29T11:18:00.006-06:00

Susanna Hoffs

Susanna Lee Hoffs (born January 17, 1959) is an American vocalist, guitarist and actress. She is best known as a member of the all-female pop band The Bangles. Also, she is extremely hot.

"Walk Like an Egyptian" was a number-one hit by The Bangles in 1986. In a popular scene from the video, Hoffs was filmed in a close-up where her eyes moved from side-to-side, looking left and right. When asked about the scene in an interview, Hoffs explained that she was actually looking at individual audience members during the video shoot, which took place with a live audience. Looking directly at individual audience members was a technique she used to overcome stage fright, and she was unaware that the camera had a close-up on her while she was employing this technique, switching between one audience member on her left and one on her right.

Had I been one of those audience members, I'd have a boner for sure.

Growing Pains

2010-01-28T11:13:00.001-06:00

Hump Day Pump Up: Gay.

2010-01-27T09:21:00.007-06:00

Today's HUMP DAY PUMP UP is short and sweet. And extremely flamboyant.

A coworker sent me this lil' gem of a clip, and I'll just flat out go ahead and say it, it's the gayest thing I've ever seen. No, I'm not trying to be offensive or anything, but seriously, watch this clip with a straight (haha) face. I DARE you!

(oh, also, YouTube wouldn't let me embed this sucker in the blog, so you're going to have to do some actual work today and click the link. I know half of you won't, cause you're lazy, and sucky, but for the other half, you will be greatly rewarded with LOL's. I promise.)

CLICK HERE TO GET WEIRD.

And for all the lazy, sucky people who didn't just click that link, well... yeah, I guess I'm kinda lazy and sucky today too, I don't really blame ya. This HDPU really isn't my best effort, I'll be honest. But you DID come to visit, expecting to get PUMPED, so I've gotta provide you with SOMETHING. Anything. Um, okay, here, take a look at some crazy weird horse photos. Yeah, that's the ticket. Look at those CRRRRAZY horses! Man, that gets me pumped!

Oh those silly horses. Yep, that's it folks, that's all I can muster today. Try to make the most out of it.

Oh shit, BONUS PUMP!! I wasn't going to add this, but a classic joke just popped into my brain, that kinda ties this PUMP UP all together...

"What do you feed a gay horse??"

Answer: "Haaaaay!!!"

...hmmm, okay, I think that joke didn't go over so well typed out. I really think you need the limp-wristed visual to get the full affect. Welp, you're in luck! Here's my friend (and by 'friend' I just mean some hilariously retarded dude I found on YouTube) performing the aforementioned classic joke. Half-assedly.

Haha, what's with that editing between the joke and punchline? Was that really necessary? And why would anyone record that and put it on the internet?!? I don't know. But then again, look at this blog LOL. I'm not really contributing much to society either.

HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!!

The Legend of The Greatest Band EVER... The Story of SAGE.

2010-01-21T14:14:00.006-06:00

Back where i'm from, we have this band.

Wait, let me start over.

Back where I'm from, we have THE GREATEST BAND THAT HAS EVER EXISTED IN THE HISTORY OF MUSIC BEING PLAYED IN SMALL TOWNS.

You see, in ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, in Osseo, Wisconsin there lived a group of dudes who decided one day that they wanted to rock. Rock HARD. And rock they did. They started a band, and ROCKED THE SHIT out of every town within a 20 mile radius. Ok, well, they sort of COUNTRY-ROCKED THE SHIT out of those towns. But anyway, they brought the goods regardless. This band of local legends was known throughout the land as the incomparable, unparalleled, unequaled, unsurpassed (thank you Thesaurus), the one and only... SAGE.

Yes, the SAGE BAND. (Imagine thunder crashing and lightning bolts and dinosaurs eating each other and shit when you read that... "THE SAGE BAND!!" crash boom bing.)

If you've grown up in the town of Osseo, you know and love this band. It's just a part of your history, a part of YOU. This band has been going strong for countless years. I mean, my MOM would go to their shows when she was in high school, so if I did the quick math, that would have been like 70 years ago. And they're STILL GOING STRONG.

These boys know how to really bring the heat, with their unique blend of classic rock, oldies, and a lil' bit o' country. Their live show throughout the years has become nothing short of superb. SAGE would catch you by surprise, too. One minute you're just sippin' on a bottle of Pabst, enjoying their version of 'Satisfaction' by the Stones, then all of a sudden HOLY SHIIIIIT, SAGE would just start rippin' into "I'm in a hurry to get things done...", a real hum-dinger of an Alabama song. Follow that up with a lil' 'Authority Song' by the Cougar, or "Horse with no Name", and you're a-rockin' so hard, you won't know what the eff is up or down. Complete musical bliss.

Oh, did I forget to mention SAGE is a cover band? Yeah yeah I know what you're thinking, but FORGET THAT, this band is the greatest. Of all time. In any genre. Ever. BELIEVE IT. It's almost as if they wrote these songs before the real artists did, which is probably true for most of the jams on their setlist. You'd think 'Fishin' in the Dark' was by Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, but you'd be wrong. That's a SAGE original.

So anyhoo, the reason I'm all jacked up and gettin' amped today is because this weekend, I'm headin' back to my ol' stompin' grounds, and none other than THE GREATEST (cover) BAND OF ALL TIME will be performing at one of the local bars. You have no idea how PUMPED I am!!! This is like, my life band or something. This band IS my hometown. I wish I could invite everyone to come and witness the most glorious display of beer-guzzling good-time live music you've ever seen or heard. Oh, wait, I can. BE THERE!

CLICK HERE FOR SAGE THIS WEEKEND.

Let's party. *

(*Warning for all you city folk - this is towny livin' at it's best. Don't expect any tight pants. Don't expect any 'Vampire Weekend' covers. Don't expect teeth, or overpriced drinks, or non-smoking areas, or any bullshit. This is the REAL Wisconsin deal. Live it.)

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!

2010-01-20T10:22:00.023-06:00

P-P-P-P-PUMP IT UP!!!

Welcome to Wednesday, that glorious mid-way point in your week where you can just smell the weekend right around the corner! Let's get pumped.

PUMP ONE:

Speaking of smells, check this out. BACON SCENTED CAR AIR FRESHENER.

"Excuse me officer, is there a problem?"
"Yes sir, the reason that I pulled you over today is that, uh... well, um...to be honest, your car smells like meat heaven."

If you actually click that link, you can buy these suckers for only $1.17. Do it. You're welcome. PUMP!!

PUMP TWO: New Year's Resolutions are bullshit. However, I did make it a sort of personal goal to cut back on my caffeine intake for the new year. You see we have this mini-fridge in our office room, and this fridge is always chock-full of delicious delicious Mountain Dew. In an unprecedented display of sheer willpower, I'm going to limit myself to just TWO cans of Mountain Dew per week. (Impossible, I know). Well GUESS WHAT PUMPERS?!?!?! TODAY IS MOUNTAIN DEW DAY. I'm suckin' one down right now as I type this. P to da UMP!!!

PUMP THREE:

I just saw 'The Hurt Locker'. Effin' A man, this movie RULES. Put it on yer Netflix, like, NOW. It's about a bomb squad unit in Iraq, where every day their lives are put on the line as they defuse bombs, face insurgents, do other stuff that has you on the edge of your seat, etc. Anyway, there's this rad scene where one of the robots designed to disable this bomb malfunctions, and things take a turn for the worse. Check it out below, PUMPED:

Ok, now seriously, check that shit out. I mean it. I know you didn't watch it the first time, so I'll give you another chance. This scene is so intense! Watch it! Now!

C'mon people, it's 3 freegin' seconds long, just watch the damn clip!! (And if you've watched it twice now, give it a go one more time, just for overkill. It gets better every time, I swear!)

PUMP FOUR: I just got done watchin' 'Always Sunny in Philly' the other night, then was about to head to bed when I flipped on the the news. Something was not quite right...

PUMP FIVE: And finally, for our last pump... What's up America? Still not over this singing/dancing/reality TV crap, huh? Well if you think AMERICA'S got talent, you should check out the Russians!! PUMP!!!

Hang in there, the weekend is almost here!
HAPPY PUMPIN' EVERYBODY!!!

Life Chart

2010-01-18T11:04:00.001-06:00

I'm with Coco.

2010-01-15T09:53:00.006-06:00

Get your very own "I'm with Coco" T-shirt HERE!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP - NEW YEARS EDITION!!!

2010-01-06T10:40:00.014-06:00

Welcome to the New Year! And more importantly, welcome to Wednesday!! I know you all are depressed about returning to work after that kick ass time you had over the Holidays, but don't fret! It's a new year, a new start, full of hopes and dreams and aspirations and... ok nevermind, this intro is lame, I really didn't work hard at it. SO let's move right along to the HUMP DAY PUMP UP: TOP 5 THINGS TO GET PUMPED FOR IN 2010!!! Let's Rock!!

That's right, I said THE HUMP DAY PUMP UP: TOP 5 THINGS TO GET PUMPED FOR IN 2010!!!

Number 5: Another Year Chock Full of Great Movies.

And not just any movies either. These (ahem) films will guarantee to be chock full of big-time-hollywood-CGI-blow-em-up-computer-bullshit!! Seriously, I love watching fake-ass computer generated metal images twist and writhe around on screen for 2+ hours (see Transformers) FML.

What's to come: Alice in Wonderland, Another Goddamn Twilight Movie, Another Goddamn Harry Potter Movie, Iron Man 2, Tron, Another Goddamn Narnia Mo.. holy shit! TRON?? PUMP!!!

TRON dude.

Number 4: More stupid commercials.

Yes, the Snuggies will get dumber. Yes, Chevy Truck Month has been extended through June. Yes, we are not quite done with the reality TV craze, so we will be advertising this season's new fall lineup of 'The Biggest, Fattest 5th Grade Loser', 'Fellating With the Stars', 'Extreme Makeover: Michael Jackson's Remains Edition', 'Survivor - New Jersey', and 'The Amazing Racist'.

(Ya see what I did there? Just took already popular reality shows and... okay, moving on.)

Number 3: Deaths.

What would a good year be without some celebrities biting the dust? Scheduled to die this year:

Amy Whinehouse. Duh. You're telling me she didn't manage to die last year?!

Dead.

John Travolta. Dead. Oh whoops, my bad. Correction, John Travolta will not be scheduled to die in 2010, but his career will be.

Dead.

The Dude Who Plays Alfred in the New Batman Movies. Seriously, such a bummer man. Loved that guy. Plus this totally ruins future Batman films. That is, until they decide to get the dude who plays Geoffrey Butler on The Fresh Prince...

2Pac. Realizing that he made more money from record sales when people were under the impression that he was dead, Tupac Shakur makes the decision to actually go for it this time.

Dead.

Number 2: The Packers Winning the Super Bowl.

Wow, who would have thought that with just a mere 2 years at the helm, Aaron Rodgers would lead this young Pack team to victory over the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLIV? But yes my friends, this will happen. Most certainly.

Ok, ok, maybe this one is a long shot, but I had to include it, just for the slim chance of an 'I told you so' moment to be posted on the Pudding Bath on Feb. 8th, 2010.

And the Number 1 Thing to Get PUMPED About in 2010?!?!?:

McDonalds now has... (drumroll please) A DOLLAR BREAKFAST MENU! I shit you not. I am so goddamn pumped about this. There's a MickyD's literally just across the street from my office, which means on any given HDPU I can walk over there, spend $2, and get not only a delicious sandwich with sausage in it, but ALSO a delicious burrito with sausage in it.

You might as well toss those New Year's Resolutions aside. Who were you kidding? Lose 10 effin' lbs? You thought that would actually happen? Nonsense. Keep gettin' your McPump on, keep suckin' down those tasty McDoubles, and keep raisin' yer head high as an American. PUMP!

HERE'S TO A GREAT 2010!! STAY PUMPED EVERYBODY!

Google Suggestions...

2009-12-22T15:44:00.007-06:00

HUMP DAY PUMP UP ABOUT LEONARD.

2009-12-15T21:26:00.014-06:00

Jeezus, I haven't PUMPED (much less blogged AT ALL) since before Thanksgiving?!?!

Ouch.

My bad, sorry dudes! So what is new? How if life? Is your job still going well? No? Aw shit man, sorry to hear that. Are you still workin' at... oh. Whoops, sore subject, sorry I didn't mean...ah, alright, we'll talk about something else...

Actually no we won't, nevermind. So you think your job sucks balls, eh? You think you've got it bad? YOU THINK IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE THAN YOUR SHITTY 9 to 5 HORSESHIT JOB??!?!? IS YOUR JOB HORSESHIT??!!

Ok, sit down, get comfortable, I'm a gunna tell ya a little tale. No frills this week, no stupid pics, just a tale from the vault.

There's this family friend, who... well, I wouldn't even consider a friend, but maybe he's somehow related to my family? I don't know, whatever, but anyway, there's this guy, let's call him Leonard, who was always at some of the bigger family get-togethers when I was a child. Leonard was about 50 or 60 years old (which reminds me, I'm really bad at judging old people's ages...AND young people's... is that kid 5 or 2??? I dunno, I'm bad at that shit!) and to me seemed a few bricks short of a load, if ya know what I'm saying? Like, Leonard wasn't all there. But a nice fellow nonetheless. Always smiling, always seeming to take whatever life threw at him. I distinctly remember that he was missing a few of his teeth, so you'd see these black holes in his grin every time one of the grandparents told a joke. I think he wore suspenders too, but I might have made that up. But not the teeth part, that is absolutely true.

Anyhoo, every year where Leonard lived, there is a little towny parade during the summer. And I'm talking SMALL TOWN here. If you know where I'M from, (small town Wisconsin), think SMALLER. And if you know Wisconsin, it's AUGUSTA. Fuck that town. Anyway yeah, they have this little parade in Augusta every summer, during the BEAN AND BACON DAYS celebration (How Wisconsin is THAT?! But other than the naming of the towny fest after the two best food groups, that town seriously does SUCK) and EVERY YEAR that I could remember when I was a kid, say from like age 5 to...age 10? (I told you I'm bad with kid numbers) this guy would be IN the Augusta parade. Why was Leonard in the Bean and Bacon Days Parade you may ask? And what does this have to do with YOUR SHITTY HORSESHIT JOB??? YOU DID SAY YOUR JOB WAS HORSESHIT, DIDN'T YOU?!?!

Well my friends, every year for the parade Leonard was honored with the celebrated job of dressing in a full clown costume, carrying around a giant shovel, and following the horses around all day, scooping up their feces. Yes. Not only did he have the lowly honor of picking up horse shit all day, but the parade committee had the nerve to take measures and absolutely make sure Leonard could be differentiated from the town's other common-folk by dressing him in full CLOWN attire. Red nose. Big shoes. Big shovel. I shit you not.

(Possible overheard conversation at parade) "Leonard? Who's Leonar...OH, YOU MEAN THE OLD GUY WITH THE MISSING TEETH, DRESSED IN THE CLOWN SUIT, SCOOPING FUCKING HORSESHIT ALL DAY. Yeah, I know Leonard. For a minute there I thought you were talking about someone else..."

Now THAT my friends, is a truly, completely, absolutely HORSESHIT JOB.

This memory from my childhood seems burned into my brain. Every year we'd check out the parade, and every year Leonard would be there, in the parade, doing his thing. I even think he received some sort of small pride from this deed. Yeah, now that I think about it, he had to be getting SOMETHING out of it, right? This guy did it like 3 or 4 years that I can remember!

So years and years pass by since... it's probably been about 15 years since I last attended the Augusta Bean and Bacon Days parade (yes, a link! To prove the validity of this shitty event. And yes, that shitty website is a good summary of shitty Augusta). I come back home to Wisconsin to attend my Grandma's 80th B-day Par-tay at the golf club. We eat, have cake, then after the usual small talk with old relatives and friends I haven't seen in a while, I decide to head to the club bar with a few of my cousins to have a beer. As we're all sitting there, reminiscing at the bar, WHO sits down next to us?? Well it just happened to be our dear old friend, the shit-scooping clown guy, Leonard.

Haha, he has a beer and we do the awkward small-talk thing (Where do ya live now? How bout that weather? I mean, what the hell do you talk about with someone who you only recall as a dude who cleaned up horse waste in full clown garb when you were a kid?). Then the inevitable topic pops up. My cousin blurts out, "Remember when we were kids Leonard, and you were in the parade as the clown with the shovel???" And wouldn't ya know it? With a chuckle, Leonard responds...

"Oh yeah of course I remember! I still do that every year!"

Wow.

EVERY YEAR.

STILL.

CLEANING.

SHIT.

IN A GODDAMN CLOWN SUIT.

So my dear friends, the moral of the story is, no matter HOW BAD you've got it, no matter HOW MANY times you've put on the same tie or sent the same email or pounded the same nail or stood behind the same gas station counter or had the same meeting or kissed the same ass or WHATEVER... please keep in mind,

YOU ARE NOT DRESSED UP LIKE A COMPLETE JACKASS, MINDLESSLY CLEANING UP SOMEONE ELSE'S SHIT FOR YEARS.

(Or ARE you??)

Here's to makin' it through one more Wednesday! Sometimes you have to see the negative, opposite side of being pumped to actually get pumped. Sometimes you have to take some shit in order to see the bliss in life. And I hope all of you can appreciate the shit-scoopers out there. I encourage you all to hug a Leonard today. Good luck to you all!

PRE-THANKSGIVING HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!

2009-11-24T22:21:00.014-06:00

FIRST OF ALL,

There is just WAAAAAY too much stuff to be pumped about today. It's Wednesday. And normally that would mean that we're at the oh-so-precious midway point in the week. Normally that would mean your work week is half-complete, yet half-unfinished. Normally you would be kinda excited you made it this far, yet still a little bummed that you have a few more days of the 'same ol' same ol' left. Well I've got news for you...

TODAY IS NOT NORMAL.

Oh no, my friends, today is not just any day. Well yeah, sure, it's HUMP DAY PUMP UP, but we are also on the verge of Thanksgiving. Ladies and gentlefolk, I'd like to unveil a lil' something I'd like to call the HUMP DAY PUMP DAY TURKEY DAY PRE-PUMP!!! I'll say it again, THE HUMP DAY PUMP DAY TURKEY DAY PRE-PUMP!!!

We all know what's comin' tomorrow, and we're all gettin' considerably PUMPED I'm sure. Let me just boost your PUMP LEVELS today by providing you with a small taste of what is yet to come tomorrow, a little preview if you will, of one of the most ridiculous(ly awesome) holidays of all time...

(Sorry for this pic... do people really pray like this? It looks like a séance or something...)

So just close your eyes and imagine (okay, you can open your eyes I guess, you know... to read this) you're sitting at the dining room table at xxxxxx's house with all the relatives, trying hard to explain exactly what it is you do at your job to your Uncle from xxxxxxxx, while the TV is on in the background with the xxxxxxs vs. xxxxs game on. Then Grandma appears with the holiest, meatiest, most tastiest of birds ever known to man (not counting chicken). TURKEY PUMP!!!

OH DEAR GOD just look at that buttery delicious meat masterpiece, all juicy and hot and turkey-smelling. MMMMMM. Sure, no one's turkey actually looks like that, it's a goddamn internet picture, but hey, the thought is in yer head now, innit?? And what about all the fixins??? HUMP DAY PUMP DAY TURKEY DAY PRE-PUMP ROLL CALL:

STUFFING? PUMP.

MASHED POTATOES? PUMP.

CRANBERRY STUFF? PUMP.

GRAVY? PA-PA-PA PUMP.

CARELESSLY COVERING EVERYTHING ON YOUR PLATE IN GRAVY?? MEGA-BONUS PUMP!

PUMPKIN PIE?? PUMPKIN PIE WITH A DOLLOP OF WHIPPED CREAM??? WAIT, NO, MOM'S PUMPKIN PIE CHEESECAKE?!?!?! SUPER-BONER-INDUCING-ABSURDLY-AWESOME PUMP!!!

After I've gorged myself on that Thanksgiving feast, it's time to hunker down in the living room (heads up, get there early to get a good seat!) and watch the Packer game! Un-buckle the ol' belt, kick your feet up, and watch the Pack trounce the Lions. Ah, life is good. FOOD/SPORTS COMBO-PUMP!!!

And of course, right on cue, ol' uncle Roger dozes off around halftime and begins a snorin'...

Everyone laughs at first, but then the Tryptophan kicks in, and within a half an hour EVERYONE in the living room is zonked. We have now ventured into that sleepy time, post dinner haze... FAMILY TEAM-SLEEP PUMP!!!

After all the relatives begin to wake up again, it's time for the next phase of our lil' tradition. Now what would Thanksgiving be without a nice, friendly family GRAVY WRESTLING MATCH out in the backyard?? Here's a pic from last year's match, where uncle Bob finally got his revenge and put the hurtin' on uncle Roger after he stole his favorite living room seat during the Packer game... RELIEVING-AWKWARD-FAMILY-TENSION PUMP!!!

After the dust clears and the cousins start headin' home, tinfoil-wrapped leftovers in hand, it's time to head to the local bar to spend some quality time with the "second family", the good friends who are ready to pump the jukebox full of money, share some laughs, and tell a good holiday tale over a cold one. Maybe they'll even buy ya a shot or two...and you thought there'd be no more TURKEY???....

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE, STAY PUMPED, GET AWESOME, EAT, DRINK, SLEEP, GET UP, GET AWESOME AGAIN, SAY HI TO THE FAM FOR ME!!!!

Cokie The Clown

2009-11-20T12:04:00.000-06:00

NOFX | MySpace Music Videos

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!!

2009-11-11T07:59:00.009-06:00

SHIZZAM! And just like that, we're at Wednesday! You know what that means... "CALLING ALL PEOPLE WHO NEED TO GET PUMPED!!!" This week has been a doozy already, so let's get right to it...

First off... you all know how I just GOTS ta have my McPUMP on a HUMP DAY! I'm talkin bout a ridiculously Large sized Iced Coffee, yo. Nothing gets those energy levels a-risin' and those bowels a-movin' like these McCafe drinks!

BUT HOLD THE PHONE... BONUS PUMP!!! As I was just enjoying my too-large-for comfort caffeine treat, I stumbled across this on the interwebz...

Tell McDonalds McCafe your coffee story and you could be in to win!

Ever had anything truly strange, mindblowing, life-changing happen over a cup of coffee? Ever drunk a coffee in an amazing place? Or shared some beans with someone really famous?

Tell us your best coffee story by emailing coffee@tvnz.co.nz

The Breakfast crew will choose three winners each week until December 11, who will each take away a $50 McCafe voucher.

WHOA! "Ever had anything truly strange, mindblowing, life-changing happen over a cup of coffee? "... How about EVERY GODDAMN WEDNESDAY?!?! I think it's about time the fine pump-creators at McDonalds hear about HDPU. I just know it will jack them up beyond belief to the point where they will just keep sending me vouchers for McCafe shit, and I in turn will just keep gettin' more PUMPED, and they'll keep sending MORE coupons, and... FULL PUMP CYCLE!!!

Ok, whew. The thought of winning all that pumpage just got me so damn pumped. Let's move on. LOLz I love this random pic, so creepy strange. WTF PUMP!!!

Actually let's keep the WTF pumps goin' with this kid, gently nuzzled up next to a giant old man-seal thing. DEAR GOD, this freaks the shit outta me, but regardless, it gets me AMPED just the same! MANatee PUMP!!!

Finally, what would Wenesday be without GRAVY?? Well, uh, you don't have to answer that, I was just trying to intro this next clip, and really didn't have any good ideas. Sorry about that, please don't let it affect your PUMP.

Oh Oh Oh, I almost forgot, IT'S VETERAN'S DAY, so be sure to honor and pay tribute to anyone you may know (or not know) who's served our country, the most PUMPED UP country in the world, the US of A! Wave that freedom flag high today my friends, let that American pride surge through your veins, and KEEP ON PUMPIN' ON!!!

PAVEMENT TO HEADLINE SASQUATCH MUSIC FESTIVAL 2010!!

2009-11-08T21:41:00.006-06:00

HOLY CRAP I'm so stoked. Just read this, got such a largey right now! As some of you may know, I love this band, and have always said that should the stars align and they get back together someday, I'm there. Well, the time has come my friends. And what better place than in beautiful Quincy, WA at The Gorge!

Sweet vid of The Gorge that pumps me up

I was just there this summer, and can say it was the most beautiful place I've ever seen a show, ever. Who wants to go on a roadtrip??? Memorial Day Weekend, May 29th - 31st, 2010. Tickets HERE. Sasquatch site HERE. The full lineup doesn't come out til Feb. 16th, but just something to think about! I say we pack some cars with some good friends, head West, camp, eat, jam, laugh,, etc etc etc etc etc!!!!

HOTTIE OF THE WEEK

2009-11-06T18:11:00.004-06:00

Flo, the Progressive Girl

Flo is the name of a fictional cashier on TV commercials and web banners for Progressive Insurance. She is played by actress and comedienne Stephanie Courtney and has been cited in news articles as having a sizable fan base on social networks like Facebook.

The character has appeared in several commercials since her 2008 debut. She is recognized by her extremely enthusiastic persona, heavy Rockabilly-style makeup, and retro hairstyle which Courtney has said takes about two hours to complete.

In October 2009, the Boston Herald referred to Flo as "the commercial break’s new sweetheart," and said that Courtney was "attaining TV ad icon status."

Also, she's really hot.

BIG CARROTS

2009-11-02T20:19:00.004-06:00

So I'm bringin' back big carrots. No more of this pussy baby-carrot bullshit. I'm rockin' MAN-CARROTS. You know, whole, un-peeled, maybe even a bit dirty... Bugs Bunny style. Everyone in the office is always runnin' around with those little baby carrots, it's bullshit. So I decided I'm going to walk around, eating BIG CARROTS.

First of all, they're way more fun to eat. The crisp SNAP you get when you bite off a hunk, man, it's so satisfying. And you can hear a grown man eating a BIG CARROT from a mile away. "CRRRUNNCHH!!" Then when you eat most of the BIG CARROT and you get towards the end, it's like a little game...how close can you get to the gross end of the carrot? Can you get one more bite in before you've reached that dirty gross stalk knobby part??

Second, for some reason they remind me of a better time. I don't know, it just feels more organic, natural... like pulling a fresh carrot out from the ground in Grandma's garden when I was a kid. There are things to reminisce whilst eating a BIG CARROT, and ya just don't get that from those smooth, slimy lil' baby carrots. Seriously, try it. Get a big ol' carrot and snap off a bite, see where your mind wanders...

Thirdly, um... I really don't have any more reasons to eat BIG CARROTS. I don't even know why I started this post. Jeezus, big carrots?!?! What the hell am I even talkin' about?

Nevermind, BIG CARROTS RULE. FOREVER. AMEN.
Please do your part today in assisting in the BIG CARROT REVOLUTION. Spread the word, tell your coworkers...we're bringin' BIG CARROTS back for good.

Oh, also, I found this pic...

HOTTIE OF THE WEEK!

2009-10-29T21:11:00.005-05:00

Julie Nelson

Julie Nelson joined KARE-11 in September of 2003, after working at KSTP-TV. Months after arriving at KSTP she was named "Best Newcomer" by Mpls/St. Paul magazine. In 2000 she won a regional Emmy for anchoring. Julie's also twice been named "Best Anchor" by City Pages. Julie received bachelor's degrees in journalism and history from Indiana University in Bloomington, Indiana.

Also, she's extremely hot.

Apology Pump

2009-10-29T21:00:00.003-05:00

Sorry dudes for the lack of the PUMP UP yesterday, I busted up my blog-maker. More pump soon...

Lunch in the Office, Kanye style.

2009-10-23T11:51:00.001-05:00

Hat Stickers.

2009-10-22T19:25:00.003-05:00

I always wondered why homies be leavin' their stickers on their caps. Some people think it's "cool", but I thought it was cause they planned on returning their hats to the "Lids" store in the mall the next day when their team didn't do so hot. I remember a friend and I pulling a similar move once in junior high when we bought expensive dress shirts and wore them to the Homecoming Dance, with the tags cleverly scotch-taped inside. Next day, we went back to the Expensive Shirt Store and got our moneys back. Bonus.

Next time you see that dude who always wears all those sweet hats, ask him if he has the receipt. Cause he does.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP!!!

2009-10-21T08:55:00.007-05:00

WHOAAAA!!

Seriously, today I am PUMPED like WOW. I don't know what it is, but I have a feeling today's pump-levels are going to be SKY HIGH...I've just got a good goddamn feeling! The future's so bright I gotta wear shades. But not today, cause it's raining out and if you wore shades you'd just look like a jackass, and does anyone really remember that song anyway...ah shit, I'm rambling. This PUMP is gettin' the best of me, gettin' too JACKED UP! Gotta focus. Ok. Deep breaths.

It's hard to describe in words just how pumped I really truly am right now, so I guess I'll try to describe my PUMP levels with some poor quality pics...

First off, if it's raining, and maybe you've been battling being sick all week, but not like swine-flu sick, just kinda stuffy, sore-throat sick, AND you wanna get pumped while battling the common cold, well, this will fix ya right up!! COMBO-PUMP!

Next, do something you wouldn't usually do... say, punch your best friends in the face. Do it. IT WILL PUMP YOU UP. POW! PUMP-PUNCH!

I've probably posted this photo on the Pbath before, but I'm just too lazy to go back and see if I really did or not. But anyhoo, it PUMPS ME UP. So it's fourth grade. You're about to make the game-winning shot in a playoff basketball game against the rival school. You'd want your parents there to see you in all your glory, right?? pump. But if Phil Collins and Mask show up?!?! BONUS PUMP!!!

By this time you're probably so JACKED that you'd just like to sit it out and watch some other dudes get JACKED pumpin' iron, right? Then this clip is for you. LOLz at the end, where Arnold gets blazed. BODY-PUMP!

Wow, what a day. I bet you'd probably like to see just how PUMPED you were today, right? RAWT?!?! Go ahead and make a PUMP-GRAPH in your office. Don't worry, the boss won't mind. Chartin' the PUMP-PROGRESS!

HAPPY HUMP DAY PUMP UP, PUMP SAFELY!!